I’m going to hell.

[Meowthh]

So DH and I have been together since we were 18 (34 now) married for 6 years.

he has become overweight, has sleep apnoea so I bought him a mouth guard and I can’t even look at it in the morning without wanting to puke as it is full of blood from his gums (gingivitis)

I feel awful as he also wants to be intimate, kissing etc but I just don’t want it anymore, I’m not attracted to him at all. I feel so so bad about this and don’t know what to do.

If he cares so little for himself, how can he care about anyone else?
He might want sex but does he still love and respect you?
And why would you stay married to a man who doesn't love or respect you?

He needs to clean it, but obviously needs to improve his regular dental hygiene- electric toothbrush and some of those interdental brushes and use them.

I think we change quite a bit from how we are at 18 to how we are at 34. I couldn’t imagine being with someone from when I was that young but people do make it work

I know you're venting here and there seem to many issues which I appreciate but have you spoken to him about any of these?

If he's depressed or stuck in a rut it may be that these are now unconscious behaviours and he has no idea they're a problem. It seems obvious to all of us that of course it is a problem but to him, it's just every day life.

If you want this to work and you want to give him a chance, you really need to hurt his feelings and detail all of this to give him the opportunity to change and see if it can make everything better.

I don’t know why I am so bothered about hurting his feelings to be honest. He constantly tells me things that annoy him that I do.

So you expect OP to kiss his bloody gingivitis mouth and have sex with him even though she doesn't want to?

Jesus Christ the hypocrisy on this site is unreal. Can you imagine a man came on here saying he wasn't attracted to his wife since she gained weight. You would be running for you pitch forks and He would be burnt at the stake.

Females are socialised to be nice and kind. You need to take a leaf from his book and tell him you don't want to kiss because his mouth is unhealthy and his weight puts you off sleeping with him.

Please don't force yourself to be intimate with him.

No, we wouldn't. No one should have sex with someone they don't fancy, male or female.

Gross, tell him that the kids deserve hygiene and no one should slobber over their food.

Agh he's a waste of space. Divorce him and be free.

JFC I can't imagine living with someone like this sorry.

I know men tend to forget that they can't eat the same as they did when they were in their 20s but all the other points just make me want to boak.

It isn’t just that though. It’s more the habits that go with it. Eating the kids breakfast is just greed, and why can’t he clean his mouth guard. I was nice enough to pay £100 for it for him!

There's no good way to tell your husband his gingivitis needs sorting and he needs to stop being so lazy and start being more helpful around the house. It's going to hurt him. It's going to shame him. But if something good comes out of it, I don't see another option.

I've been through something similar on the receiving end and while it was an awful conversation, it really kicked my butt into gear at being better to me and my partner as I wanted it to work. You're not asking for anything unreasonable.

I love my husband because he has respect for himself and pride in his appearance and in being fit and healthy. Yes he could be struck down with an illness and not look or be the same but of course I would still love him.

If he was just a piggish slob who couldn't care less about being fat and over eating with little or no exercise that is a lifestyle choice that would absolutely repulse me as it does the op.

@toomanyy "So you expect OP to kiss his bloody gingivitis mouth and have sex with him even though she doesn't want to? "

I know. That's what I was thinking. Grim. And I wouldn't expect my DH to kiss me if I had these problems either.

Have you spoken to him about cleaning his mouth guard OP?
You can get some really nasty infections from not cleaning any kind of dental gear

Although to be clear... you shouldn't have to point it out to him, and it would give me the ick having to point out something so gross needs to be cleaned!

Tell him.
Put it in terms of concern of his health.

Gum disease for example has a link to heart disease. https://www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/heart-matters-magazine/research/gum-disease-heart-health

Point out he has never had a problem telling you things he is bothered about and he should expect that you will do the same.

It does not sound as though you love him any more. That the issue goes beyond a loss of physical attraction. If that is the case, then although a pp was a bit harsh in the way it was expressed, then it is true that he is as better off out of the relationship as you are.

I have a very clear view of what you should do.

Since you are asking:

If my preliminary view is wrong, and you do still love him, then I think you should speak to him gently but very directly about the reasons for the loss of intimacy. Find a time when the children are not present. Address it from the perspective of being concerned for his welfare, but also make it plain that his weight and oral hygiene needs to improve if the physical side of your relationship is to survive. Ask him to tell you what you can do to support him.

If I am right though and all love has left this relationship, then I think you should end the marriage as swiftly as possible. In those circumstances I do not think you should tell him the precise reasons for you wanting the marriage to end. That would be devastating for him. Just frame it that you met so young, you have grown apart, that the relationship now feels merely platonic and you both deserve more than that. You are bound to feel bad, but it’s not fair on either of you to prolong the agony.

I don’t think that’s true if we’re taking serious weight gain with no ambition to change that.
Sure, a little weight added after pregnancy or a slight increase due to general aging or medication is normal and can be expected.
Gaining a massive amount of weight due to eating McDonald’s and KFC for lunch regularly and having no motivation to change this really is a normal reason to no longer find your partner physically attractive and want to be intimate with them, regardless of their sex.

OP- you should gently address these issues with your DH and give him the opportunity to work on them. Maybe introduce healthy eating as a family, family exercise time so you can help motivate him. Discuss how being overweight, doing no exercise, and eating too much junk food is a not being good role model to your children. If he has no drive to change things though, you really don’t need to live your life like this.

I wouldn’t be attracted to DH if he was overweight and he knows this and takes good care of himself.
Jesus f'ing Christ. Wtf? That's not love

What happens when you tell him that his mouth guard is disgusting or when you tell him that you are worried about his health?

It sounds like you really dislike him tbh. I think you are at the point where anything he does would repulse you.

Would you be happy kissing and having sex with a guy with gingivitis who eats KFC every day and leave his dirty plates and bloody mouth guard lying around?

The difference is no man would be asking for approval, they’d just get on and tell her.
For crying out loud @Meowthh, you’re waking up to a man wanting sex who has a mouth guard full of blood to deal with first!? Surely this is a joke?