To think that this is why fathers remarry

[TheShellBeach]

I think it's possible that some fathers, having left their wives, decide pretty quickly to remarry (or start living with a woman) so that there's a replacement women there to look after the children when they have contact/access.

Obviously this isn't true in all cases but it wouldn't surprise me if quite a lot of them did it for this reason.

After all, there are countless threads on here about so-called blended families, where the woman concerned just ends up as the default carer for another woman's children, and the actual father abdicates his responsibilities, leaving her to it.

AIBU?

My exH used to tell his friends he was babysitting our children if he couldn’t hang out with them. He refused to co-parent when we broke up. He refused to agree to an access plan … just ad-hoc if he felt like it. He met someone new and applied for sole custody on the grounds I was stopping him from seeing the DCs - I suppose it looked bad to her. He lost his mad arsed case and hasn’t seen them since. 6 years almost now …He hung his hat on ‘alienation’ but it didn’t really work either as the DC were happy to have telephone contact. The latest line is he suffered from Stockholm syndrome due to being married to me and he simply wasn’t well enough to be around them…🙄

Your example is a particular case where, actually, one person is agreeing to be the sole earner in return for household labour. However, given that the woman’s children may well be at different schools (and they might not even be very close), then obviously the children’s parents will need to figure out school pick ups between themselves.

Or maybe the SM isn’t working because she is sacrificing her career and earning potential because the childcare sums don’t add up while her children are in preschool and he’s not willing to change his work. That makes a difference really - and no she shouldn’t be guilted in to being the default childcare for the SC too.

I simply don’t agree that there’s any possibility of ‘checking out’ of someone else’s responsibility. Any help a partner gives you is them doing you a favour rather than a responsibility.

I don’t believe that the ‘our family’ statement for blended families really ever holds true. In most cases, it’s a strategic and applies only when the parent wants it to. When it comes down to it, the partner does not generally get an equal say - even if the parent wants them to do all or more of the work. Even the way you phrase it ‘support me in’ makes it clear that, ultimately, it is your rules because they are your children.

If they’re remarrying for all the wrong reasons, don’t kid yourselves that anyone married you for the right reasons, just because you got there first.

Also, women marry for babies and money.

Did you see that pig fly by ?

So she is forced to do thus? Has no say in the matter?

It is a choice

Where do your statistics of ‘a lot’ come from? Tbh I don’t doubt that there are probably many who do this but the problem is that it’s not all fathers who behave this way and in the modern world where many fathers are extremely involved (certainly compared to previous generations) it’s equally as likely that fathers have 50:50 custody because they love their children.

FWIW my DP has 50:50 of his children and does everything for them and more, as well as treating my son as his own and our joint child the same. We both split household chores/responsibilities 50:50 but when it comes to my step-children he absolutely does not expect me to do any of the parenting. Him being this kind of father was a pre-requisite to us having a relationship at all tbh and since he spent years as a single dad doing everything I know he can and will do it all without my help.

P.s. perhaps ironically it is his ex who has her parents doing school runs and functioning as free childcare all the time. She also got a new DP immediately after they split to help with the bills/house etc. So I don’t think it’s fair to say this is all men and not women.

I was thinking about that too except I believe the OP was the man’s sister and both she and her brother fully expected the girlfriend to give up the dog to spend on the children.

I hope that girlfriend and her dog are doing well… far, far away from that man.

Absolutely this

Nurse or purse?!

Except that’s just not true. I know many men whose relationships ended without them having lined up someone else or cheated, it’s just not factually correct to say that all men stay unless they have cheated.

I’m hoping it’s something like this

Of course, but many women prefer the script that the evil scheming other woman "turned his head" and stole the man.

Yes I have seen the same countless times. Generally speaking I don't think men love women in the way women love men, this is culturally conditioned too by male entitlement. There are exceptions of course, but often men just want a vaguely attractive woman to have regular sex with and to do the work he doesn't want to do/pay for, and it also lends him some respectability to have a wife at home. All of this props his ego, which becomes destabilised by divorce so he quickly seeks out a replacement to calm his nervous system!

I think you're looking at the wrong end of a stick.

If a man or woman is married with children - why do they want to rock that boat?

Pretty sure all of us who married for life and a couple or more decades in, just absolutely adored and fitted with our spouse.

Childcare was never on the agenda, because that was me, and my responsibility when I married my husband, with child in tow.

Childcare and child-raising is always down to the biological mother and biological father.

If you can't babysit someone else's kids, you may not be the right future partner. But they're not your responsibility.

Or is this just a case of him getting caught in an affair, and now he's replacing his wife with you, and can you please act like his wife, and take on responsibilities, so he can find a new mistress?

Yes, they absolutely do.

im coming out of a 25 year marriage. STBX had an affair 10 years ago. Confessed and begged me not to leave. Claimed massive guilt, would never do it again…was back with her within 6 months and this has continued on and off since until I found out recently.

he asked her to marry him countless times during the affair, whilst never even trying to leave me.

fast forward to a few months ago when I ended the marriage. He’s been vicious to me since.

this week get a message to say he’s in a serious relationship (not with affair partner) and wants to introduce the children.

also wants 50/50 shared care now too, when he’s already dibbing out of some weekends and not being able to rearrange work diary to facilitate school holidays

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

That's because it's generally true.

What a complete bastard. I'm so sorry.

I think there is some truth in men wanting someone to run the domestic side of their lives. They are quite willing to let another woman look after their children and dictate what happens.
It’s also easier for a woman who needs someone to say service her car for her to just pay for it. Or if you need a new tyre fitting just pay for someone to do it. More like hard work to pay someone to mind your children every day. Or cook for you every day. Or do your laundry several times a week.
Yes I know this stereotyping but in the majority of cases it’s true.
Wonwn tend to do the relentless tasks such as taking children to and from school every day and being with them. Men tend to do the one off types of jobs.

Celebrations for finally being free!

And yes absolutely give ex-husband 50% responsibility and accountability.

If you stayed married to him for 25 years, he has to be at least good for childcare. Or he needs to become good for childcare.

No one can ever replace mum. So spend the extra time - now that he has to take the kids out of your home - on your own well-being.

@OldPerson You say "childcare was my responsibility." Do.you mean it was equally yours your husband's responsibility?

I think a lot of this male entitlement could be sorted out by women refusing to act as doormats! Ladies - don't put up with it!

Unfortunately one child refuses point blank to see him due to poor decisions his father made whilst caring for him which adversely impacted upon him. Hes autistic too so there’s no way back for his father as he feels unsafe with him.

Younger child wants to see him, but definitely doesn’t want to live with him for any amount of time. I suspect when new partner is introduced that will adversely affect their relationship too. Young child has trauma, attachment and massive self esteem issues. Having a one to one relationship with his father is something new and novel. When he’s competing with new partner for his attention it won’t be quite the same. Theres absolutely no need at this point when it’s all so fresh to introduce this partner to their relationship, and if I was the new partner I’d be saying it’s not time yet.

Father is a narcissist though, so will absolutely be love bombing new partner and getting control. And he will definitely be planning to “dump” our child on the new partner in any 50/50 arrangement

i don’t need my kids out for my well being…it’s such a massive relief to be in a relaxed and free house now and all our relationships with each other have improved ten fold.

If you want a real doormat it's the woman who funds lawyers for your ex to bully you with.

Now he bullies her. Foolish

It's one of those things that's trotted out as "generally true" with no evidence to actually back that up. As I and many other posters have said, we've all known men to end relationships with no one new "lined up".

In my experience some people are very quick to hop from relationship to relationship and spend as little time as possible being single (to their detriment in my opinion) but this is not correlated to gender.