Very taken aback by partner’s comment on “lads holiday”

[Yorkiepud2614]

My partner has just come back from his brother’s stag (5 nights in Budapest for anyone curious) and told me that most of the boys on the trip (10 of them) consider it more normal to go on lads holidays then away with their partners. One guy had been on four trips with “the boys” during his four year relationship and never once been on holiday with said girlfriend. This has led my partner to believe I am “lucky” (his own words) that he would still rather go on holiday with me.
He now believes it is the norm for men to go on holiday with their friends rather than their girlfriends/wives because that is what is normal in his friend group.
Am I crazy for thinking this probably isn’t the norm?

YES YES YES. Wish I’d been this smart in my 20’s. It would have saved some heartache.

As it is, my DH hasn’t been on a lads holiday since I’ve known him and he’d hate to. Plus, he doesn't tell me how lucky I am about it!

Not the norm.

He is fishing for you to be desperate to be a "cool wife" and worry that you will be considered controlling if you dont "support" him prioritising lads trips.

He doesnt sound ready for family life. If you want that, you either need to wait for him to mature or pack him off for a man who is excited by spending time with you and your kids instead of getting lashed with the Boys.

Tell me he hasnt told you how loads of them used prostitutes or strip clubs but not him 🙄 to infer, again, that you are "lucky" to have him or to weigh up your reaction if he gets caught out.

Going away with your friends is normal. Going away with your partner is normal. Going away with your friends instead of your partner every year is not normal (assuming the partner wants to go)

The only "lads" holiday my DH has been on are weekend stag events and usually they are hiking, cycling or kayaking. He did have 1 abroad for a long weekend......him and half the group went to a jazz club instead of the proposed evening entertainment as he had no interest in it or paying over the odds for a pint. It was a large group and he was up front from the start of planning he would do this.

No it's not normal at all. I mean it's fine to go away with friends but not have most of your holidays with "the lads" as opposed to your partner. DH and I both pursue our own interests and might have a couple of weekends away with our respective friends, but we prioritise holidays together.

from my high school there is a small group of fellows (now in the 66+ age) who have organized done two annual golfing trips every year since they graduated. I think that’s cool and healthy. I know of no others.

I think it's an age thing too.

For men in their 20s with no responsibilities and no stable long term relationships, yes.

Anyone in a long term relationship with children, over the age of 35, no!

I am married with teen girls and I go away with the ladies uk and abroad a few times a year, away with dh a few times and then away as a family once.

He goes on lads weekends- cycling / fishing etc

Does not bother me as I need my girl weekends

Also I love him going away with his friends as it's so good for his mental health- cycling up a mountain with his pals, is really good to physically get away from it all

He would not do these breaks if it meant sacrificing time with me though

How does that work in practice?

Would you actually leave a partner for attending his brother's stag do?

That seems bonkers.

I think early in a relationship maybe, but over time I would expect less and less as the relationship matures and once the kids come maybe a very occasional weekend away or stag dos.

Did he think you should thank him for graciously going on holiday with you. Did he actually say "you are lucky I want to go with you". I'd have said "sorry but you are the lucky one that I still want to go with you - you'd want to watch yourself as I might change my mind"

He’s probably planting the seed because they’ve all had a great time and talked about booking another holiday together.

This this this

What a shame you seem to be with a sheep. Can't he think for himself? Or he's trying to gaslight you into being grateful and lucky ffs he'd rather be with you and then he will start wanting to go with his mates as that's what they all do..

How dare they have a great time with their friends!

In 15 years my husbands has been on one stag do. That’s it.

Dh wouldn’t go away with anyone but me (he’s not a “lad” type. I usually have a weekend away with my friends, we did 5 days in Lanzarote for my 40th and a 4 day mini cruise another year

This is in addition to a family holiday.

This has led my partner to believe I am “lucky” (his own words) that he would still rather go on holiday with me.

Worrying red flag.
Men who think like this tend to think their behaviour is always fine and that they're a good one, as long as they know other men who behave worse than them.

@ThisOldThang I didn’t say there was anything wrong with it? Just giving a possible option as to why he said what he said.

Preach!

I low-key distrust anyone who only socialises with their own gender. If DP or I went on holiday with a group of friends it wouldn't be either "the lads" or "the girls" because both of our social circles are mixed (and in any case these days they overlap massively).

As for the OP's problem, the "you're lucky I go on holiday with you" thing is definitely out of line and I'd be rethinking the relationship. Going on holiday with your partner is one of the best things about being in a relationship and most people I know go away with their partners way more than with friends. That's not entirely intentional - planning and logistics are just much easier when you're only taking one other person, who lives with you, into account - but it has become the norm.

@AllHopeandRainbows

I was just being silly.

The thread seems to be degenerating into a procession of people celebrating coercive control / abusive relationships where their partners know never to leave their sight.

Lucky you eh?

For being allowed the company of this wonderful man when he should be going away on his with his buddies.

Tell him to go away with his friends every year and they can also cook his tea, wash his clothes, bear his offspring and service him sexually too.

Get yourself a real man.

PP was right, there's always going to be others who act worse than him and he's always going to be think of himself as good, nah, this man could go so low.