AIBU to ask - would you donate a kidney as a live donor?

[TransplantRequired]

I have name changed, but been around a while.

I have recently been told my kidneys are failing, and I need a transplant or dialysis. The consultant and nurse are strongly encouraging me to find a living donor, because for various reasons dialysis is not a long term prospect of success for me, and the deceased donor list could take 3 to 5 years on average.

I do not have any siblings, or close family. My parents and their siblings all dead, and I am not in contact with any cousins, nieces etc. So, the only thing would be to approach my friends. I’m not one for discussing my health, so none of my friends know I have anything wrong with me. Any request would come completely out of the blue.

I am not comfortable broaching this with them, and I wouldn’t expect any of them to do it. But the consultant and nurse were astonished by me saying this, and really don’t accept that I don’t know anyone I feel close enough to to approach.

So, if one of your friends (not family, I think that’s different) needed a kidney, and you were in good health, and a match, would you offer?

YABU - Of course I would, it’s what friends are for!
YANBU - No, that’s too much to ask a friend to do.

Unfortunately no, because the possibility of being able to give one to my children, if the need arose , is not something I'd choose to relinquish.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, OP. But I'm afraid I would only do this for my wife, daughter, or nieces and nephew.

I would - I am currently saving my 'spare' kidney for my sister, two of them are going to need a transplant sooner or later so if I am a close enough match who ever needs it first gets it. Seeing what they go through, I would absolutely donate to a friend if I had another spare.

My honest answer is I don't know.

For parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, partner - 100% yes

I don't have children so I guess that makes it a lot easier to contemplate than anyone who is a parent.

I would need to give it a lot of thought.

I would want to know the risks.

The potential implications on my existing health conditions (neither are major but annoying)

The recovery period.

My health insurance cover.

How it would be dealt with by my job - illness pay etc.

The liklihood of it being a success (sorry but that would be a factor & it would at least need to be a 50% chance minimium)

I really don't know but I would like to for certain friends if that makes sense.

I think I would have to explore it more but couldn't guarantee that I would definitely go ahead with the benefit of all the information.

I've had a donor card since I was a teenager & have it on my driver's license etc. but never considered the living donor until now.

I hope it works out for you.

I absolutely would for my close friends. Could you let them know about your health and see if they offer? I'm sorry you're going through this x

I would only donate to one of my children honestly. If it were anything that would grow back I'd do it even if it hurt, but anything else no, sadly I wouldn't. I also can't imagine asking anyone to donate one to me. I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

I had planned to but discovered instead my kidneys are working well below capacity for an unknown reason! Trying to keep them healthy now but a diagnosis of CKD is likely as time passes 😨.

Close friends and family absolutely. Hope you get one soon x

I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope having found out allows you to improve your outlook in some way, and enjoy as much time as you can before you need dialysis.

No, I wouldn't.
I have to put my health above any friends for the sake of my children.
If I was you, I wouldn't actually ask a friend to do this. BUT I would explain the issue to them and if they want to offer, that's up to them.
Good luck.

I'm sorry you're facing this OP. It's a very difficult situation but it's such a huge ask that I understand why you're not comfortable to ask your friends.

Personally, I would only be a living donor for one of my children. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I donated to a friend and then one of my DC needed a kidney that I'd already donated.

However, those are only my thoughts as someone who's never been in the situation of putting that to the test. Other people feel very differently and because it's such a big thing and the screening checks are so thorough, there's next to no chance of someone agreeing when they don't want to. There's no harm in asking, as long as you don't pressurise anyone.

I don't think I would. I would feel it was unfair to my family. There could be side effects. My remaining kidney may not work well in the future and I would have given away my back up which could end up with leaving my children without a healthy mother. But the main issue would be whether a family member may need a kidney in the future and I would already have given mine away. We have lost a family member, on my DH's side, to kidney failure which effected them from a young age so there is a higher than average chance of my DH or children needing one. Having said that, if one of my old friends was standing in front of me, actually needing a kidney, I may feel very differently.

@TransplantRequired I'm sorry to hear you're going through this, my dad also went through this fairly recently.
My sister and I both offered our dad a kidney but he refused in case we ever got sick and needed it, he's mid 70's.
Based on my dad's experience I would absolutely offer to close family again but I would be reluctant to offer to a friend because of the possible health repercussions that my own family would then need to deal with.
My dad's journey was this:
He was on dialysis for approx 18 months, he had issues with overnight dialysis not working well so needed it several times a day, in the bright side he still went on holiday as the hospital provided all the kit he needed to take.
His kidney function didn't improve and eventually worsened and he was put on a donor list, it took about a year, with one false start before he had a donor. (We fully understood what this meant to another family elsewhere and my dad did struggle with this mentally).
He had health issues associated with receiving a kidney although not rejection itself and now, a year on you would never know how ill he'd been, mentally and physically he's back to his usual self.
We're very grateful to donor and for the care he received.

I agree (especially with your second point).
OP, even if it’s hard, please do try to open up to your friends about your health struggles. Even if they can’t/don’t offer you their kidney, they may well still offer you other physical help (like taking you to appointments, doing shopping for you etc.) and they might offer emotional support for what you’re going through. Please reach out to them if you can - I would hate to think of my friend suffering in silence with anything like this.
I am estranged from most of my family so would actually be much more likely to donate to a friend than family. That said, I would probably only consider donating to my best friends or one family member I am very close to. However for health reasons, there’s quite a chance I’d be rejected as a donor anyway.
Wishing you every success in your search for a kidney 🤞🍀

@TransplantRequired

I would do it for anyone that need one family/friends/strangers

I actually did volunteer to be a living altruistic donor a couple of years ago for liver or kidney but they wanted me to to travel waay up north for the blood tests etc as apparently they did stop do it down here. As I live in the south east and struggle to trave, independently I could no do it

did seem crazy to me at the time though that I was under 40 keep my own self really fit do loads of exercise etc that they did no bite my hand off to accept me a living donor

Should maybe add that I have no kids or any responsibilities other then my own self really
I was motivated to do this by my little sister dying from cancer when she should no have. It was the liver that got her. I did no want no one else to go through what we did so was prepared to offer half my liver to anyone especially a child or something

I have offered for close family (refused to even contemplate taking me up on it, thankfully wasn’t necessary in the end). I wouldn’t again unless it was one of the dcs.

I’d be too worried my children would need it at some point in the future I’m afraid.

I absolutely would, for any of my friends. I've worked with patients on dialysis ( many years ago now) so would donate in a heartbeat if I was found to be a match. 💐

Thank you for sharing, I wish your dad and the rest of you good health in the future.

Id only do this for my children and nephew.

For my closest friend then yes I would.

If I was confident in my own health and reassured about the risk to me (which I understand for a healthy person is very low, which is why the medics are can appear quite blase in suggesting it. They know its not as big a deal for the donor as it sounds) then i would need to weigh up whether my desire to help my friend outweighed the pain and inconvenience to myself. I have one friend I would do this for, as I'd rather take the pain myself than watch her suffer. But I've known her 50 years and she's my sister in all but blood. All you can do OP is tell your friends what's been said and see if they offer.

My husband, my kids, my siblings or parents, yes.

Anyone else no.

Absolutely not.

If I was healthy enough to do this and it would save someone's life then I would. We have had a similar situation in the family. Dad gave his kidney to his younger son as younger son has been told it will only last about 20 years and the plan is that older brother will then give his kidney when needed in 20 years time. Everyone is happy with this arrangement, of course, something could happen to older brother to prevent him from donating in 20 years but that is the plan. We all stepped forward to donate and I like to think I'd do it for a friend or even a stranger too. Just ask your friends, you might be surprised at the answer. You've nothing to lose.