To not want ILs to "descend" at 2 weeks pp?

[coverp]

Currently 8 days pp with DC3. Difficult birth with a 3rd degree tear, having a lot of trouble with feeding and generally struggling with the challenge of a newborn whilst managing big feelings from our older 2 (5 and 3) following a more protracted hospital stay than we expected.

MIL (with whom relations are strained at the best of times) has announced that she, her parents, her sister plus family and her brother are going to be spending Good Friday with us (12 people in total) so that they can all meet the baby. This was worded in such a way as to make it sound like she was doing us a favour arranging everyone to visit with us (they live a couple of hours away).

I've said a point blank "no" to DH. I'm still in a lot of pain, bleeding profusely, boobs out with nipples in pieces trying to get feeding established. I'm using every ounce of energy I've got whilst baby is asleep trying to reassure the other 2, one of whom is really unsettled by the whole thing.

We saw MIL for her birthday for dinner the night we came home from hospital so she has met baby briefly. I simply don't feel up to hosting a large group, especially not all day. I've suggested DH take the older 2 for a visit at MILs instead but he thinks this would be worse than just saying no as the baby won't be there. My attitude is a bit "tough luck" about it all, but he struggles to say no to his mum who will make him feel very guilty about it.

AIBU to hold the firm "no" and just let him deal with the fallout?

I can't get over that anyone would even given this a seconds consideration. The answer is no.
We don't need solutions or catering. People just need to accept the word is no and it is final. No explanations necessary.

DH will have to get a grip and tell her no.

I suspect if the OP's own mother suggested this sort of nonsense, OP would be able to say no and that her husband would support her. It's once again a husband problem.

Why wouldn't MIL be hosting at hers & you invited there?

She sounds awful.

Your husband should be able to tell her no & there be no fall out.

That's on her & he needs to realise that the more you pander to that shit the worse it gets.

Isn't he ashamed of thinking that you should endure that just because he can't/won't say no to his mum?

You are overlooking the fact that the OP will be nursing the baby and that one of the children at least has been badly upset by being separated from her. So essentially the children will want to be where she is, not with random relatives, some of whom they don't even know.

It's rude and uncaring of her. However, why spoil your post partum time with a row. I'd say that you explain you aren't yet well enough to cook and host, but you're up for a meet half way for a meal. The oldies might prefer the shorter travel in any case, and it's only an hour for you too.

I remember being home from hospital with baby having had a 3rd degree tear and struggling to breastfeed. It was horrendous - bleeding heavily, not being able to sit down properly, crying on the loo when I tried to go, farting when I got up as I’d lost all pelvic floor control, boobs out and milk everywhere, being mind-numbing exhausted and emotional, feeling at my worst and most vulnerable. There is no way I could have had anyone over to see me in that state, unless it was my mum or sister who took care of me.

You’ve just gone through a difficult birth, a hospital stay, and what is the rough equivalent of a marathon and major surgery at the same time. You need peace, quiet and a safe and nurturing environment. You and baby are not a show for every distant relative to come and ogle at. Whilst I appreciate that family get excited about a new baby, that desire to see the baby does not trump your need to recover.
Stick to your guns and say a firm NO to any visitors who you don’t feel comfortable being in that state with. Make it very clear to your DH that he needs to have your back on this and support you, or you will never forgive him. If you don’t stand up for yourself, and get DH to stand up for you, you will always regret it and feel angry about how you were pushed into this when you were at your most vulnerable.
You might be in a much more settled and better position for visitors in the next week or so. Reassure your MIL (or get DH to) that as soon as you are in a better state, you will invite her and her parents for a visit and cuddle with the baby.
And there is no way that 12 people, including one you’ve never met, should be descending on you at any point other than an event you organise! That is crazy! How can anyone think hosting that amount of people is a reasonable request even at the best of times, let alone at this post-baby time?! There won’t be enough seats, it would be bedlam, noisy and overwhelming.

Best of luck OP, and congratulations on your baby. Things will settle and you will work it all out. The older kids will come around, get them to help you with baby. And baby can wait / be consoled by dad if you are doing something important with the other two ie bedtime stories, so they feel like you are still there for them too.

Congrats on your new baby! My midwife recommended arnica for healing and looking after yourself because you need to totally focus on that for your children's best interests.

What is it about Easter that brings out the crazy.
We were living in a caravan with an 18month and I was six months pregnant.
The bank hol weekend had been fully mapped out for extreme diy so we could get in the house. In-laws turned up to surprise! What fun. The expectation being that everyone has a roast on Sunday, no problems just a few more potatoes. We had a pasta bake, crack on meal plan.
I still have no idea why I ended up driving MIl around the local small open shops trying to conjure up a Easter spread with two hot plates and a microwave.
Good news is that since then I've never been entrusted to cater in any way,. 18 years past partum and still recovering. Invite them in, 12 fondant fancies from the petrol station and instructions to go easy on the milk and future xmases and holidays are yours guilt free.

@coverp YANBU.

tell dh it’s not happening and that if they turn up, you won’t be letting them in.

say it and mean it.

im outraged for you!

No No No. your husband needs to tell them you're still recovering and not up to any visitors or trips out.

This. Show your DH this thread, so he understand just how fucking unreasonable his mother is being.

And these 12 will ALL want to handle the baby.

That alone gets a hard no from me. Leaving aside the cheeky fuckery and thoughtlessness of it all.

THIS.

So she invited 12 people over to your house, wouldn't want to do that without just having a horrific birth and a 2 week old baby!!

No is a complete sentence.

that's crazy, the stress caused by this will be detrimental to your health and potentially the baby's health, stand firm and DH and his family will just have to deal.

I don't even have DC and know that's a giant no
My friend gave birth, I turned up with a gift, said how beautiful the baby was, made her a coffee and lunch with what was in the fridge and brought cake
Asked if she wanted to chat or me to go, she said chat so I stayed for 30 mins and left

What part of the world are you in so that we can arrive and prohibit this woman and her family from entering your home so that you can rest and recuperate from the birth of your baby?

Alternatively, get your DH to tell his family (as they are coming from his side of the gene pool) that he will bring baby and two kids to meet said family members in X hotel for lunch and you can then use this time away from the kids and your DH to shower and freshen yourself up and give yourself some time to breathe.

You are most definitely not being unreasonable to say "No, not right now" to all of them.

What does your DH say to the situation? I'm going out on a limb here and say that he may have even suggested them arriving en masse so that the visit could be done in one go and doesn't see anything wrong with that, but I'm open to being proved wrong on that point.

I think I would compromise and suggest in-laws and grandparents only, order food in (fish & chips perfectly acceptable on a Good Friday) and inform DH that he is 100% hosting.

No, no, no, 1000x no!

Maybe if you are up for it MIL + 1/2 other people for a short visit. But not 12 people in the house. My family all live about 3 hours away and when they came to visit in the early days they brought food and usually stayed 2 hours max, but not in groups of 12!!

Nope.
My friend agreed to this in the vein of getting everyone over and done with. The reality was she was expected to make tea and sandwiches all day and didn’t see her baby all day.
Stick to your no.

But the OP hasn't said she is up for meeting them half way for a meal. She says she's "still in a lot of pain, bleeding profusely, boobs out with nipples in pieces trying to get feeding established". Who would want to get in the car, drive for an hour, sit in a noisy pub for two hours and then drive home again, with all that going on? She's had a bad tear, she might not even be able to sit down comfortably.

Please don't do this. You don't want to, you don't have to. It's insane that any of them even think this is ok.

Message your DH and say 'have you told everyone we're not hosting on Good Friday or do you want me to do it?'

If he's useless and moans on about it being wonderful, not wanting to upset them etc just say I've just given birth to your third child, I'm still bleeding, it's hard. Don't upset ME by making this about your parents

It's a firm no and if DH won't support that then you and baby need to go to
Someone's house for the day where you feel comfortable and can relax and you don't go home till they have gone. You shouldn't have to do this but if they won't get the hint then you make the hint crystal clear.
It's your home they do not get to invite themselves.

Please do not give in. Put yourself and the baby first. Your husband needs to get his priorities straight and stop pussyfooting around his mum.

YANBU

The audacity some people have thinking they can invite themselves and others to someone’s home. I would be thinking wtf is wrong with you if a family member did this to another and invited me to David person’s house. I’d be asking point blank for them to explain how that isn’t rude and entitled and see how they rationalise it.

This 😂 it's rude to do even if you've never had a baby.

It is absolutely unbelievable the way some mums of young babies are treated.