AIBU to ask - would you donate a kidney as a live donor?

[TransplantRequired]

I have name changed, but been around a while.

I have recently been told my kidneys are failing, and I need a transplant or dialysis. The consultant and nurse are strongly encouraging me to find a living donor, because for various reasons dialysis is not a long term prospect of success for me, and the deceased donor list could take 3 to 5 years on average.

I do not have any siblings, or close family. My parents and their siblings all dead, and I am not in contact with any cousins, nieces etc. So, the only thing would be to approach my friends. I’m not one for discussing my health, so none of my friends know I have anything wrong with me. Any request would come completely out of the blue.

I am not comfortable broaching this with them, and I wouldn’t expect any of them to do it. But the consultant and nurse were astonished by me saying this, and really don’t accept that I don’t know anyone I feel close enough to to approach.

So, if one of your friends (not family, I think that’s different) needed a kidney, and you were in good health, and a match, would you offer?

YABU - Of course I would, it’s what friends are for!
YANBU - No, that’s too much to ask a friend to do.

I can think of maybe 3 people that I would. That said, I don't think any of them would actually ask, or accept.
It's a very tricky situation for someone who isn't family or as close as family.

In theory I would like to, but I have 2 children, what if they needed it?

I would give my kidney to my mum, dad, husband, brother, children and my one best friend. I wouldn't give it to someone else.

I wouldn’t, I’m sorry. I only have 2 kidneys and I’d want to be able to give one to my children if they ever needed it. Bone marrow, blood donation, absolutely. But not a kidney.

Apparently the upper age limit (here, anyway) is 75 if in good health!

I'd donate to my sister or children immediately but I'm sorry that I wouldn't/couldn't do this for a friend.

My daughter recently offered to be tested to be a living donor for me. I flatly refused her generous offer. It worries me that she might develop CKD herself putting her remaining kidney under undue pressure. For now, I wait.

I wouldn’t because I have too many health issues already - if I didn’t then I’d consider it.

I wish I was allowed to donate blood or something- but as I’ve received blood that saved my life I’m not allowed. Will forever campaign and encourage others to do so though as I wouldn’t be here without blood donations.

For my 2 closest friends without a doubt and my sons. I don’t have any blood family though so they are my family

I think I would. I think I’d do it for a stranger truthfully, but I guess nobody can really say unless they were in that position

People I would risk my life for. Son, grandson, husband. Probably DIL and my brother too.

My dad would never dream of accepting, and my mum is dead.

I'd be in a similar position to you in such circumstances.

For a friend, yes, I would. In fact I'd offer before they asked if I was aware of their need. I'm not sure what the chance of a tissue match is from a non-relative. I'd also do a similar thing for a stranger - I'm on one of the registers for bone marrow donation but I've never been called upon as a match with anyone.

Thinking about it now, I’m wondering if the unspoken subtext was that the chances of a deceased donor are minimal, so you’re going to have to “phone a friend” or its curtains. 🤔

This has given me food for thought. I have friends that I've known all my life and have often said I consider them family but this makes me realise that in reality I don't as I wouldn't give them a kidney. Actual family yes.

I am on lithium that is hard for the kidneys so wouldn't donate to friends. I would donate to my dc though.

Are you on any kind of social media (other than Mumsnet)? I think maybe one way of asking would be to do a general post on there, rather than individually 'target' friends. That way you're giving them the opportunity to offer, without putting them on the spot?

From a personal PoV, I'm very sorry but I don't think I would for a friend. I suspect only for my children.

I'd do it for my sister or her kids but that's it. Heck, my washing machine broke recently and some friends were cagey about offering to use theirs (as in they offered but clearly expected me to say no. I did handwashing instead), so I think a kidney wouldn't be offered to me anyway!

I’d definitely do it for my child, would probably do it for another relative and I wouldn’t rule out doing it for a close friend.

I saw a documentary in which a woman wanted to donate a kidney to her husband, but she wasn’t a match. In the end, they took part in a special scheme where the wife donated her kidney to a stranger and the stranger’s relative donated a kidney to her husband. It was a condition of the arrangement that all of the operations had to take place on the same day. Apparently, this scheme has also arranged more complicated three-way swaps.

MN seems to have a weird attitude to organ donation sometimes. I suggest you check out the National Kidney Federation or Kidney Care UK for redouble information about living donation (including how to ask and what to do if someone wants to donate but doesn’t match you) as well as support for yourself.

Absolutely not.

Only for my children. maybe (probably!) my husband. Maybe (probably) nieces/nephews

Not my parents, don't think I would for my sisters either

Maybe I would if my kids were older

This issue divided dh family a Few years back they now won’t talk to us as he refused to be tested to see if he could donate to a family member - we have dc with Sen and he needs to be in good health so he couldn’t do it and it split the family (he may not even have matched but the fact he didn’t get tested meant they went NC)

This is a tricky one. If I had no kidney problems, was in good health, and didn't have children then I'd donate to a close friend, yes.

I have three children though, so I wouldn't want to donate. Not to mention I've had many kidney infections in my life and my mother's kidney died inside her, so for me it's a bit too much of a risk.

I wouldn't do it for a friend but she d do it for my children or grandchildren. As you say it's a lot to ask.

I hope you get the care you need, its such a difficult time for you.

I’m sorry to hear that @Thefeedbackisnotok. I absolutely would not expect anyone to do this for me, as I would definitely be in the “only close family” group if it was the other way round.