AIBU to ask - would you donate a kidney as a live donor?

[TransplantRequired]

I have name changed, but been around a while.

I have recently been told my kidneys are failing, and I need a transplant or dialysis. The consultant and nurse are strongly encouraging me to find a living donor, because for various reasons dialysis is not a long term prospect of success for me, and the deceased donor list could take 3 to 5 years on average.

I do not have any siblings, or close family. My parents and their siblings all dead, and I am not in contact with any cousins, nieces etc. So, the only thing would be to approach my friends. I’m not one for discussing my health, so none of my friends know I have anything wrong with me. Any request would come completely out of the blue.

I am not comfortable broaching this with them, and I wouldn’t expect any of them to do it. But the consultant and nurse were astonished by me saying this, and really don’t accept that I don’t know anyone I feel close enough to to approach.

So, if one of your friends (not family, I think that’s different) needed a kidney, and you were in good health, and a match, would you offer?

YABU - Of course I would, it’s what friends are for!
YANBU - No, that’s too much to ask a friend to do.

I would live donate anything I can make more of. I'm on all the blood registers and shit. But you can only donate a kidney once. So that's for my kids. Or my DP becuase I need him to help raise the kids.

I wouldn't, just in case my children needed one!
Sorry you are going through this op.

Yes. I was a bone marrow match in my 30s. I’m probably too old and knackered now to be useful but never drunk or smoked so some bits might be ok. 🤷‍♀️

Im sorry you’re going through this OP but think about talking to friends in a ‘ I’ve got this condition and drs say I’ll need a kidney transplant soon’ way. I hope it works out for you.

I only have one functioning kidney so I would never be able to but yes if I had 2 kidneys I would donate to a close friend. I’ve lived a healthy life with only one kidney so I know it’s not a problem and I’m always puzzled when people say they’re saving theirs for their children. The likelihood of their children needing it is tiny so why save it for someone not likely to need it when there is someone you love sat in front of you needing it right now! I hope you get what you need OP - I would definitely open up some debate with friends to gauge their opinions.

Now that I know I am not too old (according to a previous poster), I would do it for my sons or grandchildren.

Wouldn't do it for a friend - sorry. I would like to stay as healthy as possible in my later years for myself and my family. I just wouldn't want to take the risk.

To my child and my brother only. Not my parents, partner or friends. To be very honest, I'd be astonished if a friend even asked. Not offended or affronted or anything like that, but just surprised. As it's too big an ask, to gift a body part. It's just my opinion, of course.

I would give a kidney to a family member.

For anyone else, I would give the kidney for a certain amount of money. I have a few big things to pay, and would certainly give a kidney in exchange if someone would be willing to settle them for me.

This is illegal in the UK

Not the point, though, is it? She asked. I gave an honest reply.

If you were my friend, I would probably hold out while you looked healthy and hope you got a deceased donor one. However, if you were in hospital and it looked critical, I'd come forward.

I would feel so guilty if a friend died and I could have stopped it. I have a close relative who lost a friend to suicide, so I've seen how awful the "if only I'd.." can be, worse than the low risks associated with donation, imo. I wouldn't judge other people for not coming forward though, it's a hard thing.

Yes. I was trying to get fit in preparation for altruistic donation when I met my husband. I was married and pregnant within 6 months so couldn't donate. But even in that intervening period I offered to be tested for a friend of a friend.

Once my children are a little older, I plan to be tested for donating to my BIL. The kidney my husband gave him has stopped working.

I can see why you'd feel awkward asking people one by one, although I'd have to say I would hate to think one of my friends was in the position and felt unable to say.

Maybe a safe way in is to see if your work would let you bring in cakes one day and do a 10 minute talk to raise awareness about the condition and about living donations? And you could share with your friends that you're doing that.

Or even just put a post on SM saying that if anyone had been considering donating a kidney and would consider being tested for a match to you, you'd be forever grateful.

By the way, if anyone wants to help a specific person but isn't a match for them, they're added to a register.

If they are a match for someone else, and that person's friend is a match for the first person's friend, a swap can happen. Even if it ends up being a giant circle of many donors and recipients.

Fortunately 1000 people have donated a kidney to a stranger. This is the only hope some of us have.
Meanwhile my goal in life is to survive long enough to see my SN child through education with a firm plan in place for the next stage of their life, as there's a real possibility I won't be here to see them through that.

Assuming I didn't have family members with issues likely to need to them needing it, and depending on what restrictions it would place on me (diet etc, I don't drink alcohol so that would be fine but I don't know if general diet is affected) then I would.

I'm not good at sticking to changes or stopping things I already know are bad for me so I wouldn't agree to it knowing I was likely to make myself seriously ill after because I can't follow the rules of living with one! But yea I would, I've started filling in donor forms for strangers trying to find organs before finding out they don't want me because I smoke etc

Immediate family and one friend (from aged 9) of over 40 year standing. Not for anyone else I’m afraid.

I would for a close friend

I was in a similar position a while back.

My mother needed a kidney.
I wouldn't donate; wouldn't even be tested - I would only donate to my children.

My mother then went around asking friends and even saying she would pay them.

I'd only donate to my husband or children. If I didn't have them I would donate to a very good friend or one of their family members.

Such an unimaginably emotional situation for you, OP. I really hope you’re able to get a kidney and live the life you deserve. 💐
My health problems would forbid it but I would donate to my best friend who is basically a sister to me. I have some other very close friends and I’d consider it but seems unlikely. For my best friend, it would be a yes.

@TransplantRequired sorry to hear what you're going through.

I was fortunate enough to have a transplant c. 20'years ago from a relative (trying not to be outing). If you have any questions or would like to chat please let me know.

I've had an amazingly positive experience, I know I've been luckier than most but sometimes it's nice to hear the success stories.

As a transplant recipient I would say that I think it's something that people should offer rather than you approaching to ask. It sucks you don't have any close family around but maybe open up to your friends more and share what you're going through. Even if they don't come forward and offer it would be good for you to chat about it

I don't really have any friends anymore to be fair 😬🤔
I would for my daughter, without hesitation but I'm not sure I would for anyone else.

I wish you luck though OP. I don't see the harm in you asking!

Depends which friend - for my closest friend who is more like a sister, yes, without hesitation. For any other friend, I don't think I'd expose myself to those risks, at least not while my children are young. That said, several years ago one of my colleagues donated a kidney to another colleague, and as far as I know, they weren't much more than acquaintances. Some people really are that amazingly selfless, so you've nothing to lose by putting it out there in a general way.

Wanting to "save" a kidney in case my children needed it in future wouldn't be a consideration - what are the odds that two unrelated people close to me would need a kidney transplant in my lifetime? Low enough not to worry about, for me.

Only for my children, it feels dreadfully selfish to say but I can't comprehend doing it for anyone other than them

How did your mother react? Not sure how I'd feel about donating to my mother. I probably would as she's only 60. Wouldn't hesitate for my DH and DS though

No, I would not. It is not a minor thing to go through.