AIBU to ask - would you donate a kidney as a live donor?

[TransplantRequired]

I have name changed, but been around a while.

I have recently been told my kidneys are failing, and I need a transplant or dialysis. The consultant and nurse are strongly encouraging me to find a living donor, because for various reasons dialysis is not a long term prospect of success for me, and the deceased donor list could take 3 to 5 years on average.

I do not have any siblings, or close family. My parents and their siblings all dead, and I am not in contact with any cousins, nieces etc. So, the only thing would be to approach my friends. I’m not one for discussing my health, so none of my friends know I have anything wrong with me. Any request would come completely out of the blue.

I am not comfortable broaching this with them, and I wouldn’t expect any of them to do it. But the consultant and nurse were astonished by me saying this, and really don’t accept that I don’t know anyone I feel close enough to to approach.

So, if one of your friends (not family, I think that’s different) needed a kidney, and you were in good health, and a match, would you offer?

YABU - Of course I would, it’s what friends are for!
YANBU - No, that’s too much to ask a friend to do.

Sadly, although I love my friends and do a lot for them, but my friendships aren't such that I would want to do this. But I think some people do have friendships like this. I have a morbid fear of invasive surgery which doesn't help.

I only heard recently that Selena Gomez' friend donated a kidney to her.

I’m sorry you are going through your own health issues, @AlmostAJillSandwich . I wish you well.

I don't know. I think I would for my best friend because I'd rather live a shorter life with her in it than a longer life without her. I don't think I would got any other friend. DC and parents only.

For someone I loved yes, I'm close to my friends but not enough I don't think although I know some peoples friendship groups are that close.
Personally for me it would be a big decision because I suffered from UTI's and kidney infections through my 20's and I have a concern that there could be issues with my kidneys that would come to light later and if I only had one I'd be in trouble but yes, if it was close family I would without hesitation.

Only my daughter. Nobody else. My parents are quite old so I doubt they'd be needing one. And I love my DP but if we split up I'd want it back 😁

I'm so sorry to hear you are in this situation OP. I am a mum of two, I have two siblings and both my parents are alive and in their 80s.
I would not give to my parents because of their age (and they wouldn't want me to), I would donate to either of my siblings, my children and my DH. I have 2 very close friends that I would consider donating to, but I'm not sure. Mainly because I would be worried about something going wrong with my remaining kidney and then not being around for my kids.

I wouldn't - I'm my children's only parent and they have some additional needs, I couldn't risk not being here or not being fit to care for them. When I had no kids and didn't expect to have any in the future I probably would have considered it.

All the best OP

You sound lovely, OP, I hope you find a donor and have a long and healthy life.

I'd do it without thought for my daughter or my niece, and for my husband. I don't think I'd do it for a friend though.

I would for my best friend if I could, but as my DS is disabled and dependent on me it wouldn’t be an option.

Just to add, for information for anyone who might want it, the consultant and nurse answered some of the points which have come up on this thread, and which I, too, had raised:

Anyone who has donated a kidney, who subsequently becomes in need of a transplant themselves is given priority on the donor list.

Living donors are reimbursed all expenses associated with donating, including topping up sick pay, childcare expenses, etc.

A living donor has their own, completely separate medical team, overseeing their care pre and post donation to ensure there can be no conflict of interest.

Anyone who comes forward to find out more about donating has complete confidentiality, and can withdraw right up to the point of donation. The recipient would not be told anyone is undergoing tests, or would simply be told the organ is not suitable.

I hope this is helpful. Thanks for reading and responding to my thread. I’m steeling myself to “come out” to my friends.

I sincerely wish you all the best OP and hope everything works out for you ❤️

I can’t donate, I was screened for DH but my own function is below living donor standard, although not considered low or of concern in itself. DH already received from a sibling many years ago. His other sibling was recovering from heart attack so couldn’t. His child of child bearing age was screened out. We had 3 offers from friends. One discovered an underlying illness that required treatment whilst undergoing screening, one found out his own daughter had PKD and decided to wait incase she needed it. And the last one sadly committed suicide before the process was started to screen him.

DH was offered kidney otherwise unsuitable and he accepted this. Effectively kidney from Hep + person. He was offered one but it was found to be below standard once it was removed. His next offer was from someone who died unexpectedly at the same age DH is. A better match could not have been found. He spent 3 years waiting but 18 months of that he was off list recovering from various heart issues at different times. The transplant team were overwhelmingly positive that he would not wait more than a year and that the change of donation policy was making a difference. In the end he was active on the list for 8 months when he got the call.

I’m the opposite - friends yes, family no.

Typically someone who needs a transplanted kidney will keep their own kidneys and the extra one is added in. It isn't actually transplanted into where your current kidneys are, but much further down your body closer to the bladder. So most people are only put on the transplant list because their total kidney function has got so low, not just because one kidney is failing.

Cancer is one of the situations where they would actually remove the recipient's kidney(s), but if the remaining kidney has enough function then there is no need for them to receive another.

Yes for one of my 3 best female friends wh ohave stuck by me through thick and thin. I would not do it for the rest of my good friends as they have not always been 100 percent.

DH was never told the outcome of those who started screening and did not complete. He only knows because those individuals told him themselves.

He received offers because he was honest and open about his situation to everyone from family to acquaintances. He never asked. All offers were willingly made. He carried cards with the living donor co-ordinator’s contact details and handed to anyone that expressed interest and told them “don’t tell me, contact this person and discuss. You don’t ever have to tell me”. Also I was not a match. If I hadn’t fallen at the final hurdle my kidney would have been part of a three way swap with someone else who’s living donor was not a match.

I probably wouldn't as I am a carer and I just can't be out of action for a day let alone for potentially weeks, but I would absolutely expect, and respect, you for being open on your social medias which is so absolutely important.

If it weren't for my specific circumstances regarding my caring role, I would do this for close friends and some family in a heartbeat

Glad that you have decided to try to open up about it to those around you, OP. And whatever you do, YANBU - I'm totally struck by how measured and reasonable your comments/replies have been on this thread. Wishing you all the best in reaching better health.

My guess is I probably wouldn’t want to donate, but I wouldn’t fault anyone for asking.

@Poshjock thank you for sharing your (dh’s) story. Good luck to you both.

What a time you all had! I hope he's OK now?

My transplant team included a surgeon who had recently worked in the UK, and he also said that the change of donation policy there has significantly shortened the length of the waiting list. I'm hopeful this means my relative there will receive a kidney soon.

Thank you for the explanation, that's very interesting. I guess I always thought they took out the old ones and put in the donated one. Apparently my nephews remaining kidney will eventually be able to do 75% of the work of two. Which is amazing really

Only for my children, and possibly my younger child-free sister.

I'd only donate to a sibling, my child, niece, nephew, or future grandchild. Maybe my cousin who I am close to and who has older parents and no siblings. Not someone unrelated.