To not want ILs to "descend" at 2 weeks pp?

[coverp]

Currently 8 days pp with DC3. Difficult birth with a 3rd degree tear, having a lot of trouble with feeding and generally struggling with the challenge of a newborn whilst managing big feelings from our older 2 (5 and 3) following a more protracted hospital stay than we expected.

MIL (with whom relations are strained at the best of times) has announced that she, her parents, her sister plus family and her brother are going to be spending Good Friday with us (12 people in total) so that they can all meet the baby. This was worded in such a way as to make it sound like she was doing us a favour arranging everyone to visit with us (they live a couple of hours away).

I've said a point blank "no" to DH. I'm still in a lot of pain, bleeding profusely, boobs out with nipples in pieces trying to get feeding established. I'm using every ounce of energy I've got whilst baby is asleep trying to reassure the other 2, one of whom is really unsettled by the whole thing.

We saw MIL for her birthday for dinner the night we came home from hospital so she has met baby briefly. I simply don't feel up to hosting a large group, especially not all day. I've suggested DH take the older 2 for a visit at MILs instead but he thinks this would be worse than just saying no as the baby won't be there. My attitude is a bit "tough luck" about it all, but he struggles to say no to his mum who will make him feel very guilty about it.

AIBU to hold the firm "no" and just let him deal with the fallout?

Someone cannot invite themselves and 11 other people over to your house for the day without consulting you. Doesn’t matter who they are!

I’d 100% stand by your no.
To be honest if I were you, keep saying no but if they do come round then I would just go sit in bed upstairs with the baby, feeding etc. Tell your husband to tell his family that they can’t go see you as you’re feeding and not dressed etc. He could take baby downstairs to see people for a few minutes. But as you’ve said no visitors, just avoid seeing them. And don’t prepare anything for them like food etc.
You’ve said no, you’re recovering etc. If your husband is adamant they must come then he can prepare things and entertain them. You stay nice and tucked up in bed with your baby :)
12 people inviting themselves round is ridiculous in any circumstance.

your house your rules... doesn't matter who they are!

could a middle ground be met, say arrange to meet for a pub lunch with them all, spend an hour with them and then head home rather than the whole lot turning up at yours and expecting you to play gracious host while they pass the baby round?

I am actually feeling tearful reading this op. How could you be expected to host all these people as things are. Understandable that people want to see the baby, but they could at least wait until you are fully recovered and up for visitors. There really isn't any great hurry.

Say no and stick to it.

Bloody cheek of them!

Keep on with the 'he goes to them with the older kids' plan.

100% YNBU. DH can grow some balls!

Why do you have to do any hosting? Sounds like an opportunity for you to sit and fuss over your elder 2 in between feeds on 2 strict conditions 1) he does all the hosting - you do not lift a finger and 2) your guests make a fuss over your other kids too.

If it was just the in laws and they would be hands on with the older children then maybe but 12 people is ridiculous.

Absolutely not. Why can your H not say “No. coverp is not well enough for that. We’ll let you know when we are ready for visitors”

if they do something stupid like turn up regardless you shut yourself in your room with baby, get H to bring you food and drink, and let him deal with it.

Do they know what you’ve been through. Have you or H explained?

Send her a message

"Lol, almost thought you were serious there. Once I've recovered from the birth and am feeling less exhausted I'd love to see everyone but obviously won't be hosting...but I look forward to lunch at yours once I'm on an even keel"

Where are they staying? If it’s elsewhere but nearby is there anyway it could be a rest for you or a nice time for your children?

I’ve just reread - is it just a day visit? I’d say you aren’t feeling well on day and hide upstairs and have some rest while kids have a nice visit/attention from lots of relatives and baby gets looked after between feeds.

Genuinely gobsmacked at the absolute outrageous cheek of this! She’s TOLD you you’re hosting 12 of them? I’d tell her in no uncertain terms that this simply isn’t happening, it’s beyond batshit that she’s said this. Mad. If your Dh can’t grow a spine in time, tell her no yourself. I’m seriously amazed at her cheek!

If they refuse to accept no for an answer and your family are nearby, take baby and go there for the day. Your DH needs to support you at this time and should see that your needs trump his mother’s and extended family.

If your DH won’t say no (which he should) then just do it for him. It’s so weird that people don’t equate childbirth to other types of illness when in reality you can often be feeling worse than some would feel after a proper operation but you’re also caring for a newborn. If you had norovirus she wouldn’t expect you to have people round!

Is her sister bringing 7 of her own family or are you counting your family of 5 in the total of 12?

Clearly this is ridiculous. Are they all thick that they think it’s acceptable?
Fair enough to have a short visit from the the patents in law to meet baby. The rest, no.

Hell no! You've got more than enough to deal with! MIL is being totally unreasonable and disrespectful. Apart from all of you adjusting to life with another small person in the family your body's taken a bit of a bashing too. I had a 3rd degree tear and it's not fun! Stick to your guns.

DH Ned’s to grow some. I would e clear with my DH that if he allowed his mother to trample over my boundaries like that we would be done as a couple and he could move himself back home to mummy.
You don’t need to pretend to be ill/ hide upstairs / whatever. She just needs to not visit until your are well enough to want a visit.
My MIL was one of the most self centred people to ever live, but DH recognised this and dealt with her accordingly.

Normally I find some of the MN posts re keeping ILs at arms’ length for two weeks, no holding etc. a bit precious and OTT but not jn this instance. You’ve had s terrible birth, been kept in hospital (normally out in hours so must’ve been grim) and are struggling with wounds, feeding and three small kids. A full day visit with a cast of thousands is not on. tell husband to say no and explain perfectly reasonable decision. If he won’t phone/text your MIL , her sister, brother, parents and every other household planning to attend that you are not up to hosting squads of guests and will see them all when better.

If they have the brass neck to show up retire to bedroom with baby. Leave husband to deal with them.

How rude of her!!!
It's a NO and she should be told how ridiculous her idea is.

Oh bless you, it sounds like you've had a really tough time so I completely understand why you don't want 12 people visiting. Any sane person would understand. Wishing you a speedy recovery

There's no point DH going without the baby, they want to see the baby.

I would say in laws only or nothing - if you're up to that. Again, if you're not then your DH needs to support you. Your MIL should understand.

I'm always concerned about fairness between parents but that doesn't sound an issue here.

Can DH understand that why you are saying no?

Are you kidding. That is a F* No. Who thinks that is ok? I would think it unreasonable for that many people to even visit for 5 mins that early.

This is absolutely outrageous. I'd be telling MIL to fuck off with that suggestion. Your DH needs to grow a bloody pair. If he thinks this suggestion doesn't need a firm no then I'd be telling him to fuck off also. If they arrive on the day, do not let them in for even one minute.

Surely they should be taking your older two off your hands for the weekend to make a fuss of them so they feel special and you get a lower stress weekend.