AIBU to ask - would you donate a kidney as a live donor?

[TransplantRequired]

I have name changed, but been around a while.

I have recently been told my kidneys are failing, and I need a transplant or dialysis. The consultant and nurse are strongly encouraging me to find a living donor, because for various reasons dialysis is not a long term prospect of success for me, and the deceased donor list could take 3 to 5 years on average.

I do not have any siblings, or close family. My parents and their siblings all dead, and I am not in contact with any cousins, nieces etc. So, the only thing would be to approach my friends. I’m not one for discussing my health, so none of my friends know I have anything wrong with me. Any request would come completely out of the blue.

I am not comfortable broaching this with them, and I wouldn’t expect any of them to do it. But the consultant and nurse were astonished by me saying this, and really don’t accept that I don’t know anyone I feel close enough to to approach.

So, if one of your friends (not family, I think that’s different) needed a kidney, and you were in good health, and a match, would you offer?

YABU - Of course I would, it’s what friends are for!
YANBU - No, that’s too much to ask a friend to do.

The same for my husband. I was told that I do not need to be a match to him to donate a kidney. I suppose there would be a much higher chance of being a match and a donor's kidney going directly to their loved one if it was a blood relative.

Similar here. I’d known for years that at some point my friend would need a kidney, and he mentioned that he’d finally been put on the transplant list and I offered to donate. I then had more than a year of testing before they decided I was healthy enough.

He had other people offer too - I was the only one who turned out to be healthy enough to donate.

Those of you that wouldn't: do you give blood if you can ?

I'm astonished that your consultant and nurse are making you feel unusual for not having anyone who'd just relinquish a kidney for you. I can't think of anyone who'd do it for me - my sister has three kids so no, my mum is too old. I don't have kids myself, and my boyfriend has his own children - frankly he doesn't love me enough for that! There's no way any of my friends are close enough to just hand over a kidney. It's a big thing.

I'm sorry OP and wish you well x

For my husband, children and probably any future grandchildren but otherwise no.

Completely irrelevant question as it's in no way comparable.

I’m so sorry. I hope things work out ok for you

I knew someone who did. We've never discussed it, though.

TBH I would for close friends or family, but the fact that you’ve not discussed this with your friends suggests you don’t have a terribly close relationship. I hope things work out for you.

I'm not sure. My Mum, brother or nieces, no question. Absolutely. My best friend of 40 years, I'd certainly give it serious thought. Anyone else - no

I wouldn't I am so sorry. Thinking hard about this, I think I would only donate to my children.

I am so sorry you are facing this x

For my children, yes of course. No question.

Friends - maybe but probably no.

If I was childless I would definitely consider donating to one of my good friends. But like most others with children who may someday need a donation (hopefully not) it would feel right to be able to help them in that event.

I do think I would do it for a stranger. I'm fairly sure I'd do it for a friend. But how would people know if they were a match?

I have no children which probably does make a difference.

What are the chances of any of your friends matching you, OP?

Someone in my family donated to a relative. It caused a lot of health issues for the first year for the donor but he is ok now. However when the recipient eventually stopped taking anti-rejection meds causing the kidney to fail there were huge emotional issues. If you accept a kidney from a friend consider how you will both manage their input into your future health decisions and lifestyle choices.

Also I don’t know if this is still the case but at that time they wouldn’t accept kidneys from donors who hadn’t finished having children to avoid risk of pregnancy with only 1 kidney. So depending on age/circumstances that may rule out some of your friends.

My family or husband yes but most likely doctors wouldn't allow me.

I would for family assuming health checks beforehand didnt show any reason not to. I would for my child in any event. Friends, not sure tbh . Would need a lot of research into both my current health and any possible implications etc

I can't imagine asking any friend to do this, if they had children. I'd feel awful if they died or even if their health got worse that made it harder to care for their own dc. There are always risks to the surgery so it wouldn't be an option for me, being around for my kids is more important. I would only consider being a donor for my dcs or DH.

In the US where I donated part of the testing process involves talking to a social worker or similar about these exact issues. When you donate a kidney you need to accept that it’s gone and the person who now has it has the right to live their life as they choose. If you can’t do this you shouldn’t donate.

I would at least tell my friends so they could support me emotionally. I think you’re right not to ask them. Once they know the situation if they are willing to donate they would offer.

Oh and no, I probably wouldn’t offer a kidney as I’d be too worried that one of my kids might need it one day.

If mine were suitable for a friend I absolutely would.

I'd do it for a close friend (I actually have a close friend who will probably need a kidney one day so I've thought about this a fair bit).

If it was my DS I'd give him both of them if I had to. He'd be the only one because we have the same rare blood group that none of my family share.
But yes I would. I'd keep them for family only though.

For my best friend (single mum), yes I would in a heartbeat.
but I have a child with dodgy kidneys who may one day need a transplant, so I’d rather “save” mine in case they need one later in life.

i truly hope you find a donor OP