To think that this is why fathers remarry

[TheShellBeach]

I think it's possible that some fathers, having left their wives, decide pretty quickly to remarry (or start living with a woman) so that there's a replacement women there to look after the children when they have contact/access.

Obviously this isn't true in all cases but it wouldn't surprise me if quite a lot of them did it for this reason.

After all, there are countless threads on here about so-called blended families, where the woman concerned just ends up as the default carer for another woman's children, and the actual father abdicates his responsibilities, leaving her to it.

AIBU?

You forgot the regular sex on tap, included with all those other conveniences.

There's always so many women who happily accommodate them though.
People are just so conditioned to live in pairs, the idea of living happily alone just doesn't figure. You see it time and time again.

Oh yes. A classic of the genre.

One of the flip sides of the message to women that ‘marriage is protective’ and that it’s so much better for them to be married, is that too many homeowning women with good jobs, cars, pensions and so on end up married when it absolutely is against their interests to do so.

Then the ‘you chose a man with kids’, ‘you knew what your were getting into’ nonsense starts and all kinds of people start gaslighting her into thinking that she is somehow required to bankroll everyone and provide all the household labour for someone else’s kids.

For all the people determined to rush up the defence of men, it is the case that many divorced men do look to replace their live in nanny/housekeeper with benefits asap. And they’re especially keen to find a nanny/housekeeper who provides housing for them and their children too.

All the posters keen to blame women who end up in these marriages, are somehow shifting the blame for men’s bad behaviour (and society’s general acceptance of this) on to the women they are taking the piss out of. Those women should just have known better, shouldn’t they? 🙄

Then the ‘you chose a man with kids’, ‘you knew what your were getting into’ nonsense starts and all kinds of people start gaslighting her into thinking that she is somehow required to bankroll everyone and provide all the household labour for someone else’s kids.

Yes, this is really irritating. We get so many women on here whose husbands act exactly as they did when they were married to/living with the mum. Especially if she is already sorting out the laundry and calendars and after-school care and school admin for her own kids. What's 2 more, eh?

I’m hyper alert to this kind of behaviour and like to meet a man’s friends, family and wider social circle loooooong before committing to anything. Most men can’t keep their children secret to everyone in their life.

Tits, check.
Sex, check.
Housework, check.
Childcare, check.
Driving licence, check.
Money/property, check.

Do you have a link to that thread*

YANBU. Fuck this.
(My first spelled out swearword).
Finally I got round to it. 😂

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4929335-how-can-my-brother-salvage-this-situation

enjoy.

Nah. My DH left his first wife because she’s batshit crazy. She would probably still take him back now… a decade on. She is batshit crazy.

i do think men have some expectation that women, whatever their relationship to their child, will just slot into a Mothering role.

i have also observed that men seem to go to their mothers if ever they have their children themselves for any period of time greater than an hour.

My DH didnt start expecting me to be a proxy second mum, but he soon slipped into the expectation that I would be. My kindness was confused for duty. Tbh so did his ex. Soon I was getting phone calls “Can you be home for DSS, his Mum wants to go out” like it was somehow my responsibility to look after their kid when they had better things to do.

i also think this is why step parents get such a hard time - the lines are so blurred and the expectations of them change to suit their parents needs on any given occasion.

Bloody hell. That thread is an incredible example of the cuckoo-like behaviour of the cocklodging divorced dad.

Yes, I know many, many men who have done this. Life goes on as normal for them. Meanwhile; new gf becomes step mum.

Two months after the separation 😭😂🤣🤣🤔

My ex moved in with his 2nd wife very quickly. She took over childcare duties just as quickly, too. They both got bored eventually though. Not complaining. Happy to see the backs of both of them.

I agree. I hope you set DH right?

My DP was the same, single for 8 years and had his own house.His kids are now all adults.

My ex, I predicted that he would find a single mum with her own house and would have moved in with her within 3 months.

i was wrong. It took him 6 weeks 🙄

I did yes. I think he thought his child was just a vision of perfection and I was lucky to be included in his inner circle. Tbh step parents don’t feel like that. Like most kids you might be fond of them, but that doesn’t translate into bending over backwards to make their parents life easier and care for them.

We had some difficult conversations. DH said I didn’t do enough. By that he meant, I didn’t pick up his slack. He wanted me to take the burden of his son so he could free himself up for the nice parts - like sit on the sofa with him whilst I cooked tea. DSS’ Mum got pissed off that I wouldn’t drop my weekend plans to accommodate hers. But they both adjusted.

Now I do very little. When you’ve had the piss taken out of you it takes the shine out.

Not just to care for his kids, but to his maid, cook, cleaner, source of comfort and sex, all unpaid.

Glad to hear it, I wish more step-mums would push back on picking up the slack to make their partner’s and the ex’s life easier.

The only 5 men I know who ended their marriages walked out on their families after having an affair.

The thing I find odd, and still do, is that you’re expected to be grateful for this extra burden? I have my own children now and I know they’re not always easy to care for. They’re hard work, because they’re kids and so when family and friends take them out or have them for a bit or the odd favour I’m really grateful. I don’t think to myself that they should feel lucky. It’s so odd!

Well would we say the same about mothers who remarry?
I'm one of them.
Met my now husband when my boys were just 3 and 6 and he had no children.
He is a brilliant stepdad, and continues to be as the boys are now both teenagers (13 and 16).
For us it's all about teamwork.

@EyeOfTheCat Are you referring to stepchildren as an "extra burden"?

I’m a step mum. DH was a single parent for 5 years because he was so terrified of someone hurting him or DSD again. We now have our own DC too. I don’t treat her differently from my own but that doesn’t mean I do all the work. We split that equally. Don’t tar all men with the same brush just because their wives aren’t reporting their behaviour online.