I’m going to hell.

[Meowthh]

So DH and I have been together since we were 18 (34 now) married for 6 years.

he has become overweight, has sleep apnoea so I bought him a mouth guard and I can’t even look at it in the morning without wanting to puke as it is full of blood from his gums (gingivitis)

I feel awful as he also wants to be intimate, kissing etc but I just don’t want it anymore, I’m not attracted to him at all. I feel so so bad about this and don’t know what to do.

A lot of this is giving me 'the ick' but after 16 years together, marriage and 2 kids. You owe it to yourselves to try and get some help on this.

See if you can both visit the GP together. But make it clear (in a nice way) that a lot of this things adding up together will 'be the straw that breaks your back'

Well, so you have said that he has been to the dentist multiple times and it improves temporarily but then goes back to how it was.

Again, to separate the attraction issue and the marriage issue - he's doing stuff that gives you the ick.

Some of it is stuff he might need to do and have privacy for - you mention cleaning ear wax.

Some of it - licking the kids plates - less so.

If you think he has sleep apnoea then it's worth working with him to try to sort this rather than giving up. The treatment will be more than a mouth guard.

I would be really blunt with him and say he’s not taking care of himself and that’s not ok. It’s not healthy and it’s not attractive. I would be telling him he needs to put some major effort into his personal hygiene, effort round the house and eating habits. At the moment he is taking it for granted that you will stick around no matter how he acts - you need to make it clear that isn’t the case, some level of effort is needed. Ask how he would feel about you if you did the things he’s doing.

It's not too late to find the love of your life OP.

So finally, after 5 pages of comments, you've admitted that you've already spoken to him about his awful habits and hygiene, why on earth couldn't you have said this in the first place OP, rather than dragging it all out. It now seems clear to me that this relationship has run it's course. Not unusual for people who get together when they're young, as you're not truly the person you're going to be, until you reach your 30's, by which time you've had some life experience, and have usually pretty much worked out where you're going in life and who you actually are. It happened to me too. I met my ex when I was 15, we got married just before my 18th birthday, had our first baby when I was 20, and then over the next few years lived a pretty good life, no shortage of money, no arguments or fights, but we just gradually changed as people, and at age 32, I woke up and realised that he was no longer the person I wanted to spend my life with. We talked about it, and realised that we no longer wanted the same things from life, so separated and went our different ways. I've since remarried, and have been happily together with my new life partner for more than 30 years.

So, it's time for you to accept that it's over OP. If you've already told him about your concerns with the way he looks and his appalling habits, and he hasn't seen fit to do anything about it, then I think I'd be inclined to write him a letter telling him that having spoken to him on numerous occasions about his lack of personal hygiene, etc., which he's failed to act upon, it's gone on for so long that it's gradually given you the total ick, and you have now reached the stage where you no longer fancy, or love him, so the relationship is over. Leave him to read it, at which point if he cares at all, he'll probably tell you he'll change, etc., but all you have to say is, 'sorry, it's too late, you should have listened to what I was telling you in the first place, so now it's over, end of!' No need for you to feel guilty, it's obviously his own fault for not listening when you've tried to tell him the way you felt, and maybe, if you tell him that that's the reason you're leaving, he might just wake up and do something about himself, and who knows, he might even find someone else who will love him, but your time together is well and truly over in my opinion.

You must be kidding.

If you really want this marriage I would control what he eats and forcibly brush his teeth.

Honestly OP he sounds gross. He isn’t even trying to be his best self. My DH is overweight and bald now that we’re older, but at least he’s hygienic and respectful and has table manners, he’s not greedy or gross.

It’s disgusting that your DH is having a spoonful of DC’s breakfast then giving it to them to eat - you should be defending your kids against this dirty behaviour, they’re not old enough to defend themselves. You don’t eat part of someone’s meal before serving it to them! I bet he’s putting the actual spoon they’re going to eat from in his mouth as well? And you’re letting him do this to them? Would you want to eat off a spoon that had been in someone else’s mouth?

Exactly am shocked at this

MN rules.

Man gets fat and appears unattractive - woman should leave because she deserves better, and it’s his own fault he’s let himself go.

Woman gets fat and appears unattractive - man should stay and support her to lose weight, or should just love/fancy her anyway because he married her and it’s probably his fault she got fat anyway and he’s also a bastard !!

No way back from this level of ick me thinks.

You really shouldn't stay with him, only because you have had children etc doesn't mean you should settle.

I have been with my husband 17 years and I still fancy him, both looks and personality.

I honestly couldn't imagine staying with someone I didn't find attractive. You aren't the bad person here, life is short and you only get one, if you aren't happy then you need to do something about it.

Wow. And if a man came on saying he couldn't fancy his wife if she put on weight and stopped wearing makeup he would be c r u c i f i e d

This. I'd encourage him to see a dentist and get a hygienist appointment (with regular follow ups) at the earliest. Poor dental hygiene is more than just a 'yuck', it's a serious public health issue that can have severe consequences for health.

YANBU to feel turned off sexually by the situation but I think if I were in your shoes, I would try would try to support my husband towards better health before making a long term decision. Especially if there are children involved, are there?

EDIT - Sorry, just seen that you do have kids. Is it possible that it is a depression/self care issue?

That is grim. Again I have no idea why some couples lose all dignity because they have been together a long time I.e. farting, going to the bathroom openly, picking their noses, eating their toenails or anything else gross.... im not saying you specifically OP as I'm sure you don't do the same back but you can see why the romance has gone.

Not including illness/disability obviously.

@NaiceUser
So you get to define love to you?

Dh & I are very much in love but a huge part of our connection is physical attraction and because of this we both take really good of ourselves.
This works for us and is literally hurting nobody. In actual fact me eating well and exercising to stay slim and feel good is a real positive for me generally.

You are allowed to not feel attracted to him anymore. The question is, if he lost the weight and kept himself fit and got treatment for the dental problems would you be attracted again? It might not be that easy to regain those feelings.

Have you stayed the same as when you first got together? Would you consider that you have stayed as attractive as when you met? I think I would take the chickens way out and have a conversation that you’ve both let yourselves go a bit and you would like for you both to go on a health drive. It softens the blow a bit to include yourself.

I think attraction does matter - DH has put on quite a lot of weight since we met (as have I) but it doesn't repulse me but that doesn't mean I'm a better person that OP or something. Just so happens it hasn't changed my feelings, but I understand it can for some people and it sounds like there are other issues of 'ick' going on with his behaviours as well, and as others have said, it's hard to come back from that.

I do think that a feeling of 'ick' usually bespeaks of some personal/behaviour issues going on with your partner, even if you're not quite conscious of what they are. You can see weight gain or whatever, but that may not be the key thing that's actually bothering you.

The thing is, love is not something you can conjure up out of thin air. It is total respect for someone, combined with delight in their company and complete trust (because they don't hurt you). None of this is within your control.

When we focus on something like this (to use MN terminology, that "gives us the ick"), it might seem like a trivial detail... but it's not, because it represents loads of other things that are wrong. Some of them you recognise already (e.g. his laziness and greed), and others are unclear to you at the moment.

I think the reason we latch onto "little things" we can't let go of is that they give us a sort of mental image that reminds us this just won't do. It summarises so much more than the thing itself.

I could point at loads of things about my DH that might give me the ick if I didn't think he's the most awesome person I've ever met.

Don't compromise yourself any longer OP, life is too short

I felt ill reading your post and the follow ups. How absolutely revolting. I would not put up with it at all. He is a disgusting greedy lazy slob. why would you stay with him. Life is too bloody short. I would have been making plans to leave by now. I love my DH to bits, but if he was any of those things when we met I wouldn't have even gone out with him. You're not going to hell, you deserve better. Why should you have to put up with all that? Do yourself a favour and get away from him and start enjoying life. A partner should be lovely to be with, not as horrible as he sounds.Yuck, yuck, yuck

hyperbole does not help

Would he be bothered if you left him? The way you describe his behaviour it seriously comes across as if he wouldn’t be bothered, because some of his behaviour is revolting. Not the overweight but the poor oral hygiene, poor physical hygiene, leaving his plate around for you to pick up after him and eating the kids’ food.

If that is the situation I think you probably are best off putting your pragmatic hat on and planning an exit strategy.

If you want to stay with him conditional on him changing that’s pretty tricky.

What makes you think you are going to hell? No person deserves this level or disrespect in a marriage. It is also a poor example to your children of how to conduct oneself in a relationship.

You don't sound very complimentary at all about him

I’m your husband in this situation. When I met, and even after our first baby, I was 8 stone and 5ft 7. After the birth of our second, my already diagnosed anxiety and depression was compounded by PND and I gained A LOT of weight. My heaviest at 21st 9lbs. It has killed my marriage. I haven’t had sex in 7 years plus and we don’t talk or touch. I’m 48 now 20 years married and am fucking miserable. I’ve lost 5 stone and plan on losing another 5 hopefully. And leaving him. My mental health and body was too much for any love he had for me and I wish he had just left me. He is now seen as someone who stood by me, whilst mentally and physically giving me nothing. Please don’t end up like me. Speak to him honestly and end it if you need to.

Did you miss the other bits?

His mouth
Pinching food and licking plates
The belly button thing
Also other things

He needs to sort his manners and mouth out.