To not want ILs to "descend" at 2 weeks pp?

[coverp]

Currently 8 days pp with DC3. Difficult birth with a 3rd degree tear, having a lot of trouble with feeding and generally struggling with the challenge of a newborn whilst managing big feelings from our older 2 (5 and 3) following a more protracted hospital stay than we expected.

MIL (with whom relations are strained at the best of times) has announced that she, her parents, her sister plus family and her brother are going to be spending Good Friday with us (12 people in total) so that they can all meet the baby. This was worded in such a way as to make it sound like she was doing us a favour arranging everyone to visit with us (they live a couple of hours away).

I've said a point blank "no" to DH. I'm still in a lot of pain, bleeding profusely, boobs out with nipples in pieces trying to get feeding established. I'm using every ounce of energy I've got whilst baby is asleep trying to reassure the other 2, one of whom is really unsettled by the whole thing.

We saw MIL for her birthday for dinner the night we came home from hospital so she has met baby briefly. I simply don't feel up to hosting a large group, especially not all day. I've suggested DH take the older 2 for a visit at MILs instead but he thinks this would be worse than just saying no as the baby won't be there. My attitude is a bit "tough luck" about it all, but he struggles to say no to his mum who will make him feel very guilty about it.

AIBU to hold the firm "no" and just let him deal with the fallout?

@coverp This is just off the scale unreasonable cheeky fuckery of the highest order.

You have had a difficult birth, you are still bleeding and in pain, you are still struggling with feeding and the other children are unsettled.

NO NO NO. NO to MIL coming with 12 other visitors. NO to MIL coming with her parents. NO to just MIL coming on her own. Just NO.

If necessary lose it completely with DH and tell him in no uncertain terms that you will not be entertaining any visitors until you are ready. You need to make him feel more guilty about upsetting you than upsetting his mother.

I don't even have children and if anyone attempted to tell me they were just going to rock up to my house with 11 companions in 3 day's time I'd never stop laughing!

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. I recently had a very similar situation, I was 5 days PP and stood my ground, DP took DS1 with him to meet them and I stayed at home with the baby. Put yourself first OP. X

This is crazy. And your DH is a little pathetic, sorry.

This is crazy. I lived a long way away from relatives and I sympathise with MIL wanting to see you all. If they desperately want MIL's parents to also see the baby I suggest that DH hosts MIL plus parents -no one else at all. That's ridiculous! DH if he agrees to host for a couple of hours could do it, you could stay upstairs the whole time or come down for 15 minutes to say hello and return to bed. They could see DH and all the children. Baby could go down to see them briefly and be returned to you. DC2 who is feeling a little uncertain could pop up and down as they wish.
It relies on DH agreeing and ensuring MIL agrees, and no one has any expectation of you being downstairs with them at all. But aunts cousins etc will have to wait for another family occasion.

If your husband is too chicken shit to stand up to his mother, and subjects you to this absolute madness, I will personally come and set him on fire for you. My god.

Better plan still, go out for a very long pub lunch and a leisurely walk in the park, with luck they will have been and gone by the time you get home!

In lots of pain, bleeding heavily and extremely sore nipples....? There's no way I would impose on a woman in this condition having just given birth, unless she'd specifically asked me to come over to help.

yes, because this is exactly how it's going to pan out isn't it? and even if it did, op is just not ready for this.

@coverp so glad you are able to advocate for yourself and have told dh a big fat blanket NO. i feel stressed just reading this, how can people be so inconsiderate?

Don't be stupid...that ain't happening.bugger being polite.

Stay firm. You can always say “As nice as it would be to see you all, I’m not recovered enough for that yet. I’ll let you know when I’m feeling better and we can arrange something else”. The last thing you need is someone inviting themselves and a massive group of people in to your space for a prolonged period of time.

I think it depends if you would have same response to your family doing the same then yes it's fair.

Do not believe any promises about how you won't have to do anything OP. They may be well intentioned promises but they will not come true. Stand firm and say no. Absolutely do not clean or make any plans to cook. Make sure your husband knows this.

Are there any of his family who you're close to OP? A sympathetic SIL/aunt maybe? If so could be worth a frank 'my nipples are bleeding and my stitches hurt' text to plead with them to put this off. At least then someone else will be supporting your position.

Definitely not unreasonable.

It’s the Baby they want to see . So have a day in your bed and let hubby and in-laws deal with the kids

No. Why would she want 12 people breathing germs all over her baby? Why would she want to sit in bed whilst her baby is downstairs being passed around like a parcel? Why would she want a house full of people who would either disturb her or call her rude for staying in bed?

I feel frustrated for you purely on the basis that you're trying to establish breastfeeding, let alone all the other factors. BF for me, was harder work than childbirth and it still is now even though my son is 9 months! I definitely didn't want people seeing me in various states of undress after giving birth, so I feel your pain. We just want some privacy back!

If your husband can't be honest with them, and maybe he needs to really spell it out and explain you are bleeding and lucky if you get a shower etc etc, I'd be inclined to say you've picked up a bug and don't want to spread it. Some people just don't take the f*ing hint.

I am so sorry your DH has even communicated any of this with you. He should have shut his mother down immediately. Absolutely completely out of the question! This is something 100% falling out over, big time. No no and for the aunts and uncles packing their bags at the back, NO.

If you’re not up to hosting & it sounds like you’re not (with very good reason) then it’s a hard no. Your husband needs to speak to his mother & tell her no. Are the 11 people expecting to be fed etc? I mean, even without a newborn & 2 under 5’s this is a big ask!! And such a huge group with a new baby would be completely overwhelming!! Is your husband planning to cook for everyone too? Honestly - it’s a completely unreasonable request for them to all come - & pretty rude too!!

If they're coming, your DH had better get himself organised with the catering and entertainment for Friday hadn't he. You can stay upstairs in bed recovering and bonding with the baby whilst he deals with the twats downstairs.... or he says no that doesn't work for us
You - don't do a thing to help him, you've had a difficult birth and need to rest and recover!

Tell them to book a restaurant near you and you will pop in if you feel up to it.

Do you really think the OP sounds like she wants to go and sit in a pub with her newborn?

People suggesting her husband does the hosting are not getting the point. He needs to be helping her and helping the other children not making food for 11 extra people and tidying up after them.

NOT. A. CHANCE. Stick to your guns. Dh is an adult, he needs to start acting like one.