To think that this is why fathers remarry

[TheShellBeach]

I think it's possible that some fathers, having left their wives, decide pretty quickly to remarry (or start living with a woman) so that there's a replacement women there to look after the children when they have contact/access.

Obviously this isn't true in all cases but it wouldn't surprise me if quite a lot of them did it for this reason.

After all, there are countless threads on here about so-called blended families, where the woman concerned just ends up as the default carer for another woman's children, and the actual father abdicates his responsibilities, leaving her to it.

AIBU?

@toomanyy Absolutely. And totally unreasonable. Did she not know this before she married him?
I suppose the only guaranteed way to avoid this is to marry a man without kids, especially if you already have your own.

She says My DH didnt start expecting me to be a proxy second mum, but he soon slipped into the expectation that I would be., so sounds like he changed.

But I agree, women are better off marrying men without kids.

@toomanyy I also agree.

Some people can’t stand to not be in a relationship & for lots, any relationship will do & it’s so off putting. I don’t want anyone to be with me for some shitty half-arsed ‘scared to be alone’ reason and there’s no way I could just coast along with someone for all the wrong reasons either.

I do think a lot of men are worse at being independent than women.

My ex's checklist was

Young. The younger the better - after all, they age out once they hit thirty and become old women, apparently. And they're less likely to be wise to red flags.
Perfect physical health.
Only children - no sharing that future inheritance from the grandparents.
Elderly, home owning grandparents, preferably in their eighties.
Either wealthy parents living overseas or preferably, a dead Mum - not only is there no 'I don't like him or the way he speaks to you/come home now/I'll get Dad to come and pick you up whilst he's at work', there's another bit of inheritance, making them more likely to own a house outright.
Good job, credit worthy - all the better for persuading to take on a bigger mortgage and then to support him whilst he decides to go self employed again (because he's been fired for being a prick).
Loneliness and vulnerabilities.
Nice car. To be persuaded that he needs a nice car, too, and thanks to the wicked ex, he can't get credit right now, so if she could just take the finance out in her name, that would be completely logical.

He's been perpetually in the process of persuading the latest one to buy him somewhere to live/something to drive, teeing up the replacement on OLD as she hits 29/starts thinking about wanting children/planning her escape or bumming around various sofas until the next mug comes along that believes his mad, abusive exes stories and helps him tick off his shopping list so he can start it all again for the last twenty years.

Now he's in his fifties and the young, wealthy and easily impressed are getting harder to find, as he might be older than their dads, but he also has absolutely no assets and shitloads of debt.

He's declared undying love and got them to let him move in within a month each time; according to DD, she doesn't even bother learning their names now, she just goes by whether he's got his holdall of moving in clothes back in the boot when he goes on a third date and will only meet them if they're still together the following Christmas.

I am so glad that I failed to meet his requirements after 4 years.

I remember one like that but it was for her partners brother.
I think the BIL went for custody and it was decided that his brothers girlfriend would be the one to do most of the care seeing as it didn't suit anyone else with work etc. 🙄

I think that some women, having left their husband, decide pretty quickly to remarry (or start living with a man) so that there's a replacement man there to pay for everything.

Wow I’d love to read this one if anyone has the link! 😮

That's what I think, men may do it for practical reason (help with the kids) women do it for financial reasons.

The trouble is they usually have someone lined up to marry whilst they're still married though.

A lot of men are like cats, they like a cushy billet, food and not to have to do much 😂

A lot of men are like cats, they like a cushy billet, food and not to have to do much 😂

Exactly. I mean can you imagine if it was actually men that were the majority of full time workers and had to work for a extra five years until recently!

@CatCatCatCatCatCat I agree, although my husband and I don't fit into this category. He didn't have any biological kids when he met me (I had two) and I earn more than him!
I was single for a good number of years before remarrying. I didn't NEED a man; I waited to find one I genuinely wanted.

Correct in at least 90% of cases

I’m sure some men do enter another relationship for those reasons, yes. I’m sure most don’t do it for that reason and that reason alone, but I suppose some will. But, nobody forced the women involved to enter into these relationships, nor to stay in them. The women in question must have their reasons for starting and remaining in that relationship.

I think some also women (with and without children) enter relationships for their own less than “romantic” reasons- e.g. financial stability.

I’m not sure either situation is a new phenomenon.

I’ve known men who have done this and that is why I have a low opinion of most men the older I get. Such walking stereotypes given the opportunities.

At least your username explains your reply! 😆

I know many women who have had affairs then left too, what’s your point?

People of both sexes are shit, despite the attitude on here that’s it’s always the man at fault

The other thing I have witnessed is that they go for a younger woman who in a few years becomes their nurse/live in carer.

I know a guy who left his wife & two kids for a younger model. Then she got pregnant & they have two kids together. The fun is well & truly over! Last time I saw him he’d aged a good decade since the new little ones were born. He no longer had his previous swagger, I can tell you!

@Ramalangadingdong Well I wonder what attracts the younger woman to the older man... suppose they could both be "using" each other?

Smart thinking. 😂

It's not only women that like to be 'looked after'.

Many men are looking for mothers for themselves and/or their kids imo. Not all of course.

My theory is that men are just very bad at being on their own. Women tend to thrive, men not so much…

so when they realise that and someone takes an interest in them then…

Personally though most divorced dads I know have not remarried/ moved a new partner in for many years

Some really crappy experiences here.

Can I add a different tone: ex-H (great person in many ways, we were just shit at being married to each other) has never re-married/ lived with another woman in the 15 years since we split up. He has his own place, good job & has been a great father to our 2 boys. We co-pareny v well.

I was the one to push the split; find another partner after time, who moved in; had another child. My DP has no other children & has been a great step parent to the boys.

It can work.

Interestingly, ex-DH has always been suspicious of women who want the ready made family, almost like he has a proven record. He has resisted & now deems himself too old for more children.

My theory is that men are just very bad at being on their own. Women tend to thrive, men not so much.

I think there may be something in this. Men are much better at working together than women, despite their natural competitiveness. Studies have shown this. In fact, women actually collaborate better with a man than another woman, but apparently not as well as two men.

I feel like men are more confrontational but also quick to establish a hierarchy whereas women tend to infight a lot more. Studies have also shown that women are less likely to want to help a woman more successful than themself which somewhat contradicts the sisterhood notion.