I’m going to hell.

[Meowthh]

So DH and I have been together since we were 18 (34 now) married for 6 years.

he has become overweight, has sleep apnoea so I bought him a mouth guard and I can’t even look at it in the morning without wanting to puke as it is full of blood from his gums (gingivitis)

I feel awful as he also wants to be intimate, kissing etc but I just don’t want it anymore, I’m not attracted to him at all. I feel so so bad about this and don’t know what to do.

I am not super slim myself. I think it is more his attitude towards it and the bad habits. He licks the plate after his tea and I can see him hoping the kids don’t finish their food. It’s just greed.

What a tough situation op. Do you love him? Is he a good guy? Is he clean and hygienic?

I think if you still love him then it might be worth an honest conversation.

It sounds as though he could do with a lifestyle change, and a trip to the hygienist. If he lost weight the sleep apnea would improve.

No because he has the options to change. If being overweight is causing sleep apnea that’s a really good reason to dust and exercise. He’s so young and could avoid diabetes, heart problems etc in the future.
Gingivitis can be cured by seeing the dentist and using appropriate products.

It’s really sad that he’s letting his health go downhill like this when he’s only 34.

Oh dear. That sounds awful. It actually sounds as though he might have a binge eating disorder or food addiction (I know, some people think there is no such thing).

In a way it would be better if it was just greed because you can discipline yourself to eat less. A binge eating disorder can be quite tricky to recover from.

He does overeat because he is constantly tired. I made him an appointment to the GP which he went to, he has received a letter for the sleep clinic but I can’t book that for him too, he has to take some responsibility. I bought him the mouth guard and a nice new expensive pillow.

Yup. He needs to take responsibility for his health (including dental hygiene) .

Not read the full thread so don't know if anyone else has said this but if he has sleep apnoea then he needs a machine and not a mouth guard. A mouth guard is not doing the job properly. Please get him to see a doctor

Not going to solve your issues but the machine may well save his life

Why are you even seeing his mouth guard?

There are loads of gross things about the human body but we usually give people privacy to deal with it.

Isn't there a huge spectrum/many steps between noticing someone is less physically attractive in a certain point of there lives, and leaving? Can no discussion be had? Steps be taken?

The gingivitis can be treated by his dentist. Nag him. Point out the connection with heart disease.

You should not feel bad because of the way you feel about your husband appearance. Taking care of himself is one of the ways a husband should take care of his family.

Trust me, I have had conversations, tried to change things and feel I have done all I can.

But if you don’t, you don’t. You can’t make yourself.

would losing weight and going to the dentist for treatment make a difference? If you think it would, get him to do both those things.

If you think it’s irretrievable, the kindest thing is to end it.

Just one thing, if my DH had a mouth guard that was regularly filled with blood I would never see it. He would be worried that I would find it unattractive and hide it until he could solve the problem himself. The cause of your ick is his lack of consideration and care for you, not his weight gain or gum disease per se.

Get rid of him. You didn’t marry a lazy fat slob and he’s making no effort to change that.

Steroids taken during cancer treatment can make you put on a shit tonne of weight and there's really nothing you can do about it.

Honestly I get the sentiment but this is ridiculously shallow and I would suggest that if you no longer love someone because their body has changed then you probably never loved them very much to begin with.

Op this is unacceptable.

Tooth decay and gingivitis is caused by bacteria that is introduced to the mouth. He's eating your kids food and his god awful mouth gems an are then in the kids food and on the son and they then eat that. This would 100% be a total and utter deal breaker for me.

I love my gushes but active teeth decay and visible dental issues absurdly turn my stomach. I can't help my reaction to this and I couldn't, could not, kiss him or be intimate with him.

It gets worse! The weight gain, the gingivitis, the unhygienic mouth, the belly button probing, the leaving plates around and now licking them?? I'd struggle to regain any lust or love with all this going on. And yes, I'm a seriously overweight slice and would absolutely expect my (non-existent) other-half to feel exactly the same.

The mouth guard sounds disgusting. I have one because of my snoring, but it was fitted after a referral from my GP and my teeth and gums had to be in A1 condition before it could be fitted. It's several years ago now but I was checked out at the local dental hospital as well as my own dentist before I could have the guard fitted.
Your husband needs to see a dentist. If his gum disease is that bad at 34 he's in danger of having no teeth!
That said, he does sound vile in other ways. The belly button thing is grim.

I really feel for you OP. I had a similar experience with ex partner (thankfully I didn’t marry him but he is the father of my child). Put loads of weight on, lazy attitude, getting up in the middle of the night for a “snack” because he was hungry - wtf! Wore the same Jeans for weeks (without underwear) and didn’t wash them! Totally gross 🤢. Let his tooth that needed a filling replaced just rot away, instead of going to see the dentist. There was no changing him - no matter what I said I was accused of “being controlling” and trying to change him. We are thankfully no longer together.

This was 10 years ago. I thought he might sort himself out once we were split up but he hasn’t changed - he’s bigger than ever and lives alone like an utter slob. I hate my child having to go there to visit him as his house is like one of those hoarders houses with rubbish and dirt piled up. It’s bizarre - he was fit, attractive and slim when I first met him. He is a different person now.

Have the conversations with him and be honest with him. Will he change? Do you think you could get the spark back if he made the effort? If not or you just don’t think you can get past it then there is no shame in moving on.

When a woman posts something like “I’ve gained weight over the last few years and have recently developed hormonal acne which is unsightly. My DH won’t touch me and says he’s going to leave me because he finds me disgusting” the responses are generally “I bet he’s an ugly pig himself” and “Shallow piece of shit, you’re better off without him” with an added “He’s probably addicted to porn and thinks women are meant to look like plastic sex dolls.”

Woman posts something similar about her husband and immediately gets a flurry of responses that amount to “Yeah, just divorce the fat cunt.”

I cannot begin to imagine talking about my partner like this. Twenty-one years into our relationship, of course he doesn’t look like he did when we first met. But neither do I.

If you truly dislike your husband as much as it sounds like you do, then by all means divorce him, but don’t make out that it’s his fault.

I agree. My DH and I are best friends, we are a team, we have fun together, we have a family and it means everything.
If he put on weight I wouldn't stop wanting to be with him. It might make me less sexually attracted to him, but I wouldn't stop loving him.
This isn't love and probably never was.

But I dont think you should stay out of any obligation, you deserve to be happy too.

1 go to drs about sleep apnea, there are things that can help, even an op that can be done.

2 Do a healthy eating and fitness plan you can both do together.

3 Be kind, he may be feeling crap about himself, you're a team so help him.

you should be straight with him.
if normal talk does not change things, you need to clearly tell him that he starts to disgust you.
if that does not help- do not feel bad for feeling that way

I think you need to have an honest discussion with him. But I think it's extremely drastic if you consider leaving him for this - presumably you made vows to each other when you got married?

Mature love isn't really about physical attraction (although it doesn't hurt). It's ultimately about making a choice to grow with a person and commit to learn and change with each other as the years go by.

I suspect the repulsion you feel is not at your DH's physical appearance or habits per se - it is about what these things say about his personality and his inability to commit to being better. We all want to be hopeful about life, and a partner who seems on an unalterable path downwards is very depressing.

YANBU.

I don't think in a relationship if one partner decides to opt out of looking after themselves the other one has to just lump it?

Different for sickness - other issues where there was no helping it and the other person is doing their best.

Though I don't mean you should just leave a note on the table saying - don't fancy you any more - bye!

This.

I love my husband but I'm straight with him, I'd really mind it jf he became like this. Honesty is the best policy