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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m going to hell.

281 replies

Meowthh · 27/03/2024 11:01

So DH and I have been together since we were 18 (34 now) married for 6 years.

he has become overweight, has sleep apnoea so I bought him a mouth guard and I can’t even look at it in the morning without wanting to puke as it is full of blood from his gums (gingivitis)

I feel awful as he also wants to be intimate, kissing etc but I just don’t want it anymore, I’m not attracted to him at all. I feel so so bad about this and don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
PlaceYourBetsPlease · 27/03/2024 16:01

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 27/03/2024 11:16

Imagine if a man came on here and said his wife gained weight so now he is repulsed by her. I'm sure the responses would be very different

People hate hearing it because it often hits a nerve, but it's true.

I would not fancy my DH if he put on 4 stone and refused to maintain his oral hygiene. Sorry but that's the truth. And if a man posted that he'd stopped fancying his wife because she put on 4 stone, snores and has halitosis, I'd think it was fair enough TBH.

YourFogLightsAreOnTheresNoFog · 27/03/2024 16:01

@housethatbuiltme they are in their 30's not their 80's.

BarrelOfOtters · 27/03/2024 16:01

housethatbuiltme · 27/03/2024 15:59

People on mumsnet are bizarre about sex.

Sex and 'attractiveness' are a minuscule part of an adult relationship, thats the shallowness of youth and those that don't get over it often whine about why they keep ending up alone.

LOVE is about so much more than that, if OP loves her husband and he is a good man why on earth would she break up with him because one thing makes her squeamish. I mean Jesus Christ no man would stick with a woman after witnessing childbirth if seeing something 'gross' was a reason to end it (and lets face it theres far more trauma to that then blood on a retainer). Many would leave there partners after smelling the bathroom too lol.

Sex/kissing especially on a schedule are not automatic requirements to relationships. Just because one partner has a sexual desire does not make it the other partners job. I bet many of the people saying 'leave' have very definite lines in the sand on what they don't and won't do physically too (regardless of if hubby really wanted too).

Well yes, but he wants sex with her and she finds him repulsive. I'm not sure that's any solution to that one.

Polishedshoesalways · 27/03/2024 16:02

I am gagging at the belly button thing and seriously hoping this thread is a joke because if it’s not we need to parachute in someone to help op. It’s disgusting and I don’t blame you at all for getting the ick

Do you love anything about him?

Quatty · 27/03/2024 16:03

I think you should leave him, he’ll be better off with someone who loves and respects him.

Gullsoaring · 27/03/2024 16:03

YANBU OP.

You are no longer attracted to him and it’s easy to see why. You both should be at the height of your physical fitness. It’s only going to get worse from here if he is already in this state.

I actually find it quite gross that he does nothing to make himself attractive to you, in fact actively seems to sabotage this, yet still expects you to have sex with him.

You sound like you have lost respect for him too. And I don’t blame you for that either.

Rosesanddaisies1 · 27/03/2024 16:04

I'd find it hard to be attracted to someone who doesn't take care of their physical health. He really needs to see a dentist, and consider losing some weight. You need to suggest that, coming from a kind place, that you want him to be healthy.

justasking111 · 27/03/2024 16:04

idrinkandiknowthings · 27/03/2024 13:35

It gets worse! The weight gain, the gingivitis, the unhygienic mouth, the belly button probing, the leaving plates around and now licking them?? I'd struggle to regain any lust or love with all this going on. And yes, I'm a seriously overweight slice and would absolutely expect my (non-existent) other-half to feel exactly the same.

Edited
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Gum disease at 34 which he's not worried about. He's going to lose all his teeth. So you'll be married to a gummy chin less snoring blob that hoovers up leftovers.

Yeah that's real sexy (not)

NotQuiteNorma · 27/03/2024 16:06

I suppose OP will be an oil painting of course. Do marriage vows not mean a thing anymore, you know in sickness and in health, for better or worse? No, just dump them once they've provided sperm and are no longer desirable. Nice. If your grandparents had that attitude towards marriage you'd all have different fathers.

NotQuiteNorma · 27/03/2024 16:09

Meowthh · 27/03/2024 11:40

I think since being promoted at work he just sits at his desk and eats. Constantly telling me about the meals he has had (KFC,McDonald’s etc) what’s wrong with a sandwich?

What's wrong with making him a few healthy snacks and encouraging him if you love him? Oh yeah. I forgot...

Polishedshoesalways · 27/03/2024 16:12

NotQuiteNorma · 27/03/2024 16:09

What's wrong with making him a few healthy snacks and encouraging him if you love him? Oh yeah. I forgot...

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Making him a few healthy snacks??? He is 34 years of age he doesn’t need op to make him snacks 🙄

WinkyTinky · 27/03/2024 16:12

@NotQuiteNorma is he sticking to his side of the marriage vows? He's not sick, he is choosing to be disgusting and disrespectful. Getting married is not a free pass to do what the f you like and completely neglect your wife like this. OP is entitled to feel how she does.

Kelly51 · 27/03/2024 16:13

@NotQuiteNorma
What's wrong with making him a few healthy snacks and encouraging him if you love him? Oh yeah. I forgot...
Why should she? she's not his mother.

EspressoMacchiato · 27/03/2024 16:14

It’s shocking the amount of posters who don’t understand that physical attraction is important for some people. It’s not shallow, it’s PART of what makes a good relationship.

It also doesn’t equal love. You can love someone and yet not be physically attracted to them. Love may fade with lack of attraction or not.

But if you’re no longer attracted to your partner for ANY reason, you don’t have to stay with them. You also don’t have to justify it to anyone.

PoochiesPinkEars · 27/03/2024 16:14

I think you need to tell him how you feel.
How you feel is reasonable under the circumstances! 🤢
If he tries to do something about it, you could give him time and the chance to make changes.
If he doesn't, you don't have to stay.
You're not asking for the moon on a stick, basic hygiene is a minimum baseline for expecting another human to engage in a cohabiting relationship with you, especially if you expect physical contact!

The way he's going is only going to end one way for him, which is an early poor quality of life. Fair enough if it's a disability and he can't help it, a whole other ball game if it's a lifestyle choice.

Whatwouldnanado · 27/03/2024 16:14

He needs to get his weight in check, Apnoea can impact his heart too, I think. It probably hasn’t occurred to him to clean the mouth guard, so tell him it stinks and send him an online link to buy the dissolving tablet stuff to sort it! Make packed lunch for yourself and when he next mentions KFC etc tell him you’re saving money etc. set a goal for something you both want. Go for walks and ask him to join you.
If he doesn’t respect himself and your concerns then perhaps you should move on.

SantaBarbaraMonica · 27/03/2024 16:15

NaiceUser · 27/03/2024 11:13

@EspressoMacchiato I wouldn’t be attracted to DH if he was overweight and he knows this and takes good care of himself.

Jesus f'ing Christ. Wtf? That's not love. Biscuit

Love and attraction are sometimes two separate things.

Fannyfiggs · 27/03/2024 16:15

Can you sleep in separate rooms for now?

I think you need to tell him that you've grown apart and you want to experience life without him.

It's kinder than saying you're an ugly fat slob with horrendous manners and I no longer love you. Please leave your keys on the way out.

PoochiesPinkEars · 27/03/2024 16:16

Marriage vows go both ways.
If he doesn't respect his marriage enough to refrain from offering his belly button odour to be experienced up close then... 😳

YourFogLightsAreOnTheresNoFog · 27/03/2024 16:20

NotQuiteNorma · 27/03/2024 16:06

I suppose OP will be an oil painting of course. Do marriage vows not mean a thing anymore, you know in sickness and in health, for better or worse? No, just dump them once they've provided sperm and are no longer desirable. Nice. If your grandparents had that attitude towards marriage you'd all have different fathers.

Well, luckily we have moved on from women having to put up with awful men.

Floppyelf · 27/03/2024 16:23

dump him and run! Life’s too short to deal with BS

Floppyelf · 27/03/2024 16:24

YourFogLightsAreOnTheresNoFog · 27/03/2024 16:20

Well, luckily we have moved on from women having to put up with awful men.

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hear hear! Its also a two way street. Both men and women don’t need to stay in shitty marriages.

Spoonthief · 27/03/2024 16:25

Meowthh · 27/03/2024 11:08

He shaved off his beard once and honestly it is something I cannot un see. He had no jawline and looked like a completely different person.

Show quote history

I think you need to be honest with him.
Tell him he needs to lose weight, get fit and get himself sorted.

Tell him he’s allowed himself to become repulsive to you ( snoring/ poor oral hygiene/ overweight)

Sounds like he’s let himself go.

I’d give him that chance and if he doesn’t make any effort, then you need to let him go too.

Life's too short to be miserable

There’s no nice way to deal with this unfortunately.

bonzaitree · 27/03/2024 16:29

You need to be honest with him that you’re thinking of leaving because of his behaviour. It’s not nice to have to have that conversation.

I would expect him to not change. In which case you’re going to have to leave. Are you able to do that financially?

YourFogLightsAreOnTheresNoFog · 27/03/2024 16:29

@NotQuiteNorma has something hit a nerve? This the 2nd post I've seen where you are going on about for better or worse.

I wouldn't be with DH anymore if he started acting like a disgusting pig.