I’m going to hell.

[Meowthh]

So DH and I have been together since we were 18 (34 now) married for 6 years.

he has become overweight, has sleep apnoea so I bought him a mouth guard and I can’t even look at it in the morning without wanting to puke as it is full of blood from his gums (gingivitis)

I feel awful as he also wants to be intimate, kissing etc but I just don’t want it anymore, I’m not attracted to him at all. I feel so so bad about this and don’t know what to do.

You have to tell him how you feel and what's a deal breaker. Give him time to sort it. If not then go.

I didn’t read that far, but the first few posts were saying OP should leave. I was just pointing out how different advice is when it’s a woman who’s gained weight.

Yeeeeah.
I have the ick just reading about him.
Sorry you have to suffer this irl OP.

It's a bit different though comparing a woman with hormonal acne and weight gain to a man with bad oral hygiene who licks plates and puts his finger in his belly button and says 'here smell my finger', isn't it?

You could tolerate him regardless, but why would you? You are too young to settle for this for the next 50 years or so...

Whilst you decide what to do, get your ducks in a row, to see how you'd manage financially if/when you decide you want to separate/divorce. Work out how you'd tell him that the relationship is no longer working for you - but do your research first. 🌹

I'm willing to bet the overweight wouldn't be as much of an issue if it wasn't for the oral hygiene stuff. Does he clean his teeth, OP?

But then I guess the overweight feeds into the sleep apnoea which probably results in dry mouth/bleeding gums? I don't know. Regardless of whether you're attracted to him (and that IS important), it sounds like his health needs urgent attention.

Be gentle but you need to leave. You have grown up and grown apart. You cannot live a lie

I'd straight out say your dental hygiene is disgusting and I'm not coming near you until you see a dentist and get it sorted.
There is no nice way to talk to a man about this. Be blunt.

There is a big difference to letting yourself go a bit and disgusting dental hygiene.

Tbh I bet this is true for many people even if they don’t say it to their partner. We all know what we find physically attractive and what we don’t. Many people don’t find obesity attractive, many others do. Honestly, if my partner gained a huge amount of weight I wouldn’t find him as attractive as I do now (and he’s not a gym bunny now so I’m not only interested in muscles but then again some people are). I do love my partner though and still would. I think it’s bizarre that you think that major physical changes in appearance won’t affect a relationship.

The first few posts are responding to the fact that he is expecting OP to be intimate with him but she doesn’t want to because she finds him unattractive.

don't feel bad you feel how you feel ive fallen out of love before it feels bad but ultimately you need to think about yourself

Is he doing anything to address his health issue?? The weight will not help the sleep apnea. Also what about the bleeding gums. I’m not surprised you feel as you do- can you talk to him gently about his health issues

He does sound really gross. Does he know you’re thinking of leaving him as it’s got too much? Is he willing to try and change? If not then you have your answer.

Marriage is about compromise and looks like he doesn’t want to. Eating junk food will make him constantly tired and it’s made to be addictive not be filling or nutritious.

My DH can be greedy with sweet stuff so we rarely buy it. He knows it affects his health and tiredness levels now he’s older so is better with portion sizes when he does have it. I’d suggest your DH a bring a packed lunch and snack on nuts at work but he has so many other issues. He’s taken you for granted and not even trying which is sad.

Doesn't his breath smell horrendous? I work closely with people (men) and can smell gum disease breath a mile off. It's literally like poo. It can also lead to heart problems. For his own sake, both socially and medically please try and discuss this with him, kindly.

Youve been together since you were kids. It's not a failing to fall out of love with someone. It happens and sometimes there's just nothing you can do. It's horrible. I felt awful when I fell out of love with my first long term relationship. I felt like such a bad person, and then jumped into another unsuitable relationship I think to prove to myself that it wasnt me that was the problem.
I think you need to speak to someone. Maybe speak to Relate to get your head around it all.

All the physical stuff you're feeling is a symptom, not the reason. He might have been a good partner for a while, but just not the lifetime one x

OP I would encourage you to remember your wedding vows- for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health.

Both parties take the vows and they also include things that make it easier to achieve that. To cherish (CofE) or to honour (Catholic). The DH's behaviour isn't treating the OP with either of those kindnesses.

Nope

Sleep apnea is a life threatening condition that can kill if left untreated. Please tell your husband he needs to book his appointment . The weight gain will be caused by the sleep apnea . Lack of quality sleep causes lots of different problems. My son was diagnosed recently after 12 years of feeling ill. He put lots of weight on and has other conditions that are related to sleep deprivation . I hope that you care enough to support your husband

You are not going to hell, people fall out of love all the time! If that weren't the case there wouldn't be so many divorces etc

@Meowthh

The thing is, it takes two to fix a marriage. I'm not saying that one spouse needs to dress, haircut, etc, etc to the other spouse's 'specifications', but this situation appears to do more with basic health and hygiene than wanting DH to dress and look like Chris Hemsworth (or whoever suits your fancy).

Ignoring oral hygiene is not only frankly disgusting and off-putting as far as sex is concerned, it's a health hazard as poor oral care has been linked, not to just bad breath, gingivitis, and tooth loss, but to heart disease and bone infections. During my DH's throat cancer treatment it was stressed to him how important it was that he maintain good oral health and see his dentist frequently, not just during treatment, but for the rest of his life.

My DH and I have loved each other through 'fat and thin' (more than once in our 35+ years together), but one can be overweight and still maintain good body hygiene, table manners, and dress neatly in well fitting clothes. If your DH is snaffling his food, stealing off his children's plates, and doing whatever the hell that belly button thing is, that's just disgusting. Habits like that would have put me off DH for sure. At this point DH and I are 'older' so it's even more important for us to maintain a healthy body weight so we're much more careful to keep slim, for ourselves as well as 'for' each other.

Sleep apnoea is nothing to fool around with. It can be fatal on its own and/or result in many cardiac problems DH uses a CPAP and although the fact that it has stopped his snoring is a big plus, the fact is that his sleep quality is greatly improved and some heart issues have cleared up. As far as I go, I use a mouth guard due to jaw clenching at night and I definitely clean it every morning and keep it in its case.

If you have a partner who refuses to maintain a good level of hygiene, is greedy and exhibits gross or disgusting behaviours, I'm sorry, but that exceeds the bounds of 'for better or worse' and shows that that person has little respect for the wellbeing of the partner they're doing those behaviours in front of. I think you need to have a brutally honest "shape up or I'm shipping out" discussion and then carry through.

To all those saying if this was a man complaining their wife had put on weight and now wants to leave her that would be terrible, no! This is not about putting on weight. It's about this slob of a 'partner' being disrespectful, utterly immature, and downright disgusting. You do not have to love that. I'll at least give him credit for going to the dentist. Mine doesn't even bother doing that. And he thinks a 20 second brush once a week (yes, a week) is sufficient. I too am trapped in the net of not wanting to hurt his feelings @Meowthh as well as thinking I have made a promise I must not break, but deep down I know, as do you, we cannot live the rest of our lives this way and we don't have to.

OP it is important that he doesn't eat the kids' food using their cutlery as certain plaque causing bacteria I think it is, is contagious. So with his poor dental hygiene he really should never share cutlery or cups with DC or kiss them on the mouth.

People on mumsnet are bizarre about sex.

Sex and 'attractiveness' are a minuscule part of an adult relationship, thats the shallowness of youth and those that don't get over it often whine about why they keep ending up alone.

LOVE is about so much more than that, if OP loves her husband and he is a good man why on earth would she break up with him because one thing makes her squeamish. I mean Jesus Christ no man would stick with a woman after witnessing childbirth if seeing something 'gross' was a reason to end it (and lets face it theres far more trauma to that then blood on a retainer). Many would leave there partners after smelling the bathroom too lol.

Sex/kissing especially on a schedule are not automatic requirements to relationships. Just because one partner has a sexual desire does not make it the other partners job. I bet many of the people saying 'leave' have very definite lines in the sand on what they don't and won't do physically too (regardless of if hubby really wanted too).