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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask - would you donate a kidney as a live donor?

309 replies

TransplantRequired · 25/03/2024 10:38

I have name changed, but been around a while.

I have recently been told my kidneys are failing, and I need a transplant or dialysis. The consultant and nurse are strongly encouraging me to find a living donor, because for various reasons dialysis is not a long term prospect of success for me, and the deceased donor list could take 3 to 5 years on average.

I do not have any siblings, or close family. My parents and their siblings all dead, and I am not in contact with any cousins, nieces etc. So, the only thing would be to approach my friends. I’m not one for discussing my health, so none of my friends know I have anything wrong with me. Any request would come completely out of the blue.

I am not comfortable broaching this with them, and I wouldn’t expect any of them to do it. But the consultant and nurse were astonished by me saying this, and really don’t accept that I don’t know anyone I feel close enough to to approach.

So, if one of your friends (not family, I think that’s different) needed a kidney, and you were in good health, and a match, would you offer?

YABU - Of course I would, it’s what friends are for!
YANBU - No, that’s too much to ask a friend to do.

OP posts:
DianaTaverner · 25/03/2024 11:25

I'd consider it for my three closest friends (two of whom are the mothers of young children) but I'm the only breadwinner for my family, so it would be a difficult call to make. I've given gallons of blood, which is a no brainer, but this would be a difficult call to make.

I think it's worth asking though, if DH was working and in good health I'd probably do it.

Anothnamechang · 25/03/2024 11:25

I would, without hesitation. I was tested to see if I was a match for a colleagues partner. Unfortunately I wasn’t.

Forhecksake · 25/03/2024 11:27

For me, it's about the face. As soon as the person who needs help has a face, it all becomes real. I wouldn't be able to say no unless it was a serial killer or something.

queenofwobbles · 25/03/2024 11:28

I would but I am waiting for a transplant myself. I tend to see two groups, those who broadcast it everywhere and those who silently get on with it and wait their turn to be honest. Most transplants are deceased donor, we don’t all have someone waiting in the wings. You should come over to the crappy kidneys thread in general health we have all been or are going through this :-)

wishicouldtakeitaway · 25/03/2024 11:29

Of course I would I wouldn't need to think twice.

LobsterWeb · 25/03/2024 11:31

I donated a kidney so that a friend could receive one. The idea of watching him living a horrendous life on dialysis knowing I could have prevented it was what motivated me. I have zero regrets. The surgery is a similar level of risk to having a C section. I was very extensively tested beforehand to make sure I could live a healthy life with one kidney.

However I am in the US and we have more systems in place to enable you to donate if you don’t match your recipient, which made it easier. I have a family member in the UK who needs a kidney but who I do not match, and if the UK had the same systems in place I would have donated to him.

FastFood · 25/03/2024 11:32

I don't think so.
Not because I'm scared, but just in case one of my sisters needs it.

Purpletractor · 25/03/2024 11:35

Forhecksake · 25/03/2024 11:27

For me, it's about the face. As soon as the person who needs help has a face, it all becomes real. I wouldn't be able to say no unless it was a serial killer or something.

I think this sums it up. When I first read your post OP I thought ‘no, only to family’. But then I thought about my dear friend whose birthday we celebrated last week….,and if it was her, yes, and then I thought about other friends…..and the list grew.

BobbyBiscuits · 25/03/2024 11:36

If I was really healthy and physically capable I'd consider it. To be honest I'd rather donate to a stranger than feel I was doing it for a family member. If it failed I'd have to face them, if my health failed BC of it then the same.
I would give blood and plasma too but they rejected me as I'm the wrong weight.
When I pass I'd donate everything usable of course.
I really hope you find your donor.

MonsteraMama · 25/03/2024 11:37

I'd probably have to have a long think and discuss with my family, but yes, I think I'd do this for a very close friend.

I've made an effort in my life to foster and maintain some really close friendships, my "chosen family" so to speak, and I really do love those people like members of my own family.

For those friends, to save their life, yeah I think I would. Then we'd be kidney siblings.

Definitelylivedin · 25/03/2024 11:37

I would only do it for my DC. No one else.

loobylou44 · 25/03/2024 11:40

Not for a friend and I'd have to think really hard for family as well. My uncle donated one of his to my other uncle. The recipient has been great since but my uncle that donated has lots of health problems since the surgery and has had to retire on medical grounds since. He's on the waiting list for corrective surgery for a problem caused during the donation.

PietariKontio · 25/03/2024 11:44

I don't really have any friends tbh, but I'd probably do it for anyone if somehow I was tested and shown to be compatible. There are risks (see link) but that's true of most anything you do in life. May as well stop driving, or a host of other things that carry a risk, at least this helps someone
https://bmjopen.bmj.com/content/7/8/e016490

https://bmjopen.bmj.com/content/7/8/e016490

user1471517095 · 25/03/2024 11:48

For my DC or my identical Twin, but no-one else.

Tempnamechng · 25/03/2024 11:51

I hope you find a donor op. I don't have a strong friendship circle, I've always been just about my family really, so like many then I would donate for close family. If i had a close friend then I would consider them close family. Like many parents I have to be selfish, I know whilst they are in full time education my dc need me to be fit and well.

DimplesToadfoot · 25/03/2024 11:51

I would, for anyone bar 1 person, but I'm too fat to donate :-(

Redbrook · 25/03/2024 12:01

I donated a kidney for my husband via the kidney sharing scheme as I wasn't a match for him. I pretty sure the "chain" we were in started with an altruistic donor although I can't be certain. So people do exist who give a kidney without even knowing the recipient.

There is an nhs organisation which produces stats on how many transplants are undertaken and the numbers of true altruistic live donors are reported on there. I think it's about 200 a year.

carriedaway · 25/03/2024 12:03

I was a live kidney donor for a sibling. They didn’t actually ask anyone, just informed family and friends that they had reached the point of requiring a donation. Once I offered they shared the information booklet with me from the transplant team with no pressure to agree.

Luckily it all went smoothly but what was interesting was that several other people volunteered and they were not necessarily who you would have expected, i.e not the closest friends.

so my point is you don’t have to actually ask anyone, just sharing the information with the people in your life may be enough. Each person you tell will have a different decision making process and someone might surprise you.

Also just to add that due to health checks prior to donation and the annual follow ups, live donors usually have a better level of kidney health than other members of the population.

I wish you all the best for the months ahead.

Furrydogmum · 25/03/2024 12:03

I wouldn't, in case my family ever did need it..

Jimmyspiano · 25/03/2024 12:09

I know you will know this OP, but do many of the PP know how live organ donation works?

It is quite possible that your kidney will not go to your loved one. You offer your organ in exchange for your loved one getting the best match for them from all of the live organ donations on offer. I think it is called a domino donation.

Peanut91 · 25/03/2024 12:12

Immediate family yes. Anyone else no. However once I'm dead they can harvest every organ of mine

Redbrook · 25/03/2024 12:17

Jimmyspiano · 25/03/2024 12:09

I know you will know this OP, but do many of the PP know how live organ donation works?

It is quite possible that your kidney will not go to your loved one. You offer your organ in exchange for your loved one getting the best match for them from all of the live organ donations on offer. I think it is called a domino donation.

This isn’t true. If you have an acceptable match then you donate direct to your relative/friend.
If you do not have a match you can agree to donate via the uk kidney sharing scheme where they will try to find a suitable pair (or more) of donors/recipients. This is what happened with my husband and me - but the vast majority of live donations go the recipient known to the donor. The stats are all available on an annual report.

ShayOrChase · 25/03/2024 12:17

I’ve already posted on this thread with my response but because this is very outing I’ve name changed.

I have a relative who was a living donor and it’s completely ruined her health and her relationship with the person she donated to. The recipient is fine besides being left with terrible guilt but the donor has been left with major health issues including chronic pain. She’s had little support, follow up or after care. She’s found that she isn’t alone in her health issues or the lack of care from medical staff.

For this reason and others I’m disturbed by an increasing trend in the media to paint altruistic kidney donation as a quick and easy process with no consequences for the donor. It’s something that requires a great deal of thought no matter how close you are to the potential recipient. And yet I’ve lost count of how many stories I’ve read where possible consequences and the emotional toll for both parties is minimised. Likewise surrogacy but that’s another debate. I’m depressed to hear that medical staff are also being equally flippant about it. What a bizarre and unhelpful attitude your consultant and nurse have.

Good luck. I wish you well. I have another relative who is on dialysis and for various reasons isn’t a suitable candidate for a transplant of any kind and I’ve seen the toll that dialysis takes on people too.

Oreosareawful · 25/03/2024 12:19

Sorry OP, but I'm with the majority too. Immediate family only.

Rosecoffeecup · 25/03/2024 12:19

For my closest friends of 20+ years, yes. I don't have kids and I wouldn't want their young kids to lose a parent if I could help it.