To not want ILs to "descend" at 2 weeks pp?

[coverp]

Currently 8 days pp with DC3. Difficult birth with a 3rd degree tear, having a lot of trouble with feeding and generally struggling with the challenge of a newborn whilst managing big feelings from our older 2 (5 and 3) following a more protracted hospital stay than we expected.

MIL (with whom relations are strained at the best of times) has announced that she, her parents, her sister plus family and her brother are going to be spending Good Friday with us (12 people in total) so that they can all meet the baby. This was worded in such a way as to make it sound like she was doing us a favour arranging everyone to visit with us (they live a couple of hours away).

I've said a point blank "no" to DH. I'm still in a lot of pain, bleeding profusely, boobs out with nipples in pieces trying to get feeding established. I'm using every ounce of energy I've got whilst baby is asleep trying to reassure the other 2, one of whom is really unsettled by the whole thing.

We saw MIL for her birthday for dinner the night we came home from hospital so she has met baby briefly. I simply don't feel up to hosting a large group, especially not all day. I've suggested DH take the older 2 for a visit at MILs instead but he thinks this would be worse than just saying no as the baby won't be there. My attitude is a bit "tough luck" about it all, but he struggles to say no to his mum who will make him feel very guilty about it.

AIBU to hold the firm "no" and just let him deal with the fallout?

No no no. Stand firm.

Just to be clear, MIL, her parents, her sister and her bother are 5. Is her sisters family another 7 people?

Or is her sister's family 2 and you're counting your own family in the 12 who'll be in the house?

Just tell MIL what you've told us, ie that yore bleeding, exhausted etc and that you won't be able to cope with so many people. I just don't understand the entitlement of some people. Good luck.

I am one of this MNers who is constantly bemused by how so many people seem to never want their families and babies to meet until weeks in etc. I mention this becuase....

THIS IS BATSHIT CRAZY.

You cannot be expected to host 12 people when you are 2 weeks post partum. What the hell are they thinking? I might have some sympathy if MIL said she's having everyone to her house and would like you to come too so that everyone can meet the baby (although I'd still say that this should be something that you'd have to see how you feel) but at your house? WTAF?

We accidentally had this happen o us when I was about 10 days post partum. It wasn't planned and just one of those rather odd poor-planning situations. I found it so hard BUT in that case, my mum was here and leapt into action to serve drinks, tidy up, keep people entertained and my best friend quietly took me and DS upstairs for a bit while DH ran interference downstairs. AND all of the people who turned up totally understood and were apologetic that they'd accidentally all descended at once!

"Hi MIL you can't possibly be suggesting that at 2 weeks post partum, when I'm struggling with birth and feeding complications, that I'm going to host 12 members of your family? You are welcome to visit ALONE for a short visit to see all the kids or DH can bring the eldest two to you but I am absolutely not up to hosting that many people."

With my MIL I'd have just laughed and said no , but then she'd also never have suggested that in a million years.

DC2 was born during Covid so didn't get to meet anyone for months. So I think MIL feels that this is her chance to make up for that in showing off the baby. And her parents are old and not in great health - I can understand the desire to arrange a get together. But at this point I just don't feel physically or emotionally ready for a house full of people.

There is MIL, her parents, her sister (DH's aunt) plus partner plus 2x daughters (DH cousins), partners, 2 children plus MIL brother (DH uncle). 1 of the cousin's partners we haven't even met, which makes it even more daunting.

I'm 23 years post partum and the thought of 12 people, descending on me, uninvited, brings me out in a sweat!! Stick to your guns on this one OP, far too much for you, or your older 2 children, to cope with.

Congratulations on your new baby OP!Sounds like you are doing a great job and I hope you start to feel better soon 💐

Are you sure there isn't a communication mistake/breakdown somewhere?I'm shocked that so many adults wouldn't clock that this is SUCH an unreasonable idea. My kids are 7 and 12 and I still wouldn't be happy with such a large group 'informing' me that I was hosting them,let alone with what you are currently going through.

Yikes, yeah that's too many.

Simply announcing that you'll be hosting 12 people in 4 days time without asking is completely unreasonable at any time.

Doing so in your circumstances is so fucking insanely unreasonable I'd be tempted to laugh at MIL in the presumption that she MUST be joking...

That's a massive FUCK. NO. from me

Keep saying no. Your DH needs to put on a united front with you, even if it is difficult. I had a similar birth (3rd degree tear etc) and also a selfish fucker of a mother in law who didn't give 2 shits how I felt, had zero respect for my recovery and privacy and just wanted to make herself at home at my house and hog the baby. It's bad enough when you've had a difficult start, without entitled arseholes making things worse. Look after yourself and your little ones. X

I don't understand the mentality of some people. Who in their right minds thinks it's OK for 12 people to descend on anyone, with or without a new baby. I can understand the grandparents being excited but cousins and their partners. Don't they feel embarrassed at the prospect of being entertained by a stressed, breastfeeding mum with two toddlers as well? To be honest the whole day sounds like my idea of hell on earth not only as the host but as a guest!

Oh dear me no

This deserves a big fat NO.

Don’t be ridiculous. She doesn’t want them there at all - did you not read how fragile she is? 12 people will be absolute bedlam.

I feel like she must have told the others that you'd invited them. Surely out of all of those adults at least one would have the sense to check you're okay with it at the very least.

This was when I thought there fewer visitors, for 12 I the house in total. If you'd read before you reply, you'll see that she has clarified numbers and I have changed my view. But I see you regularly and reading the full thread is not your MO.

12 people. A two week old baby. Think of the germs.

And that's without considering the state of your poor chuff, OP. Definitely no.

You’re quite right, I don’t always read the whole thing and sometimes I wish I’d been a bit more patient. I do read the initial post though, and it’s clear there were 12 guests.

Stick to your guns op! The day I came out of hospital 10 of dh's relatives turned up at our home! I had to ask someone to move to let me sit down! At least that was only a quick cup of tea visit and I made sure to extend the time I spent in my bedroom feeding.

That is far far too many people. Two would be ok. Not 12. Say no.

Does she live close. Can she host and you pop by for half an hour and then leave the other children there for a while?

DH was extremely unwell a few years ago and was in hospital for quite a while. One of his friends was in the area and wanted to come and visit. However he wanted to bring his wife, 3 children, 2 dogs and his in laws! It was ridiculous trying to explain why someone heavily medicated and exhausted wouldn’t want half a dozen people round.

Yes, absolutely put your foot down. If they won't take no for an answer do you have family locally that you can decamp to?

If you can't, then you absolutely zero effort to host them. You can point to where the tap, the kettle and the teabags are, then when you have had enough just decamp upstairs.

I jolly well hope that your husband has your back and has the balls to tell his family that you aren't ready for visitors yet.

And congratulations

I’d let her bring her elderly parents for a few hours. So, three visitors. DH does the cleaning and buys a few cakes, makes coffee etc.

Just say no, and that’s coming from someone who is 14 days pp with a 5 and 3 year old as well (so know how you feel!)… oh and a third degree tear too 😅😅

Bit off topic but just reading about your feeding journey - this time round I have invested in nipple shields and it’s made feeding so much easier this time, very little pain. Hope things get a bit easier soon and stick to your guns if your not feeling up to it x