To think that this is why fathers remarry

[TheShellBeach]

I think it's possible that some fathers, having left their wives, decide pretty quickly to remarry (or start living with a woman) so that there's a replacement women there to look after the children when they have contact/access.

Obviously this isn't true in all cases but it wouldn't surprise me if quite a lot of them did it for this reason.

After all, there are countless threads on here about so-called blended families, where the woman concerned just ends up as the default carer for another woman's children, and the actual father abdicates his responsibilities, leaving her to it.

AIBU?

@bombastix How did his lawyers "bully" her?

Oh he doesn't bother with lawyers! He just bullies her out of her money directly.

@bombastix That sounds awful. Can't she refuse?

Apparently not. A cautionary tale. It's not just a woman's ability to give child care, her money may also be a bonus. I know a few women who have become involved with men like this, who cannot or have struggled to have children and who are quite well off. That can be exploited.

@bombastix But in reality I don't see how she is bound to pay him anything?

It is absolutely true of some men.

I have been very clear with my partner from the start of our relationship that I won’t be parenting for him, he needs to parent his own children.

It has nothing to do with whether I love/like them or not and everything to do with him fulfilling his own parental role.

This thread is just mind blowing in so many ways ...

But you have the very same expectations of your husband, as a step father.

If my husband wasn't willing to do his fair share of childcare/help support me as a stepdad to my sons, I would never have married him.

There is no “fair share” as a step parent. They don’t have a share. They aren’t parents. They can offer and do it but there’s no obligation - your attitude is exactly what’s being discussed and yet you don’t recognise it.

If you had said your husband is amazing because he does those things with absolutely no expectation that would be different - but you’ve made it clear it’s a pre-requisite of your relationship.

@EyeOfTheCat I personally would not have married a man who did not want to be involved with helping with the children.
My husband is a stepdad, and that includes taking on responsibility. If he didn't want to take on that extra responsibility, he could have found a partner with no children or a mother who was happy for him not to have anything to do with "her" kids.

I don’t agree and the OP of the thread doesn’t either. What we can deduce is that some women remarry for the same reason too - you being one of them!

@EyeOfTheCat Could you explain to me why HMRC stopped my "top up" tax credits when my partner moved in with us? What's their position here?

What’s that got to do with it 😂😂😂

But surely there is a difference between “helping” with the children, which most reasonable people wouldn’t mind and the expectation set out earlier that the person staying at home should take on the majority of care?

There is a difference between I need to take my car to the garage can you run the kids to school this morning; and school runs are now your responsibility because me and their mum both work and have planned our own lives around the expectation that you will take on day to day responsibility.

@EyeOfTheCat A huge amount.

@Haydenn Totally agree with you. But some posters seem to think a step parent should not be expected to take on any of the responsibility at all.

Sometimes. Not in my case, it was nearly 2 into our relationship before I was properly introduced to his kids and we had been together for 4 before living together. We only had the kids when he was around. I’ve done the occasional school run and sometimes if he’s doing a specific activity with one the other stays with me but I do very little parenting of them. I only do household things that I would be doing anyway like washing and cooking dinner.

Already another woman ready to replace worn out one perhaps? the novelty will wear off eventually.
The new maid of all work will realise her mistake soon enough poor thing! Or not and any way WHO CARES :-)

Yes !

Probably because those posters know that whatever a SP (especially a SM), does it's going to be wrong

Don't do any "parenting" - "you obviously hate your SC"
Do any "parenting" - "you're not the parent, it's not your place to do that"

So any SP should do as much or as little as they wish, because they're going to be judged for it either way.

Yup totally my stance.

However much or little I do is entirely my prerogative. If my DH doesn’t like it that’s his choice too.

If I do chose to - it does not become a responsibility but an act of kindness/favour.

Sure some maybe do, but certainly not all.

I have, in 11 years, only had SS twice without DH when he did have to attend work for a couple of hours both times, but that’s it. It has to be serious for him to miss time with his son!

Equally me and SS have quite enjoyed those times 🤷🏻‍♀️. We do all sorts together even when DH is with us, cooking, crafting… He sort of hovers when he wants to join in with me, even if his dad is outside waiting for him to kick a ball about, bless him. So it’s certainly not DH abdicating responsibilities rather us just enjoying one another’s company.

But DH also shares household duties with me as we both have extremely busy jobs and mucks in with things I need in my job as and when so I have one of those unicorn men 😂

This thread is so interesting.

It's always so telling what people say about people they view are "beneath" them. Bit like people's attitudes towards waiters or retail staff.

I always find it incredibly odd that people focus so much on the other women. My ex cheated on me with (my daughters) now sm, and the only person I blame is the person who made the marriage vows to me and broke them.

I actually quite like her, I certainly like her more than him. She is imo to good for him. Any failures he makes as a father are put squarely on his shoulders too. But then I don't hold any emotions (either negative or positive) towards him really either. I can't imagine a bigger waste of energy ..but I do know some people think differently.

Nah this is just a cop out answer.

People like to act like it's an impossible situation, but it's perfectly possible to strike the right balance between not acting like you're their actual mother and being completely standoffish with the kids.

Many SP manage to strike a good balance and that is appreciated!

My ex husband is extremely competent in all areas of his life (in the practical sense anyway). But he cannot be alone. I think many men are too weak and emotionally unintelligent to be on their tod for very long.

I can only speak to my own experiences, but when my ex left he went to live with his parents for about six months. So they were doing all the housework.

He then moved into a new place and started having the kids half the week. He did this for about two months before moving his new girlfriend in. Do I think he was keen to have some help? Absolutely. He used to do sod all round the house and I expect it came as a huge shock for those two months when he was having to do his own washing up, cooking and cleaning. (Even then his mum was still doing his laundry).