I’m going to hell.

[Meowthh]

So DH and I have been together since we were 18 (34 now) married for 6 years.

he has become overweight, has sleep apnoea so I bought him a mouth guard and I can’t even look at it in the morning without wanting to puke as it is full of blood from his gums (gingivitis)

I feel awful as he also wants to be intimate, kissing etc but I just don’t want it anymore, I’m not attracted to him at all. I feel so so bad about this and don’t know what to do.

At least you’re aware of the situation and are planning to do something about it.
Your partner sounds loving and respectful and aware that you’re probably mortified but unable to do anything due to finances for quite some time.
I hope you manage to get your teeth fixed.

With OP’s husband he’s acting disrespectfully. Plate licking, belly button picking, generally being a disgusting slob while expecting OP to be intimate with him.

There is a difference.

You’ve missed the point.

This thread isn’t just about someone who’s had issues and put on weight, nor is it about depression or being unwell.

It Is about DISRESPECT to a partner.
Does he need to pick his ears in front of OP and show her the wax ?
Does he need to pick his belly button and ask her to sniff his finger ?
And then ask for intimacy and not expect that this would put her off ?
That’s aside from the general undisguised glottony, untreated gingivitis and expecting her to kiss him ?

He’s making no effort in this relationship,eh?

Motherhood has changed my wife’s body – and I’m no longer attracted to her | Life and style | The Guardian

You feel you are going to hell as you are saying the unsayable.
Advice here and under the line from similar issue (husband not finding wife attractive any more. It may or may not help you).
It sounds like you absolutely have the ick.
That's a game changer and more than just working out feelings regarding your long-term partner having a Dad Bod.

I bet the woman in this article isn't poking around in her ears for all to see, prodding her stinking belly button and getting her partner to smell it, or eating half her kids cereal and contaminating their cutlery though. Ffs.

I suspect that if it was just the weight gain, you would probably still be in love with him even if you found him a little less attractive.

You find him repulsive and with good reason- he's has deplorable hygiene, the teeth, the bellybutton, the ear wax. He also lacks manners, greed & licking plates.

Most people would be very turned off by that or of not, they should be.

This isn't your fault & you should put up with it. It's disrespectful to behave like a dirty slob.

He needs to change (unlikely) or you need to split.

Well I’m not surprised you feel this way, he sounds like a repulsive, lazy, overweight slob!

His idea of foreplay is telling you about his KFC, sticking his finger in his belly button and salivating over your childrens food and then expects you to have sex with him! I’ve never heard a bigger ick!

You got together as teenagers and I'm sure you've both changed through the years, unfortunately your DH has stopped making any effort. Too many people think that familiarity means you can make no effort at all for your partner but they'll love you regardless but everyone has a line in the sand, that moment when they look at someone they love and don't know who they are anymore. He's gained enough weight that he has sleep problems, he makes no effort to be attractive to you yet I expect you've tried to take care of yourself. Sadly, you feel bad because you can't feel as you used to but would this relationship have started if he'd neglected himself then.
I know looks aren't everything but self respect is important, when someone just can't be bothered anymore it's a bit of an insult

YANBU
Why should you be intimate with someone who doesn’t have basic hygiene? The gingivitis and lack of personal care would make me worry about general hygiene.

if you were going on a date with this person and they turned up with a bloodied mouth guard you couldn’t see them again. It’s wild that some men need to be told to have basic hygiene and standards! Have the convo, check he’s not got a reason eg depression and be supportive/kind. But don’t force yourself to share mouth bacteria.

You wont be going to hell, actually it will feel more like heaven once you have removed the dirty lazy greedy slob from your life. Good luck!

@Meowthh everyine is different. My sister is with the man she met at 16, they’ve been married for many years, mostly happily. As with any relationship, there have been ups and downs, but they’ve come through.

My story has been completely different, and I’m the chubby one. While he wouldn’t leave me, I do wonder if he thinks “would you not try and lose some weight?” He’s never said it and we’re happy in our relationship.

If you have the ick as they say on MN, explain gently that it would help if he lost weight and sorted out his gingivitis. If he’s willing, can you change family eating habits to help him along? You may find he’s the person you fell in love with. If not, or he refuses to try, then you are not obliged to stay. You’ll make yourself bitter and unhappy and that’s not good for you, the kids or your husband.

@Meowthh if you feel you've done all you can then it sounds like it's time to take more drastic action. Have a conversation where you say you are on the verge of proposing a separation because you don't feel he is respecting himself or you - his health, hygiene, etc etc. He's not respecting you by ignoring your asks. And he's not respecting your children's needs by risking an early heart attack that leaves the children fatherless. See how he responds. Perhaps if he is startled into action he will change his behaviour wholesale. If he doesn't you could do a trial separation first, before a full split. Maybe if he makes effort you will find the other annoying things you mention become less important. Perhaps there's underlying resentment there too.

Why not have a sensitive but honest conversation about his health and the impact that is having on your intimacy.

Why not nudge him to go to the doctors? Maybe he doesn't realise how bad things are or is in denial.

Obviously if you don't love him enough to help him with his health then you should be honest about that too. Neither of you should stay in a relationship that isn't working for you both.

Well, he sounds disgusting. So I don’t blame you. But I think you need to have a frank discussion with him. For his own health if nothing else.

It seems to me that (rightly or wrongly) OP has already given up on her husband and was in hope of validation (which she has received here in spades....).
I hope things work out. It will also be interesting if OP does leave, if the husband finally sorts himself out! Maybe it will be the making of him 🤷‍♀️

Mouthguards are gross. My DH has one.

Make sure you are fair to him and make sure he has full access to the children etc , after all you are the one in the wrong here , so if you are going to leave him don’t make it even worse for him . You clearly don’t love him . So give him a chance of finding true love.

And by the way there are nose boy devises for apnea .

I think any marriage is save-able providing both parties really want to work at it.

If I gained a lot of weight, started neglecting my oral hygiene to the extent my retainer had blood on every morning, asked my husband to smell my belly button finger and excavated wax from my ears in front of him - and then straight refused to change any of those things about me despite him asking me to change.

if I didn’t pull my weight around the house, left dirty crockery lying about and licked my plate in front of the children - and then refused to change those things…

then both parties are not working at it.

his oral hygiene thing sounds flipping horrendous - being a junk food eating slob is really unattractive - and the belly button thing is totally beyond the pale..

I think we cut people far far far too much slack in contemporary culture for living unnecessarily sloppy lives. There is a direct correlation in my experience - of people that are emotionally / professionally successful - and tidy lives. My successful friends and family aren’t all super slender - but they are universally capable of maintaining good personal health routines + running a basically tidy home.

if you don’t want to be mired in a slightly slovenly existence with him then something has to change.

Does he need some proper mental health care? If so then he needs to seek that and make effort to engage with treatment

does he take you seriously when you express concern / that you need change?

would he be open to couples therapy?

if he won’t change + won’t join you in figuring it out together - then you must leave. Because we do only get one go at life. And I think it’s too precious to waste eating KFC everyday and failing to brush your teeth.

How come he is in such a bad shape at 34? Has he got mental health issues, or other health conditions?
You cant be held hostage to this. I would imagine if it was the other way out he would be out of the door as fast as a lightning.

OMG I just read your updates. WHY are you with him??? Just leave. You can co-parent. Your H sounds revolting.

I can't believe people think the OP is being unreasonable. I couldn't live with the disgusting behaviour.

Who is living like this?

Sounds like depression to be honest.

YANBU OP. You are obviously agonising about this and finding it really hard.

I never understand what motivates the posters who come on and say “Ooooh - what if a man said this? What a terrible double standard” Firstly- nonsense; posters would be saying very much the same things if the exact same situation was being played out but with the sexes reversed. But secondly- men generally don’t agonise like this if they go off their female partner! That’s where the inequality lies! I don’t know where these posters are coming from or why they think men need them on their team; they really don’t! The men are fine.

Depression may lead to a lack of self care but I’ve never heard of it leading someone to dig in their belly button and get their wife to smell it 🤢

It’s natural that you’re not attracted to him given what you’ve described but I don’t think the first answer is to leave as some other commenters have suggested!

Over a long term relationship, it’s normal for attraction to wane. Is there a reason he’s gained weight? Metabolism slowing or eating his feelings? Could you address this with him by gently letting him know you are worried about his weight gain and asking if there’s anything you could do to support him?

If you took a vow to marry him, it’s worth trying to figure it out and reigniting the spark before throwing in the towel.

Gingivitis smells a lot doesn’t it ? I’m
not surprised you feel unattracted it’s probably quite a sensory overload. Maybe gently encourage him to sort one thing out at a time. That does sound really difficult though, don’t beat up on yourself I would find that really hard too