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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I’m going to hell.

281 replies

Meowthh · 27/03/2024 11:01

So DH and I have been together since we were 18 (34 now) married for 6 years.

he has become overweight, has sleep apnoea so I bought him a mouth guard and I can’t even look at it in the morning without wanting to puke as it is full of blood from his gums (gingivitis)

I feel awful as he also wants to be intimate, kissing etc but I just don’t want it anymore, I’m not attracted to him at all. I feel so so bad about this and don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

the80sweregreat · 27/03/2024 11:17

Dh and I grew fatter together over the years and that wasn't good, but it also meant I couldn't say too much to him really without me addressing my issues too
We have been on diets together, but it's harder as you age to keep it up and stay fit
Sounds like you have other issues though if you don't fancy him anymore.
I know a few couples like this and one ended up having an exit affair as she couldn't bear her husband and his food addiction anymore.
Maybe you need to tell him how you feel, go food shopping together to buy some healthier foods or join a gym together or keep fit or a hobby of some kind that involves getting a bit fitter? (I know it's harder if you have children and not that cheap)
Send him to the hygienist about his gums?
Things will fester though , it's better to be up front with him I think.

Original poster

Meowthh · 27/03/2024 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Why would it not be real?
and why is saying he had no jawline uncalled for, his face looked completely different without his beard and I honestly couldn’t believe it.

OP posts:

Towerofsong · 27/03/2024 11:19

NaiceUser · 27/03/2024 11:13

@EspressoMacchiato I wouldn’t be attracted to DH if he was overweight and he knows this and takes good care of himself.

Jesus f'ing Christ. Wtf? That's not love.

There is a difference between love and attraction.

For a romantic relationship you need both.

SKG231 · 27/03/2024 11:20

You can raise all your concerns, just gently.

don’t make the weight thing just about him. Mention that as a family you want everyone to be eating better and being more active. Don’t but bad snacks to keep in the house and get everybody out on the weekends. Compliment him when you see change and tell him how great it is to see a change.

With regards to the intimacy, again he honestly but gentle. Next time he tries to be intimate tell him that you know it’s necessary for him to use but the gum shield really grosses you out and could he possibly put it away/brush his teeth.

PrettyPines · 27/03/2024 11:24

Sounds like he needs a dentist? That's surely a hygiene issue and does sound a bit gross.

The weight thing sounds like something you could work on together? Maybe walks at the weekends and healthier dinners? I'm not sure id end my marriage over my husband's weight.

Could it be that you've fallen out of love and you're noticing these things? At the end of my last relationship i remember feeling physically sick at most of the things he did and that's when i knew I didn't love him anymore.

KimberleyClark · 27/03/2024 11:25

NaiceUser · 27/03/2024 11:13

@EspressoMacchiato I wouldn’t be attracted to DH if he was overweight and he knows this and takes good care of himself.

Jesus f'ing Christ. Wtf? That's not love.

If a man said this about his wife there would be uproar.

LoveSkaMusic · 27/03/2024 11:26

I would say that being overweight is obviously an issue, but not necessarily a deal breaker. It can be worked on. But the oral hygiene is just really bad. Is the rest of his hygiene as bad?

A clean fat man is 100 times better than a disgusting slob of a man.

There's a huge difference between a 22st man and a 16st man. How overweight are we talking here?

Get him to a dentist! and then work on him to lose weight. You might find the spark comes back.

If you really can't live with him, or he really wont change, then you know what to do.

BarrelOfOtters · 27/03/2024 11:27

I can't imagine being with the person I was with at 18....

But it's probably worth talking to him first. Try and encourage him to lose weight, eat better food, do this as a family. If you want to stay with him.

If you want to leave then do it kindly.

Original poster

Meowthh · 27/03/2024 11:30

I can't imagine being with the person I was with at 18....@BarrelOfOtters why?

OP posts:

boonr · 27/03/2024 11:30

I would tell him.

He needs the wake up call anyway if he is overweight.

You can be gentle with it but I would be inclined to be a bit firmer so the reality of the situation really sinks in.

I can understand why you wouldn't be attracted to him anymore. Sounds like he's let himself go.

Octavia64 · 27/03/2024 11:34

If you have been with him for a long time it's worth trying to work on this.

Have conversations about being healthier. Suggest the dentist.

There is a distinction to be made between attraction and love as well. How old are your kids? Would you be financially ok if divorced?

silverlentils · 27/03/2024 11:37

KimberleyClark · 27/03/2024 11:25

If a man said this about his wife there would be uproar.

Show quote history

People can't help what they are attracted to or not attracted to.

I'm female and when my ex went up three dress sizes in a year it did make a difference sexually. I loved her completely, but moving layers of fat out of the way in bed was definitely a physical turn off. For someone else this may not be a turn off, but something else might be.

DrJoanAllenby · 27/03/2024 11:37

I wouldn't just leave but you do need to have a conversation about how his poor health is causing a huge problem in the relationship including lack of intimacy and affection.

At only 34 he shouldn't be overweight, he should be in the prime of his life!

He's missing out on so much including a living relationship with you and is a dreadful role model for his children.

If he is t willing to tackle it and get cut and healthy then you just make it clear that the relationship is over.

It's not about appearance it's having respect for his body and health.

Original poster

Meowthh · 27/03/2024 11:38

Octavia64 · 27/03/2024 11:34

If you have been with him for a long time it's worth trying to work on this.

Have conversations about being healthier. Suggest the dentist.

There is a distinction to be made between attraction and love as well. How old are your kids? Would you be financially ok if divorced?

Our kids are 6 and 3. My eldest DD is huge on brushing her teeth now as she doesn’t want to end up with brown teeth in the morning.

he has been to the dentist a few times but it seems to just come back?

OP posts:

Original poster

Meowthh · 27/03/2024 11:40

I think since being promoted at work he just sits at his desk and eats. Constantly telling me about the meals he has had (KFC,McDonald’s etc) what’s wrong with a sandwich?

OP posts:

Towerofsong · 27/03/2024 11:40

He is only 34, sounds like he has become very complacent. You need to be kind but honest and if he doesn't take it as a wake up call, go to dentist and take care of himself, then in my opinion he is saying he doesn't have respect or care for your relationship, and then you have every right to choose to be happy.

Untreated gingivitis will cause bad breath, and could result in tooth loss.

Original poster

Meowthh · 27/03/2024 11:42

I have noticed a huge difference with the sleep apnoea with the mouth guard but now I have this other issue. Just bloody clean it!!!!

OP posts:

YourFogLightsAreOnTheresNoFog · 27/03/2024 11:42

Meowthh · 27/03/2024 11:10

Shouldn’t I just love him regardless?

No.

Original poster

Meowthh · 27/03/2024 11:44

He will eat his dinner in the evening and just leave his plate. There have been times where I have come down in the morning and it is still there. He has no pride in the house and it takes him ages to do anything.

OP posts:

AmandaHoldensLips · 27/03/2024 11:45

Try not to feel bad. Half of marriages don't survive for various reasons and people get divorced all the time. We're not in the dark ages any more.

Not all relationships are destined to last forever.

You don't have to stay married to somebody and you don't have to have a reason to divorce any more. The "no fault" divorce was brought in some time ago which makes dissolving a marriage a bit easier and removes the blame issue.

If you can hardly bear to look at your DH any more and want to move on with your life without waking up to him every morning, then that's entirely your decision.

You won't be the first, and certainly not the last woman to feel that way.

SOxon · 27/03/2024 11:46

6Y5T · 27/03/2024 11:12

It sounds like he would be better off without you tbh

pointless mean spirited unnecessary post for which you should apologise

SOxon · 27/03/2024 11:46

6Y5T · 27/03/2024 11:12

It sounds like he would be better off without you tbh

pointless mean spirited unnecessary post for which you should apologise

Original poster

Meowthh · 27/03/2024 11:47

This sounds really petty as well but if I ask him to get the kids breakfast in the morning he will eat 2 spoonfuls of it on his way back, WHY?!?!

OP posts:

medianewbie · 27/03/2024 11:47

Perhaps he's suffering Depression ?
Perhaps he's just 'a slob' ?
Either way he needs telling.
Kindly but firmly (its affecting you too)
If he is willing to take steps to address it - great. If not, you don't have to stay. You are young & you only have 1 life.

RoadToPlants · 27/03/2024 11:49

The more you post the worse he sounds. Leaving the plate out is so disrespectful.

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