AIBU to ask - would you donate a kidney as a live donor?

[TransplantRequired]

I have name changed, but been around a while.

I have recently been told my kidneys are failing, and I need a transplant or dialysis. The consultant and nurse are strongly encouraging me to find a living donor, because for various reasons dialysis is not a long term prospect of success for me, and the deceased donor list could take 3 to 5 years on average.

I do not have any siblings, or close family. My parents and their siblings all dead, and I am not in contact with any cousins, nieces etc. So, the only thing would be to approach my friends. I’m not one for discussing my health, so none of my friends know I have anything wrong with me. Any request would come completely out of the blue.

I am not comfortable broaching this with them, and I wouldn’t expect any of them to do it. But the consultant and nurse were astonished by me saying this, and really don’t accept that I don’t know anyone I feel close enough to to approach.

So, if one of your friends (not family, I think that’s different) needed a kidney, and you were in good health, and a match, would you offer?

YABU - Of course I would, it’s what friends are for!
YANBU - No, that’s too much to ask a friend to do.

I wouldn’t be able to, I’ve had kidney problems on the past which led to scarring on one of them. I was pretty ill at the time. But I don’t think I would.

I know of a live donor, my friend donated a kidney to his daughter. He’s 80. She was so ill before it but the difference it made to her is amazing.
A cousin was an organ donor, someone is alive now because of her, someone can see because of her.
I also know some who has no kidneys, bladder or prostrate due to cancer, he has dialysis three times a week and up until a year ago lef as full a life as possible, holidays abroad, with pre arranged dialysis sessions in whichever country he was in. He’s slowed down a bit now due to other another medical condition but he’s doing well.

@fungibletoken thank you. I’m very grateful for the honest and helpful replies I’ve received, AIBU can be a scary place, but I’ve had the good ones on this thread!

My first job after graduating worked on these and I saw one of the first ever ones performed in the UK, after the Human Tissue Act made it legal

I have no friends to ask me for one and none to ask for one for myself.

I’d do it for an immediate family member but what if you give to one then someone else needs one? I have more than one family member who have conditions meaning kidneys could go downhill …

I wouldn't give one to a friend but I also wouldn't ask a friend for their kidney either, I think it would put awful pressure on a person. I'd feel terrible having to say no to someone , it's very odd of the hospital to suggest that you ask friends for a kidney like you'd ask to borrow a pen.
I'm sorry you are in this position and I hope a solution is found for you op.

No. I would inky do it for my children, partner, siblings and mother. Not even nieces nephews etc

Only for my children.

I sincerely hope that you can receive the kidney you need @TransplantRequired

How likely is it that a friend would be a match though? Surely the idea of asking family members is that being genetically similar makes a match more likely. And no I wouldn't do this for anyone other than close family.

Absolutely not. The only person who would get an organ out of me would be my son.

My dd's friend's mum recently posted online asking the same. I'm not friends with her but it made me think. As much as I wanted to consider it, the thought that I may not be able to do it for my kids if they ever needed it was enough. I think your medical team are being very naive but I hope and pray that you find a donor soon. Massive hugs to you.

For my kid - in a heartbeat! For my sister or my niece or nephew - probably. For my partner - maybe. For anyone else, no. Although I don't really have any close friends.

Only for one of my children. I’d do that in a heartbeat.

I wouldn’t put myself through surgery for anyone but them due to the potential for surgery to take me away from them.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation, OP. 💐

I would do it for one of my children, or for my husband if I were a good match for him.

I'm not sure I would do it for anyone else, because if I died as a result I would be leaving my children without their mother. So to me it makes sense that if my children are my priority, I would only do it to save one of their lives, or to save the life of their other parent in the hope that we both survived.

But thankfully I've never been asked, so I don't know for sure what I would do in that situation.

I really hope you find a donor.

And I am really sorry you are going through this OP. Life deals some cruel blows.

There are only a small number of people I would do this for, including two friends - these friends are chosen family and are absolutely close enough to warrant this. All of the people I would consider doing this for would be close enough that they would know I was poorly though.

Thanks for reminder. Giving blood for me is ridiculously complicated as both Dh and I were born in another country so they insist that he has to come with me. I do want to do it, and platelets, though.

OP - like many others, I'm not sure about friends. I think there would be variables there which would basically be judgement calls. Which frankly, isn't very fair, but there you go. For example, a close friend with young children I might consider it for. Having said that, i can think of two very very close friends who, in this situation, I might offer but it certainly wouldn't be automatic.

Also, and this is tricky for practical and moral reasons, I think I'd be very very unhappy if I was asked. Which means I'd have to be completely self motivated to make the offer.

I am sorry you are suffering.

Husband only.

And this 👆

How many more people are going to ignore the actual question? OP already said she wasn't asking if you'd do it for family so practically every reply is I'd only for my children. Duh!

It would depend on the friendship. A close long term friend I'd shared life's ups and downs with perhaps. An acquaintance maybe not.

Um - surely this isn't hard to understand?
Q: "Would you offer for a friend"
A: "I would only offer to donate for a family member" IS answering the question ie NO, I would not donate to a friend.

You've got nothing to lose by mentioning your health struggles to friends. I would just tell them your situation and what you need rather than actually asking them if they would consider giving you a kidney. That way you've given them the information and if it's something they'd consider doing they can ask you about it and look into it.
They will likely need time to research it and discuss it with their own family if it's something they may be willing to do. They can then contact you if they wish to take it further and start the process of seeing if they're a match.
I wish you all the best and hope you get a new kidney in the near future whether it be from a friend or not.

I would for my closest friends.

I hope you're able to find someone OP.

Before I had my kids / if I didn’t have kids…. Yes.

now I have kids, I’m afraid not. They may need it at some point.

a girl I work with needed one and before I had my kids I was considering being checked to see if I was a match. But then I fell pregnant and didn’t take it further. Thankfully she’s had a successful transplant now.

I received a kidney from a family member. I didn't ask anyone else but a couple of friends came and offered me a kidney. It was incredibly moving, and although I obviously didn't take them up on the offer, I will never ever forget it. Anything those incredible people need from me, they have it.

You will get sorted, are you on the deceased list? They often take the same amount of time. I'm thinking of you x