To not want ILs to "descend" at 2 weeks pp?

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Currently 8 days pp with DC3. Difficult birth with a 3rd degree tear, having a lot of trouble with feeding and generally struggling with the challenge of a newborn whilst managing big feelings from our older 2 (5 and 3) following a more protracted hospital stay than we expected.

MIL (with whom relations are strained at the best of times) has announced that she, her parents, her sister plus family and her brother are going to be spending Good Friday with us (12 people in total) so that they can all meet the baby. This was worded in such a way as to make it sound like she was doing us a favour arranging everyone to visit with us (they live a couple of hours away).

I've said a point blank "no" to DH. I'm still in a lot of pain, bleeding profusely, boobs out with nipples in pieces trying to get feeding established. I'm using every ounce of energy I've got whilst baby is asleep trying to reassure the other 2, one of whom is really unsettled by the whole thing.

We saw MIL for her birthday for dinner the night we came home from hospital so she has met baby briefly. I simply don't feel up to hosting a large group, especially not all day. I've suggested DH take the older 2 for a visit at MILs instead but he thinks this would be worse than just saying no as the baby won't be there. My attitude is a bit "tough luck" about it all, but he struggles to say no to his mum who will make him feel very guilty about it.

AIBU to hold the firm "no" and just let him deal with the fallout?

Get your husband to tell her you are not in a position to host anyone right now, let alone 12 people. If he won't do it, override him and message them yourself.

Advice from someone who's husband has a tendency to be more worried about upsetting his parents than me, it's best to be firm from the off and if he is incapable then you need to takeover the communication.

It's curious really. I think in any normal circumstances, i.e. no baby, someone would never invite themselves and 11 guests round to someone else's house and expect them to host. Who does that? If you want all of those people together, you organise and host it yourself.

But for some reason, when there is a new baby, people will ignore normal rules of courtesy.

I do get it, to a certain extent. You might go for months without visiting a friend at their home, years even, if you're both busy or you prefer to meet each other out somewhere. But when there's a new baby, people want to visit, and are more likely to invite themselves or at least suggest paying a visit than they would be in normal circumstances.

I think it's OK if you have a close relationship with the new mum, you're planning to come alone or as part of a small group and you understand that you should bring food, be helpful and not outstay your welcome, and you don't get the hump if she says she's not up to visitors just yet.

But descending with a huge group of guests that the actual woman who has given birth has not personally invited is never OK. It wouldn't be OK in normal circumstances, but you somehow think it's OK when she's just had a baby, even though the opposite should be true. Some people are so desperate to get their grubby hands on a newborn that they just completely ignore what is in the best interests of this brand new human and his or her mother.

This ^ 100%

Fantastic. But I would leave some bloody sanitary towels on the table too .

Tell your husband under no uncertain terms that unless he tells them they aren't to come, you will be doing it yourself and it won't be done politely.

Pushy, overbearing families are honestly a plague. The fact your DH is even entertaining this idea is a joke.

If your mil thinks it's ok to do this and bring 11 uninvited guest with her I tell your husband that that your not well enough to have this crowd over and you don't want them in your house on that date. Your not feeling well, you have a new born and 2 small kids and everyone is trying to get use to the new baby.
How does his mother think that doing this is fair on you or your family at any time let alone so soon after giving birth?

If she rang and asked would you like a home made meal and a few treats if she called over with your fil for a few mins if you felt up to it that would have been better but to say she is arriving with 11 other people well that just plain selfish.

I get his mother's phone numbers and have your mobile phone beside you.
Keeping ring her number and let her hear the baby crying down the phone from 11 at night till 6 in the morning. Do the same with the fil phone as well. If your awake let's do the same to her and him. Maybe a night of been woken constantly by a ringing phone might teach her a lesson.

No. There is something about new babies that brings out a very old fashioned streak in some women where they declare you have to service a whole load of social needs that are not yours and do a lot catering to boot.

I bet she thinks she is clever. You stick with no, do not negotiate and fix another time that is convenient to you. Unless people are prepared to help, actually help with small babies then they should wait for an invitation that is social.

Na stick to your guns I was really surprised after x2 normal births my 3rd was a nightmare birth then years later I had x3 more again first two births went really well east breezy then on that 3rd again really bad! I’m not sure why but yeah!

He isn’t the one in recovery YOU are! If you allow this you will be seething hope your ok and congratulations 💐

No, no and no. You’ve got enough on your plate. I’ve been there with the newborn, boobs, toddler big feelings etc. You’re recovering, feeding and resting, that’s all you need to be doing right now until you feel ready to do anything else (and that’s not linear, you can dip in and out of life as you wish right now). Honestly, I wouldn’t be compromising on shorter visits, meeting halfway, anything like that. I’d be telling my DH to tell him mum that you’ll let them all know when the time is tight for visits. Congratulations and huge hugs, especially with the boobs because that is bloomin hard going!

I'd sit there right in front of them with both boobs hanging out. They'll soon scarper

I’m 2.5 years pp and would dread the thought of being forced into entertaining 12 people, with no choice! Stick to your guns!

You are not bring unreasonable! I feel a bit overwhelmed atm because there will be 12 of us here at Easter and we don't really have the space. My parents normally have us all - mum loves hosting- but my brother died 10 days ago and I've agreed to host instead. I do host smaller numbers but this Easter everyone wants to come.

Yeah, of course you would.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

YANBU. If you’re visiting someone with a new baby you don’t expect to stay all day (unless you’ve been asked to) and you don’t expect to be hosted, as such. And as for inviting yourself and another 11 people over - good grief!

No no no no! I’m actually appalled at how your husband can think 12 people round is in anyway acceptable given all the challenges you are facing. app suggested meeting them somewhere for an hour. Why should you? You’ve mentioned how much you are struggling, do not bow to pressure like this. You and are babies needs should be met first, not the extended family who want to meet the baby take pictures and leave you exhausted