AIBU to ask - would you donate a kidney as a live donor?

[TransplantRequired]

I have name changed, but been around a while.

I have recently been told my kidneys are failing, and I need a transplant or dialysis. The consultant and nurse are strongly encouraging me to find a living donor, because for various reasons dialysis is not a long term prospect of success for me, and the deceased donor list could take 3 to 5 years on average.

I do not have any siblings, or close family. My parents and their siblings all dead, and I am not in contact with any cousins, nieces etc. So, the only thing would be to approach my friends. I’m not one for discussing my health, so none of my friends know I have anything wrong with me. Any request would come completely out of the blue.

I am not comfortable broaching this with them, and I wouldn’t expect any of them to do it. But the consultant and nurse were astonished by me saying this, and really don’t accept that I don’t know anyone I feel close enough to to approach.

So, if one of your friends (not family, I think that’s different) needed a kidney, and you were in good health, and a match, would you offer?

YABU - Of course I would, it’s what friends are for!
YANBU - No, that’s too much to ask a friend to do.

I would for a best friend.

I would for my husband. No one else.

No, I wouldn't. I'd only ever donate a kidney to my son, my partner or my siblings.

I would.

I don’t need it. It’s unlikely anyone I know would need it. I don’t see the point of “saving” for my kids, should they ever need one I’ll probably be too old, or dead. Or I may not be a match. Better to give now while I can.

for those who would only give to your kids- if you could be tested and shown you weren’t a match, so couldn’t donate to your kids regardless, would that alter your decision?

my mum has 3 kidneys, she’ll be ok 😂

My husband has a living donor kidney transplant, from a friend...so I may be biased as I have seen first hand how life changing it is compared to the limits of life on dialysis.

I would do it in a heartbeat and donors have to pass so many health checks to be allowed to donate a kidney meaning it is actually low risk and donors live longer than average.

Feel very fortunate that my husband had more than one friend who offered to donate.

I absolutely would and have. I donated a kidney 2 years ago to my mother but would have done the same for a friend in need. Giving someone the chance to get their life back is not something I’d shy away from. I understood the impacts on me. Now I have a daughter I do think, what if she needs it but at the same time, watching my mother hold her is amazing as she wouldn’t be here today without that kidney……

@bradpittsbathwater

My mother is was younger than yours - trying not to out myself incase she's here - she was mid 40s when she needed it

She wasn't happy. It was seen as less of a choice and more of my duty and her right to have it

I’m very sorry about your kidneys failing. I might for a couple of my friends if the alternative was attending their funeral, but it would be something I’d need to think very long and hard about. I would do it for my daughter without hesitation.

I couldn't even say I'd do it for my child tbh. Easy to say in theory but in practice a very different decision.

For my child, I'd give it very serious consideration should the situation arise. For a friend? Absolutely not, it would be a straight no.

It would depend who it was. My brother's only child, she's six, yes. My brother himself, no. Because my children need me healthy and he has a wife to look after his child. If I didn't have young kids I might do it for my brother though .

I would consider it but would obviously need to research the health implications thoroughly.

I'm sorry for your situation. I have worked with renal patients and it's a hard, hard road. I would never donate however except to my kids. It's a huge ask.
I hope you match quickly on the deceased donor list, it may happen for you.

@TransplantRequired Hi OP I am someone with kidney failure.

I am really sorry you are going through this.
transplant is not the only option although it is the best. you can have diyalysis and patients live for many years on dialysis. you will also go on the transplant list. and depending on the rarity of your blood/tissue type you will probably get a transplant in a few years.
depending on why your kidneys are failing, steps could potentially be taken to slow down the deterioration of kidney function. are you in a low clearance clinic?

I would only definitely do this for my children or their children if they have them in the future so my grandchildren. Possibly if absolutely desperate and no one else willing then I would do it for my sisters.

I wouldn't consider it for any of my friends or anyone else.

There are 100 non-directed altruistic donations a year in the UK these days, i.e. people donating to complete strangers. Their donations often mean more transplants can go ahead. So Joe donates without knowing anyone in need, his kidney goes to Colin, Colin's daughter who didn't match Colin donates to Jane, Jane's husband donated to Peter.

So about 1 in 50 people on the waiting list get a kidney donated from a stranger, and more get kidneys with donations triggered by this first donation.

There's a really interesting set of case studies of these altruistic donors as they are called, here: https://www.giveakidney.org/category/personal-stories/donating/

Obviously more people again give to friends and acquaintances. So it's not that unusual to donate outside family.

my mum was on dialysis for years and wouldn't even entertain a conversation about a kidney donation from my siblings or me. So we never had to think about it seriously, guess I'll never really know what I would have done.

I was tested for bone marrow for a sibling as that was a no brainer.

Pre having a child I would have definitely said yes for a friend, now I've got a little boy to think about I'm not sure what I would do, he's only a baby so needs me in good health for quite some time.

Yes, I would. I've just had someone very dear to me die of end-stage kidney failure. It was awful to witness. If I could have helped him, I would have.

I may need to donate bone marrow to a relative soon. I have absolutely no qualms about that although it could make me ill.

Nope nope nope. Not even my number 1 all time best friend. Would only do that for my sibling or my child.

Donating bone marrow won't make you ill. If you donate stem cells it'll mean a few days of GCSF injections and 1 or possibly 2 days with a cannula in each arm. If you donate marrow it'll be a short surgery - not even surgery really just a really big needle under anaesthetic- and feeling like you've been kicked really hard in the hip for a few days afterwards. It's extremely safe, children donate for their siblings, please don't worry it'll make you unwell.

OP I hope you get the treatment you need.

Edited for autocarrot.

Children or grandchildren, yes. Nobody else - not parents, spouse or friends. No way.

I'd feel very awkward saying no if a friend asked me, but I'd have to save it for my daughter.
I don't feel close enough to any friends to do for them. Obviously that goes both ways.
Sorry you are going through this x

I would be more inclined to donate to a stranger, definitely a child than I would any family or friends (excluding my own children - I would give them anything and everything)
For family and friends though i think it would change the dynamic too much, and could cause a bitter outcome or resentment

I do think that saying that you'd donate to your children but not your spouse is a bit odd. Assuming your spouse is your children's parent, then surely even if you only care about your children's wellbeing, saving them from very probable bereavement is more important than the tiny probability that they'd need the kidney that you're "saving for them".

Last year in the UK 430 people died on the transplant waiting list.

Oddly enough although I've already said I would for a close friend, and I definitely would for my husband or children, I don't know if I would for a parent. I suspect they wouldn't accept it (and I don't think I'd accept one from my kids). But that's coloured by seeing one of my grandparents have a very lingering, very ill old age. The two who died fairly suddenly had a much better deal. I'd think about it for a parent, but it would certainly be a less clear cut decision.