To think that this is why fathers remarry

[TheShellBeach]

I think it's possible that some fathers, having left their wives, decide pretty quickly to remarry (or start living with a woman) so that there's a replacement women there to look after the children when they have contact/access.

Obviously this isn't true in all cases but it wouldn't surprise me if quite a lot of them did it for this reason.

After all, there are countless threads on here about so-called blended families, where the woman concerned just ends up as the default carer for another woman's children, and the actual father abdicates his responsibilities, leaving her to it.

AIBU?

Is that how it is now?

Sexism is interchangeable with 'misogyny'?

Good old MN hyperbole.

A lot of divorced fathers, who do not meet someone new, rely on their mother (granny) for childcare.

Yes. Or they have "access" but leave the child with their mother or sister.

This is especially true of babies.

@EyeOfTheCat Eh? Where did I say anything about man or woman?
When I remarried I chose a man without children because as a working parent with two children of my own already I neither had the capacity nor the desire to take on the responsibility for any more.
I stand by what I say; if you are a non-working PARTNER with a blended family you should expect to take on the majority of school runs if your PARTNER is at work.

Well we don’t agree. There could be any number of reasons your partner isn’t working and you’ve assumed that means the working partner is supporting them. Which isn’t a given either. The dynamic will vary between families but there is no automatic entitlement to labour in my book.

@EyeOfTheCat If my husband wasn't willing to do his fair share of childcare/help support me as a stepdad to my sons, I would never have married him. We both work through both necessity and choice.
But if I was a SAHP I wouldn't expect him to support in the same way as he does in our situation. Likewise, if he was the SAHP.
Naff all to with sex of parent.

I don’t “work” I made my money and retired by 40. I keep busy though and have my own commitments and life. I am not going to take on caring responsibilities,
school runs and whatnot for any potential partners kids! The children have two parents to look after them, I want a romantic partner not a ready made family 😂

This was exactly the scenario I was thinking of - partnering with a parent, would apparently make you a “stay at home parent” despite not being a parent yourself… BS.

@Herdingcatz Choose a partner without kids then?! Because you can't get romantically involved with someone who has children and expect to have nothing to do with them, surely?

@EyeOfTheCat Sorry - I thought you said you have bio kids of your own as well as stepchildren.

Generalisations rarely survive closer examination. Stating that "men do this" and "men do that" is just asking for counter-examples to be produced really.

Marriages break down for a wide variety of reasons. Divorcees move on to their next relationships for a variety of reasons. Some men are good fathers and some are bad fathers. Personal experience only takes you so far. We can never truly know what is going on inside other relationships. The plural of anecdote is not data.

Yes, that was a real gem. I’d love an update

There is times I feel mine married me to get his grown kids in line. There house was a disaster. Good thing we love each other. Got one kid in line, oldest is working on moving out cause we no longer speak

Firstly most people without kids do look to avoid those with children. But it isn’t always that simple- quite a lot of men are quite shady as to whether they have kids or not. You can actually get quite far down the line before they drop that particular bombshell. I have dated 2 men who outright lied when I asked if they had children.

Also there is a bit of a difference between wanting nothing to do with them as you say here, and the earlier post which was “I stand by what I say; if you are a non-working PARTNER with a blended family you should expect to take on the majority of school runs if your PARTNER is at work.” These two things are poles apart.

Happened to me with an ex who lied about having a child

Years ago, it was really common for a man to remarry often only weeks after the poor wife had died in childbirth, and sometimes to a younger sister of the deceased…I suppose it made a certain sort of sense then when there was probably 3,4,5 or more young children to be looked after and no welfare state to fall back on.
Quite shocking really that 100s of years later some men still operate like this!

@Herdingcatz Also happened to me when I was dating; he told me no kids at first and down the line it turned out he had five from two different women!!
I got rid immediately! Why stay with a liar who hides his children?

What, never?

if you are a non-working PARTNER with a blended family you should expect to take on the majority of school runs if your PARTNER is at work.

I don’t agree with this definition of ‘partner’ at all.

A romantic relationship, for me, is not and should not be about delegating my responsibilities to someone else. I wouldn’t expect a partner to do my timesheets for me at work or any of the other things I’d rather be doing other things instead of. So why should I expect them to take on my school runs?

A partner is not some kind of hired help. Even if you put it in capital letters.

Anecdotally I believe this entirely. This sort of man needs a replacement unit and latterly is floored when his children cease to bother with him. A judgment on his judgment as it were

I agree. I would get rid (and have done) too. It does only encourage these men to keep hiding their kids though. I think a lot of women would stay with them though at that point fancying themselves “in love” or “I’ll give him a chance”

@Astariel I would absolutely expect a partner I was in a long-term relationship with and living with to support me in raising our family. And I do. They don't just get to "check out" of all responsibility because the kids are not biologically theirs.
A casual partner then of course not. Entirely different scenario.
Take a co-habiting couple in which one parent is a SAHP and the other is a ft working parent. Supposing care of children is 50/50. Would you honestly expect the ft working parent to do all of the school runs for their bio children when in their care and the SAHP do none/only collect their own bio kids? Genuinely interested.

@Herdingcatz More fool them!

Absolutely

💯

Hmmm, let me see ... the man or the dog? Who's more likely to be loyal and love her unconditionally, I wonder?