To not want ILs to "descend" at 2 weeks pp?

[coverp]

Currently 8 days pp with DC3. Difficult birth with a 3rd degree tear, having a lot of trouble with feeding and generally struggling with the challenge of a newborn whilst managing big feelings from our older 2 (5 and 3) following a more protracted hospital stay than we expected.

MIL (with whom relations are strained at the best of times) has announced that she, her parents, her sister plus family and her brother are going to be spending Good Friday with us (12 people in total) so that they can all meet the baby. This was worded in such a way as to make it sound like she was doing us a favour arranging everyone to visit with us (they live a couple of hours away).

I've said a point blank "no" to DH. I'm still in a lot of pain, bleeding profusely, boobs out with nipples in pieces trying to get feeding established. I'm using every ounce of energy I've got whilst baby is asleep trying to reassure the other 2, one of whom is really unsettled by the whole thing.

We saw MIL for her birthday for dinner the night we came home from hospital so she has met baby briefly. I simply don't feel up to hosting a large group, especially not all day. I've suggested DH take the older 2 for a visit at MILs instead but he thinks this would be worse than just saying no as the baby won't be there. My attitude is a bit "tough luck" about it all, but he struggles to say no to his mum who will make him feel very guilty about it.

AIBU to hold the firm "no" and just let him deal with the fallout?

Nope. And don't even let him suggest 'I'll look after them' because that won't happen.

My MIL once announced she was bringing some German friends (who I'd never met) to stay with us for a week in the summer as we lived in a nicer part of the country than them. I was working full time (as was my husband) and we had a two year old who woke hourly throughout the night and we were barely surviving. The thought of having sort breakfast for four extra adults whilst trying to get my exhausted two year old ready for nursery and myself ready for work and be out of the door for 7.30am was too horrific to contemplate. And then have to entertain/feed them in the evening and the havoc it would play with toddler's bedtime routine. I think I was the first person ever to have said a very hard NO FUCKING WAY to MIL.

Wow op you poor thing.

I did host my dd1's bday party (age 5) less than 3 weeks after my third dd was born with 14 adults and approx 12 kids and post section. But I felt Well and chose to do this, I ordered pizzas in and my husband did everything and mine and husbands family are all so understanding and helpful.

In my case I didnt want dd1 to think having dd3 was the cause of her having no bday party so just did it.

In your case while still actively recovering, establishing breastfeeding (I didnt bf on dd3) and being expected to wait hand on foot on dh's cousins and kids etc I would absolutely say no. The absolute cheek.

No. No. No. No. No.on repeat. I'm not up to it. Your mother & grandparents for an hour yes but other than that no. (If you can manage) or just your mother yes or no altogether. Whatever you are able for. You are not being precious and I'm sure (having also had a baby during covid) you'd love to show your dc off...when you are physically able.

Good luck op.

I think Dh says ‘hi mum you’re welcome to come over of course, cover won’t be around for long as it’s all a bit hard at the moment but I will be, but you cannot bring all these people. It’s too much at the moment. Just you and dad (if relevant) or not at all, and let’s see how we feel in another few weeks.’

I think this is reasonable, but I would be making it clear that it was not for the whole day (a couple of hours is plenty of time) and that we wouldn't be providing a meal. Just tea and cake, they're coming to meet the baby after all not to enjoy your hospitality.

Congratulations on the birth of your new little one 💐 it's hard to fathom the thought process of someone who thinks they can invite all those people to your house and expect you to host them with a new baby and 2 other little ones to look after! Absolutely hold firm on saying no and tell your DH to deal with his mother. She is being very very unreasonable. In a few more weeks you may feel up to a visit from relations, but only 1 or 2 at a time and just for a couple of hours. I think the rules for visiting a new mother are a) don't outstay your welcome b) take home made food for them and make the teas/coffees c) offer to do some laundry/washing up/hold baby while they nip off for a shower/bath! Basically be useful and don't expect to be 'hosted'

Are you comfortable texting MIL directly if your DH doesn’t want to say no?

Spot on. This mil is a CFer of the highest order. Personally I’d be telling her to FUCK RIGHT OFF!

You're not being unreasonable at all here!
You, and your 3 young children need a bit of bloody time right now! No, you don't have to be paraded about to a bunch of near strangers. I'm sure not all of them are even that fussed about your baby, they don't sound like they're all close relatives. So it just seems like unnecessary pressure and stress for you.

Maybe try and find a mutual place where they can enjoy themselves and have a nice meal, where you can come along for an hour or so. Whatever you're feeling up to.

You don't owe them anything. I don't think they're being intentionally unkind or anything like that, but it's so much extra on your plate when you really don't need anything else on your plate!

Why is it that all these DHs find it impossible to say no to their mummies but have absolutely no problem saying no to the women to whom they have made literal vows?

You have just put your life in danger giving birth to his child. You are in pain and bleeding. You are also looking after your other two children. Tell him to get a fucking grip.

This! Don't hide or lie, you're a grown woman so act accordingly. Tell your DH to deal with this or he can pack his bags. MIL is so rude inviting herself and others over to your home and especially after you've just given birth. They should wait to be invited.

Why is it that all these DHs find it impossible to say no to their mummies but have absolutely no problem saying no to the women to whom they have made literal vows?

Shocking, isn't it.

That's awful that your husband feels no guilt at inflicting these people on you, and finds it easy to say no to you.
What's his explanation for why the woman's demands are more important than your healing?

Absolutely not. Do not budge. Be prepared for a falling out but it would be a hard no from me!

This

Stay Firm. 12 people the nerve of her.

Absolutely no. That is so unreasonable of MIL and your husband to think it's ok. Ask him if he would be ok with your family coming round when he's sat with his bits out and in pain.
A firm no is required from your Husband. Tell him if they want to get together at MILs with him and your other kids they can do but you and baby will be staying at home.

Why the hell are people suggesting she go to MILs/ only come downstairs for a short time etc?

She doesn't want to see the cheeky fuckers.

You went out for dinner the night you came home from hospital??

Pick a pub near you...
Tell them you will meet them there, and only there.
That you will not let them in the house.
Also only go for as long as you want and get your husband to drop you back home.
Your other children can wait with family , and he can rejoin after your sadly home.

They mustn't have bothered to read the OP where it says her genitals have been torn, and the MIL lives hours away. Yes, great idea-go and visit her!/traipse up and down stairs for no reason 😄

I think you should text her yourself and say exactly what you wrote in your OP:

‘I'm still in a lot of pain, bleeding profusely, boobs out with nipples in pieces trying to get feeding established. I'm using every ounce of energy I've got whilst baby is asleep trying to reassure the other 2, one of whom is really unsettled by the whole thing.’

then just say there’s no way you can host 12 people at this point and you look forward to seeing family in a few weeks/months time when you’ve found your feet

And like a pp, I’m 18 years postpartum and would refuse a family gathering of 12! Way too stressful

Say no and stick to it. It’s your baby and you get to decide! What a piss take!

She must be off her head! TWELVE people coming over when you are recovering? Just no bloody way.