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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no more bringing the dog to our house

193 replies

Toopytoop · 26/03/2024 22:20

My step kids mum has recently gotten a dog. She works nights and the children have started "wanting to bring their dog" when they come to ours. I suspect what is actually going on is she is starting to feel guilty leaving a dog by itself all night and so is encouraging the kids to desperately "want" to bring their dog with them here.

Aibu to say no more bringing the dog with them?

They stay 3 nights a week and DH goes to work early so I'm the one who ends up in the house all day with it or until their mum sometimes decides to pick it up on her way home in the mornings.

OP posts:
Simonjt · 26/03/2024 23:40

Copperoliverbear · 26/03/2024 22:49

Yes you are being unreasonable, why an earth would you want to leave a poor animal alone all night, when you could have it at yours and look after it and make it feel safe.

Looks like we have a willing volunteer to look after the dog.

Mothership4two · 26/03/2024 23:41

That's very nice of you @Copperoliverbear but OP actively doesn't want it in her house. And it's not her problem.

toomanyy · 26/03/2024 23:41

muckymayhem · 26/03/2024 23:37

@toomanyy I agree with you, I just mean that in allowing it at all she'll potentially have more of a fight on her hands when she now says "I'm not enjoying having the dog and it can't stay here". Because now the rest of them expect it. Now they won't understand why she's "changed her mind". Now they will try to tell her it's not that bad, that she's exaggerating, that she's spoiling things, probably that she's actually lucky to have DDog! She's been bamboozled into it - but it will be easy for others to make out she's just being mean and changing her mind. That said she's going to have to stick to her guns and not be manipulated into this "arrangement" against her wishes.

I agree with you, I just hope OP doesn’t think she needs to keep allowing this.

SapphOhNo · 26/03/2024 23:43

YADNBU. Put a stop to it immediately.

m00ngirl · 26/03/2024 23:48

Well whilst you're within your rights to refuse, I would be mindful of the impact refusing, may have on the kids... in the interests of your family's harmony, the mum's wellbeing (she may not be making good choices but maybe she's a single mum trying to do right by her kids whilst working nights..?!), let alone the dog's welfare, and since it sounds like you're at home during the day anyway, I think I'd welcome the dog with open arms and help show the kids how to walk/feed/look after it properly.

Ihatethenewlook · 26/03/2024 23:50

Copperoliverbear · 26/03/2024 22:49

Yes you are being unreasonable, why an earth would you want to leave a poor animal alone all night, when you could have it at yours and look after it and make it feel safe.

OOOHH! Please be a dear and pm me your address! I’d dearly love a dog but I work 16 hour days and I can’t be arsed to actually have to look after it and train it. I’ll send it to you because why on earth would you leave it alone for 16 hours instead of making it feel safe??!!

Ihatethenewlook · 26/03/2024 23:53

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 26/03/2024 22:59

Your house, your rules but the children may have genuinely bonded with the dog; is it that bad having it?

Write a thread, or even look one up about the impacts of dog ownership for people considering one, and then ask if it’s that bad getting shouldered with the responsibility of someone else’s animal that you do not want in your own home that is being forced on you against your will? Actually gobsmacked at some of these replies

Mothership4two · 26/03/2024 23:55

Mothership4two · 26/03/2024 22:38

I presume you'd be the one walking/toileting it too? There is no way I would do this and I love animals. You are basically being treated as the unpaid dog sitter. The ex really should have thought this through before she got the dog. Be careful that it doesn't subtly become your dog (yours and OHs) with all that entails. If she feels guilty about leaving it on it's own then she needs to sort something out (that doesn't mean sloping it off onto you). I am a first time dog owner and was surprised with how much extra cleaning is necessary from one dog and how wet and muddy the UK most of the year but you still have to take the dog out on walks

Be careful that it doesn't subtly become your dog

Seems to be happening already on this thread. It's not OP's dog, it's not OP's responsibility, OP didn't ask for it and doesn't want a dog (or presumably they'd have one of their own and she wouldn't be resenting this one). OP doesn't want this dog in her home. OP doesn't want to have to look after it.

GrumpyPanda · 26/03/2024 23:56

Copperoliverbear · 26/03/2024 23:28

@Toopytoop I just feel if you can do a kind thing for someone or something you should.
The kids love their dog and he is now part of their family as are you.
I just feel if you do kind things eventually you get rewarded and if i could help someone I would.
I certainly would not want to leave a dog home alone all night, incase of fire, but that's just me.

I'm certain there's a "youknewhehadkidswhenyougotwithhim" oncoming in there... but new for the step-parenting bingo to include a bloody dog who didn't exist at the time.

Treesinmygarden · 27/03/2024 00:00

Put your foot down!! The dog is the mum's responsibility! I bet she didn't consult you before she got said dog! The dog is hers!!

Nanny0gg · 27/03/2024 00:02

Copperoliverbear · 26/03/2024 22:49

Yes you are being unreasonable, why an earth would you want to leave a poor animal alone all night, when you could have it at yours and look after it and make it feel safe.

Because it's not her dog?

I would think a bit differently if it had been the family dog before. But she's just decided to get one with no dog care in place. So it's her problem not the OP's

Nanny0gg · 27/03/2024 00:03

m00ngirl · 26/03/2024 23:48

Well whilst you're within your rights to refuse, I would be mindful of the impact refusing, may have on the kids... in the interests of your family's harmony, the mum's wellbeing (she may not be making good choices but maybe she's a single mum trying to do right by her kids whilst working nights..?!), let alone the dog's welfare, and since it sounds like you're at home during the day anyway, I think I'd welcome the dog with open arms and help show the kids how to walk/feed/look after it properly.

That animal is absolutely nothing to do with the children's father, let alone the OP!

Of course she shouldn't have to look after it.

Original poster
Toopytoop · 27/03/2024 00:03

the mum's wellbeing (she may not be making good choices but maybe she's a single mum trying to do right by her kids whilst working nights..?!)

No idea why her wellbeing is my problem. If her wellbeing is so damaged by having a dog maybe she shouldn't have chosen to get a dog?

OP posts:
Original poster
Toopytoop · 27/03/2024 00:04

What happens if the poor single mum decides to get budgie next? Do I have to look after that for her wellbeing too?

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 27/03/2024 00:06

It is still a full moon isn't it?

CarrotCake01 · 27/03/2024 00:11

I can't imagine the cheek of sending my children off to their dad's house for the weekend or whatever ... with my dog to look after!
What does your partner say about the dog?

toomanyy · 27/03/2024 00:16

m00ngirl · 26/03/2024 23:48

Well whilst you're within your rights to refuse, I would be mindful of the impact refusing, may have on the kids... in the interests of your family's harmony, the mum's wellbeing (she may not be making good choices but maybe she's a single mum trying to do right by her kids whilst working nights..?!), let alone the dog's welfare, and since it sounds like you're at home during the day anyway, I think I'd welcome the dog with open arms and help show the kids how to walk/feed/look after it properly.

They’re not OP kids, it’s not her job to play Mother Earth and teach kids how to walk/feed/look after a dog that isn’t even hers!

SD1978 · 27/03/2024 00:21

The be kind to the stupid choices their mother has made, and make it work because it's your responsibility to ideology is insane. If IP got a dog, she could abandon it with the kids mother 4 days a week, because it's the kind thing to do, and the kids wanted it- yeah? Their mother made a stupid unthought out decision. It is not the OP's responsibility to now make that stupid decision work......

BreadInCaptivity · 27/03/2024 00:36

Of course you are not being unreasonable.

As you put it OP if you'd wanted a dog, you would have your own.

The issue of the dog being alone overnight is the owners responsibility to address and something they should have considered prior to getting a dog.

Frankly I'd not have even allowed this once. It's a slippery slope. Keep having the dog overnight and I'll bet good money the next step will be you providing doggy care for holidays/sickness/nights out and then mum can no longer look after the dog at all (because it's clearly an ill thought out premise to start with) and you'll be expected to home it full time as the kids have bonded with it and the dog knows/is comfortable in your home.

You'll say no and be the evil step mother for breaking the children's hearts when dog has to be rehoused.

Draw a firm line now. Owning a dog is a big responsibility and not one you should be pressured into even on a part time basis.

Tessisme · 27/03/2024 01:00

YANBU. It'd be all the nopes from me. Bloody cheek!

Harrysarseinthedogbowl · 27/03/2024 01:37

Are you ok with having your house smell of dog? If not, don't have a dog in the house.

Harrysarseinthedogbowl · 27/03/2024 01:45

m00ngirl · 26/03/2024 23:48

Well whilst you're within your rights to refuse, I would be mindful of the impact refusing, may have on the kids... in the interests of your family's harmony, the mum's wellbeing (she may not be making good choices but maybe she's a single mum trying to do right by her kids whilst working nights..?!), let alone the dog's welfare, and since it sounds like you're at home during the day anyway, I think I'd welcome the dog with open arms and help show the kids how to walk/feed/look after it properly.

Ah, the classic assumption 'you're at home all day, so your time and energy can be treated as a free resource for any CF who wants to take advantage'. Funny how that only seems to apply to women.

TIASLC · 27/03/2024 01:54

I feel sorry for the dog and my kids wouldn’t actually want to leave our dogs for 3 nights a week. Oldest misses our dogs terribly when he’s at uni.

In this case though, the step mother has been irresponsible, but that’s not your problem. Does step mum sleep in the day presumably? When does the dog get company on those days? Again, not your problem. I’d do it for the dogs sake but you’re under no obligation here. SM should never have got a dog without a plan for how she’s look after the poor thing properly.

TIASLC · 27/03/2024 01:58

Toopytoop · 27/03/2024 00:04

What happens if the poor single mum decides to get budgie next? Do I have to look after that for her wellbeing too?

Yes. You’re at home anyway. Can you have my 4 dogs for a couple of days next week as well? Oh and my cat? Thanks. 🤣🤣🤣

Riverlee · 27/03/2024 02:24

I’m a dog owner and I agree with you. Dogs are big responsibilities.

How old is the dog? A puppy? If so, that’s harder work. It’ll need letting out etc during the night, going for walks, and generally someone watching it most of the day. They can be relentless.

If the mum wants a dog, she needs to take full responsibility for it.

You’re there to look after your step kids, and not a step-dog.

Hold firm. The dog is NOT your responsibility.