To not want ILs to "descend" at 2 weeks pp?

[coverp]

Currently 8 days pp with DC3. Difficult birth with a 3rd degree tear, having a lot of trouble with feeding and generally struggling with the challenge of a newborn whilst managing big feelings from our older 2 (5 and 3) following a more protracted hospital stay than we expected.

MIL (with whom relations are strained at the best of times) has announced that she, her parents, her sister plus family and her brother are going to be spending Good Friday with us (12 people in total) so that they can all meet the baby. This was worded in such a way as to make it sound like she was doing us a favour arranging everyone to visit with us (they live a couple of hours away).

I've said a point blank "no" to DH. I'm still in a lot of pain, bleeding profusely, boobs out with nipples in pieces trying to get feeding established. I'm using every ounce of energy I've got whilst baby is asleep trying to reassure the other 2, one of whom is really unsettled by the whole thing.

We saw MIL for her birthday for dinner the night we came home from hospital so she has met baby briefly. I simply don't feel up to hosting a large group, especially not all day. I've suggested DH take the older 2 for a visit at MILs instead but he thinks this would be worse than just saying no as the baby won't be there. My attitude is a bit "tough luck" about it all, but he struggles to say no to his mum who will make him feel very guilty about it.

AIBU to hold the firm "no" and just let him deal with the fallout?

Not in a month of Sundays would I have been hosting for 12 (+my own family) 2 weeks pp.

Either DH plans and delivers it ALL or he says no. He doesn't get to say yes but then let you sort it because you're saying no!!

No way would 12 people be turning up to breathe germs all over my young baby, plus unsettling the older two.
Tell mil that just her and the elderly gp’s can come.
The others will have to wait.

Wow OP. Hugs to you! Congratulations on your lovely newborn but you sound immensely tired and in pain neither of which will help your stress or tolerance levels. I personally think even MIL and FIL at this stage is too much let alone all the other people. And to meet the day after you came home from hospital for her birthday tells me you are a Saint! You need to say no for your own mental health. Perhaps the bank holiday st the end of May you can see a few people eg. 1 or 2 but that is madness. It won't be pretty but neither will the stress you will be under and the fallout with your other two children when everyone leaves to have a wonderful night sleep and you and hubby are left with it. Hugs. Stay strong OP.

Is your mil supremely thick? Or just supremely selfish?

Your dh needs to sort this right now.

Not an ice cube's chance in hell.

Just no. From you or your DH.

Absolutely NOT. If your DH isn't handling saying no then you have to do it.

Ok, not good the way it was presented but if dh won't say no then it's up to him to facilitate it. You just stay upstairs and let him look after the baby downstairs and host etc.

It sounds like your MIL is the type you have to set strong boundaries for. (My exMIL was the same so I can sympathise!).

Firstly, tell your DH it’s not happening. No discussion or debate, you don’t want ANY visitors. You need to spell it out clearly to him - you had a major tear, you are bleeding heavily, it’s challenging to wee or poo, your boobs are sore, your stitches are painful and you haven’t established bf yet due to the difficult birth. He can upset you or MIL, he can’t keep both of you happy in this situation.

Secondly, DH can decide whether he says no to his mother or you do. If it’s you, it won’t be nearly as polite as his version!

12 people that are all going to want to cuddle and slobber all over a newborn?That alone is a hard NO even without all the other problems you're having. Stick to your guns and congratulations💐

"MIL thank you so much - I'll bring the baby downstairs for lunch for half an hour.

The jobs that need doing are vacuuming, dusting, cleaning the bathroom and the kitchen, plus obviously buying and cooking lunch. If you could divide those jobs between you and the guests and let me know in advance who's doing what, that'd be great."

With 12 guests, you might need to remind each person to pass the baby to the next person after a 2 minute cuddle. Well, that's unless baby's in a clingy mood in which case you're welcome to each sit next to me for two minutes and watch me cuddle her.

Can't wait! And so kind of you to share the baby time with so many others. We'd thought we might pop over to yours for an hour but now we won't need to.

Lots of love xxx"

Surely once you aks dh what HE is cooking the plan will be cancelled?

Pub lunch with a baby and 2 small children?

Congratulations on your baby.

Hard no to hosting extended family. That is absolutely flipping obscene.

Tell her she can come for a couple of hours if she is that desperate to see the baby. Nobody else. Your DH really, really needs to have your back on this one otherwise he is part of the problem.

I would tell dh that's fine but I won't be leaving my bed for the entire time they are here as I will be resting/recovering and he needs to deal with it all.

12 people?
That’s not a no, that’s a oh hell no!!

100%. I had a tear too and men just don't understand the pain!!! Your DH needs to stick up for you and say no.

Absolutely not. I can’t believe the cheek of her announcing this!

Your DH needs to deal with this quick smart. He needs to tell his parents that you need peace and support to recover from the birth, not stress and endless visitors descending upon you! If you’re feeling charitable, you could agree to a one hour visit for PIL and perhaps the elderly great-grandparents. But even so DH would be doing all the hosting & dealing with the older 2 kids.

Fucking no. I thought I’d be telling you yabu. I was not expecting to read that your mil has invited every man and his dog round to yours for the day. Ya categorically nbu and your dh needs to grow a backbone and stand up for you. He should bloody well be thanking his lucky stars that you haven’t run a mile at this level of batshittery.

No need to be snippy, we’re all on OP’s side.

Blimey!

Who does she think will be doing the cooking/making the drinks? To be honest, even if it’s always your husband and he is well-known for being an excellent cook, it’s still taking the piss to invite yourself (plus loads of extras) to someone else’s house!

Your DH needs to say you obviously won’t be doing that as you’ve not long given birth.

Why doesn’t your MIL host everyone and you can pop in for a meal and then leave when you like? What would she say to that suggestion, @coverp ?

Another No.

If your DH cant sort it because he lost his spine on the no 13 bus or whatever.... and SOMEHOW all these fuckers turn up...

Do not lift a finger.
Buy in NO food.
Prepare NO food.
Announce the baby is cluster feeding when they arrive.
Go to bedroom close door.
Make sure there are excellent snacks in the bedroom.
Do not come back out until they leave.

Sorry this is happening to you.

Oh wow. 12 people. Absolutely not. I would say yes to MIL only and do zero hosting.

Aww op, congratulations on your little arrival and to get to the point no you are not being unreasonable. How selfish of everyone involved to invite themselves round and I'm including your hubby in this, I don't want to be on his case too much as he's your man lol but I'm sorry you come first. I don't care even if you was able to have them all over, at the end of the day you ask If you can come over you don't decide for the homeowner. Also what's this obsession these mils have to show off the baby.. erm she's had her time with her own kids, this baby is yours to show off as and when you are ready. If you're hubby won't speak up op then send your mil a message and explain to her that you can't host on good Friday because its just too much and mil herself she should be aware of what your body is going thru right now. My inlaws were inappropriate like this too. They thought they had just had the baby not me, and my hubby never spoke up either and you know what .. I completely regret not speaking up. I wish I had taken all the time I needed and put myself and my baby first. Xx

Absolutely not.

At the absolute most I would allow her to bring her elderly parents round, but no one else. Even that would infuriate me because she is the one who has put you in this position, but I'd probably suck it up for the sake of my husband's elderly grandparents, as long as the visit wasn't for more than a couple of hours.

If you feel you can handle that, get your husband to tell her she can bring her parents but nobody else, and if she doesn't accept that the whole thing is off.

You don't invite yourself and 11 other people to someone else's house at any time, let alone when they've just had a baby. How ridiculous.

Normally I find these post birth visiting threads a bit precious. But jeeze. 12 people?! That's madness.

I'd simply say that you're sorry, but you're still in a lot of pain and hosting 12 is out of the question. But MIL and baby's great grandparents are welcome.