To think that this is why fathers remarry

[TheShellBeach]

I think it's possible that some fathers, having left their wives, decide pretty quickly to remarry (or start living with a woman) so that there's a replacement women there to look after the children when they have contact/access.

Obviously this isn't true in all cases but it wouldn't surprise me if quite a lot of them did it for this reason.

After all, there are countless threads on here about so-called blended families, where the woman concerned just ends up as the default carer for another woman's children, and the actual father abdicates his responsibilities, leaving her to it.

AIBU?

This is wear is happening with my ex. Started seeing her after 2 weeks. She is still living with her ex. My gut instinct is she will take half of what he's got next, and it will serve him right.

Is everyone commenting on having seen this so many times older than me? I'm 40 and I've seen very few relationships break down so far. I've been surprised given the papers are telling us divorce is so common so I'm wondering if it just happens en masse later in life or if I just live in an area that's less affected than others. I don't remember there being any kids in my class whose parents had separated in primary school and while there were a small number in secondary it was still pretty small. This was 20-35 years ago though!

I think most of these types of men think they can manage just fine. Then, newly single, they realise what a tough gig it is and how much the ex was doing for them, the kids, housework, the bills. So they hop off to find a replacement asap.

I didn’t - I was referring to the burden/load of their care. The extra cooking, cleaning, washing, making sure they have the foods they like in, collecting them from school. I’m afraid that work is a burden. Just like it is with my kids.

The majority of 14year old do not live in a nuclear family. This has been the case for many years now.
So probably one of their parents already had dc or their ‘parents’ are not their bio parents.
You wouldn’t know though would you. How do you know that the 14 year old in your child’s physics class has 2 half siblings?

Don’t worry. You’ve just triggered the sensitivities of a remarried parent.

Everyone else knew exactly what you meant.

I also agree that many relationships start as affairs. Again you wouldn’t know this. I can think of lots of people who started out married with children to someone else. When you see the new couple with all the ( or some) of these children they don’t wear hats telling the world.
I only know there are lots because I’ve met the cheated on partner.

In my DD17s primary school class of 30, there were 2 boys whose parents had split up and one girl. There were no lone parents.

In DS11's primary school class of 30, there were two girls whose parents split up. There was one young lone parent who got married when her child was year 6.

Not sure about high school cos obviously we don't know all the parents there, but among my kids friendship groups, their parent are still together, bar one girl...and she is the same girl from DDs primary class.

@chachacharcoal I'm finding that a lot of my friends relationships break down when people are in their early / mid 50s, or towards the end of their children's high school

I also fell for the cocklodger scenario. I have no kids but my own house, he had one son, funnily enough he wanted to move in almost immediately - and then argued that his son should have the bigger bedroom, despite only being there 1 weekend in 3?!

Then came lockdown, when he casually commented to me that his son would be staying for 6 weeks, as his suited him and the mum, and I’d be expected to home school him (was wfh) despite all his colleagues moving their day in the office to accommodate their child care plans - he wanted to voluntarily attend work whilst I cared for his son at home (whilst also working full time, paying the mortgage etc etc)

The entitlement is breathtaking 😂 needless to say I refused and was then deemed to be selfish and ‘not playing my part’

The marriage ended shortly after, him taking half of my house that he’d never paid the mortgage on, using that to piggy back to buy a house that he’d never be able to buy alone

Never, ever, would I be involved again with a man with children. You never come first, and the main priority is to either cuckoo you or feather their nest for their child in future. He even used to argue that my will should have his son as the sole beneficiary?!

Turns out my mum was right all along when she looked over her glasses and said this will never work 😂

@EyeOfTheCat I hope you put your husband straight? If you're both working surely it should be about equal re sorting the kids.

The majority of 14year old do not live in a nuclear family. This has been the case for many years now

Do you have figures for that?

Yup this has been my experience. Ex got a new gf to take on his responsibilities as my new/now ex partner used me for the same.

Single now. Much happier

I’m sure some do but then presumably some women remarry for equally cliche reasons but I guess you’ve chosen to ignore that.

It's irrelevant? We are not talking about exes of both sexes the conversation is about MEN specifically

I get there can be confusions these days but talking about one specific sex in a general conversation about what someone in their own experience has seen happen more often than not that doesn't mean you need to squeal "but women" at the top of your lungs 🙄

Interesting that the received wisdom/cliches/stereotypes are so entrenched that you've developed a theory about them despite all the evidence you've actually witnessed directly contradicting it.

On MN, people only ever do things for cliched reasons (and usually the most cynical one).

No one ever deviates from the cliches. It's quite depressing really.

If you read my posts rather than just assumed the worst of me you’d have seen I have answered this question.

I also take umbrage to the “if you’re not working” the implication being that if I wasn’t working, my DH, on meeting me could have deferred the care of his child to me on that basis.

My employment status make his child anymore or less my responsibility - this goes to the heart of the Nanny comment!

That's like saying most women remarry because they want extra income.
Ridiculous generalisation.

Going back to the thread this reminds me of my BIL. When he divorced his STBexW moved quite far away to be back with her family. He was a very involved dad (and did apply to the court to stop the move) but the distance she created obviously made it harder.

He said he hoped she’d meet someone as she’ll need help with the kids - I said but if she meets someone that will be a romantic partner - not a substitute parent, so she won’t be better off in that respect. He looked a bit confused, probably more so as he then must have clicked how I felt about his nephew, my DSS.

I think there is some truth in this with many men but not all, just as there is truth in the fact 'some' women involve a new bloke far earlier than they often should because they find it tough financially on their own. Life isn't black and white, it's a very individual thing and often depends on parenting style/personality and financial position- I've not known many divorced men who are still in a great position rush into new live in relationships.

I was wondering about this, too.

I'm now into my 50s and none of my friends have split/divorced and only 2 colleagues out of 30+ . (And yes, I would know, as we're a small, close knit business - even though geographically diverse - with all but 4 people having been with us for at least a decade.)

Out of our 'couple friends' only 1 has split. It was around a year ago and they'd been together 29 years - both now single, no one else involved.

In our family - that's our parents, siblings, aunts/uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews, etc., etc., there's only been one split/divorce and they're still good friends although both with new partners.

@EyeOfTheCat Not saying that at all.
I think in instances where one partner is working (employed) but the other is not, then it is a reasonable expectation that the non-employed partner does do the school runs, most of the domestic work etc.
If you don't want that "extra burden" (and that's absolutely your choice), then don't marry a man with children.

I wasn't talking about the reasons why women remarry.

Just men with children. That's what this thread is about.

You can start a thread of your own to discuss why mothers remarry.

So the unmarried man with children from a previous relationship can absorb the “burden” but the married man can’t and his new wife should instead take that load from him, because they’re in a romantic relationship.

Your posts are loaded with misogyny.

You have totally missed the point of the thread.