Very taken aback by partner’s comment on “lads holiday”

[Yorkiepud2614]

My partner has just come back from his brother’s stag (5 nights in Budapest for anyone curious) and told me that most of the boys on the trip (10 of them) consider it more normal to go on lads holidays then away with their partners. One guy had been on four trips with “the boys” during his four year relationship and never once been on holiday with said girlfriend. This has led my partner to believe I am “lucky” (his own words) that he would still rather go on holiday with me.
He now believes it is the norm for men to go on holiday with their friends rather than their girlfriends/wives because that is what is normal in his friend group.
Am I crazy for thinking this probably isn’t the norm?

I agree. While I don't think it's healthy to live in each others pockets, I would assume that the person you choose to marry is also the person whose company you enjoy the most. I know people who have invited other couples along to go on their honeymoon with them!

How long before he starts telling you how lucky you are that he does not cheat on you or beat you up?

I would suggest he is the lucky one to have found a women he wants to go on trips

Feel free to inform him that HE'S the lucky one for actually having a partner he likes enough to want to go away on holiday with.

Sounds like none of his mates actually enjoy spending time with their partners.

That's not normal in my circle, I think that's really weird. I'd actually leave my partner if he kept going abroad with the lads, instead of me.

Sounds like a bellend, his friends sound like idiots!

Wonder what they've been up to for 5 nights in an incredible cultural city (full of cheap sex workers).

MSM?

I'm thinking of my situation, family, friends, colleagues. I really don't know anyone who mainly goes away with friends if they have a partner. Yes a friends holiday/ weekend away/ night away but actual holidays people seem to do with their partner

I am a fan of having your own things, be they holidays or hobbies, with your friends. It's good to carve out your own time. But a holiday with partner too, please!

So, my DH goes on a boys golf tour every year. It was 7 days when they were in their 20’s/single/unmarried. As they each got married, it would double as a stag and has reduced to 4 days. It’s been their thing for at least 32 years. The dates changed once they had kids so that they didn’t clash with school holidays/end of term events.

However, other 4 weeks of annual leave are spent on family holidays, ie 2 weeks away with kids (many now teens/uni students), a few weekends away with just their wives, a couple (my DH and a mate) take their kids skiing so non-skiing wives can have a peaceful week without them. None prioritise the ‘Boys Tour’ over family or partner commitments.

He needs to grow the fuck up at 30. I'd be evaluating my 'relationship' with him if this is what he prioritises over going away with you.

It is perfectly normal for him to have lads holidays and you girls holidays but not to just have lads holidays and none with their girlfriends/partners.

Well my DH goes skiing with his friends who are male, that to me is a lads holiday. It doesn’t need to be ‘laddish’.

I really hope you're paying attention, because he's laying the groundwork. He is already trying to manage your expectations.

‘Lads’ holidays aren’t even a thing here! At all. I associate them with a certain demographic tbh.

Dh is lucky to have you, not the other way around. Remind him, often. Men with maturity tend to choose life partners they enjoy spending time with…including holidays.

Dh and I tend to agree @StrawberrySquash , it's very important to be yourself once you are in a LTR. I'll put my hand up and say I really don't enjoy our family holidays. With 3 kids it's just bringing all your daily crap to a new location where you need to worry about sunburn. But dh and kids love it so I tolerate it. Last year was easier as they are getting older. To match DHs lads ski trip, I'm taking myself away for a rural retreat on my own this year. I absolutely can't wait. I go off on my own for a night or two every year, dh understands I need it. I know he needs his ski trip. If I had a girl group available to go I'd do that, I have done a few times. We both consider ourselves very lucky to afford the things that keep us happy.

This. DH and I love our holidays together, the opportunity to share our love of travel and interest in the world, dressing up for a proper meal and some drinks in a bar with a view every night. It’s quality time away from the burden of domesticity, no pinging of washing machines, no ironing piles, no dog walks, [can sometimes offload the kids], just quality time with proper conversation. Making memories.

If your BF doesn’t want to spend time with you like this now, before marriage and kids, then I’d move on and find someone who does.

i am 54 and go on girls holidays about 4 times a year ... maybe 6 last year?

Difference is that my husband hates travelling, we tried it last year together and came home after one night 😂as the bed was just fricking awful, the tv didn't work, his phone had no signal ... we laughed, came home and I went off to an air bnb with my bestie

But that unusual, it unsettles people a LOT when I book a holiday and they say "is hubby going?"

no. because he doesnt want to, he's a loner homeboy. I am not

I am very portable and now I work remotely my work is too, so I am off to my friends for a week with me laptop soon to look after her dog on her work days and have fun on our days off

I go away skiing with my friends every year - vaguely unusual as blokes seem to dominate group ski trips, but that’s not the point. It was born out of the childcare juggle. My DH then started to go with his friends. He now also goes cycling. We have hobbies, we have the money, we have the annual leave. It’s quite normal among my friends… well obviously, as they come too. What these trips are not are an excuse for a pissed up rampage around Europe which appears to be what being suggested here. Sod that.

Sounds like he's gearing up for another men-only trip away soon and doesn't want you complaining.

Why do men always seem to go to Eastern Europe for stag dos? But never suggest Eastern Europe for a couples or family holiday?

Him telling you that you're "lucky" rings huge alarm bells for me.

But putting that aside to answer the original question - I think holidays with friends is pretty normal when you're young and single. And even when you get together the chances are that you're still doing that, but you'd start ALSO doing things / going away with your partner. And then you get married and have kids and there will be family holidays and, if time and money permits, there may ALSO be lads/girls trips. But as a family, we'd prioritise a family holiday - not least as otherwise when do the kids get a holiday.

Your dh is lucky he has a wife he wants to spend holidays with. Sounds like his friends are not in happy relationships. Friends trips are great but not instead of partner/family ones.

If my dh had said you are ‘lucky’ after an Eastern European five day trip on a stag I would assume he has had his eyes opened to the concept of buying women for sex and even marriage, and is comparing his set up at home compared to what can be purchased elsewhere. It would create alarm bells to me.

He is basically saying I could be travelling all over for peanuts enjoying easy cheap sex with whoever I like candy shop style, and yet I have come back to you….

You need to have a serious chat op. He is lining up more trips.

Wow "you're lucky" 🤮 wanting to spend time with your partner and enjoying their company is the bare minimum of a relationship.

My husband has never been on a lads holiday since being together 11 years he would much much rather holiday with me. What's the point of having a life partner if you'd rather spend your time with your friends? Benefits of sex and housework? How utterly disrespectful.

I'd be concerned your partner is going to be heavily influenced by these friends. I'd be wondering about his behaviour and views when you're out of earshot.

Yuk

I'd run for the hills before he starts telling you you're lucky anything else tbh

Cringe that’s the mindset. Double cringe about saying you’re “lucky”. Makes me think of the type of person who says you’re lucky if a man “babysits” his children or does something round the house e.g. washing