AIBU to ask - would you donate a kidney as a live donor?

[TransplantRequired]

I have name changed, but been around a while.

I have recently been told my kidneys are failing, and I need a transplant or dialysis. The consultant and nurse are strongly encouraging me to find a living donor, because for various reasons dialysis is not a long term prospect of success for me, and the deceased donor list could take 3 to 5 years on average.

I do not have any siblings, or close family. My parents and their siblings all dead, and I am not in contact with any cousins, nieces etc. So, the only thing would be to approach my friends. I’m not one for discussing my health, so none of my friends know I have anything wrong with me. Any request would come completely out of the blue.

I am not comfortable broaching this with them, and I wouldn’t expect any of them to do it. But the consultant and nurse were astonished by me saying this, and really don’t accept that I don’t know anyone I feel close enough to to approach.

So, if one of your friends (not family, I think that’s different) needed a kidney, and you were in good health, and a match, would you offer?

YABU - Of course I would, it’s what friends are for!
YANBU - No, that’s too much to ask a friend to do.

Of course I would donate a kidney to my husband, daughter, or my Mum when she was younger. I would probably donate one to my two closest friends but it would have to depend on the state of my health at the time.

I’m surprised by those who would turn down their ill parent because they’re saving their kidney for their children.

What if you were a match for your parent but not for your children? Would you still say no?

Thank you to everyone who has commented here since my last message. I am reading all your replies with interest. I hope at least that my thread has got you thinking about something which is so important, but can get lost in the day to day busyness of life. Maybe have a discussion with your family about it if you’re comfortable with that. You never know when it might affect you or a loved one, and so much better to have thought it through calmly, than when emotions are high. Best wishes to you all, and thanks for a very reasoned and kind thread by AIBU standards!

My parents would absolutely 100% refuse to accept a kidney from me.

I would also refuse a donation from my own children. In fact I would refuse from anyone.

@Cattenberg the chances of a successful transplant lessen with age. I know this because we were told my parent (late 50s) would not be eligible to receive liver or kidney due to age/pre-existing conditions. Thought likely they wouldn’t make it off the operating table.

With a child/young adult they have a better chance.

Surely it depends on the age of the parent too? a 40 something giving their 80 something parent a kidney for a couple extra years life and risk of long term health issues for themselves might not be a good idea. I'm 39 my mum is 60 so I'd most likely be willing.

Also somebody asked, if I wasn’t a match for my children would I donate to anyone else - no, because my health is crap, I need to be around for my kids and I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardise my overall health unless it was to save my own child’s life/or to save them from pain…

Would I take a kidney from someone else - never my children, possibly someone else if I was still at the age when kids under 25 and needed me…

All motivated by need to protect kids health and being around for them really.

I'm honestly not sure op, I think it would depend on the friend an how close we were but I'd think nothing of someone asking me. I'd ask the question if I were you and let them make the decision for themselves. Its a big ask and a big deal for both of you but by not asking you're making the decision for them without giving them the chance to decide. There's a lot of factors that go into it, like their prior health. I'm not as healthy as I could be and have some issues which is partly why I'm cautious and I'd probably have cared slightly less about my longevity before I had ds. So I think it really depends on the individual and their circumstances.

To be clear, I'm not 'saving my kidney for my children' - that's silly, they are thankfully extremely unlikely to need it. I wouldn't donate to anyone other than them, because I wouldn't do anything to risk their only parent being unwell or dead and unable to care for them or work to support them. If my DC had another parent, or were fully independent, I might consider making a different decision.