AIBU to ask - would you donate a kidney as a live donor?

[TransplantRequired]

I have name changed, but been around a while.

I have recently been told my kidneys are failing, and I need a transplant or dialysis. The consultant and nurse are strongly encouraging me to find a living donor, because for various reasons dialysis is not a long term prospect of success for me, and the deceased donor list could take 3 to 5 years on average.

I do not have any siblings, or close family. My parents and their siblings all dead, and I am not in contact with any cousins, nieces etc. So, the only thing would be to approach my friends. I’m not one for discussing my health, so none of my friends know I have anything wrong with me. Any request would come completely out of the blue.

I am not comfortable broaching this with them, and I wouldn’t expect any of them to do it. But the consultant and nurse were astonished by me saying this, and really don’t accept that I don’t know anyone I feel close enough to to approach.

So, if one of your friends (not family, I think that’s different) needed a kidney, and you were in good health, and a match, would you offer?

YABU - Of course I would, it’s what friends are for!
YANBU - No, that’s too much to ask a friend to do.

OP, I'm sorry for what you're going through 💐 I think I wouldn't only because of the tiny possibility one of my children or siblings might need a donation one day.

I’m going to say yes I would - I have a couple of very close friends, one of whom is a single parent with a child who has sen. I’d want to help them so much.
However, I’m not sure if I would actually be brave enough if it came to the crunch, that’s very different than an imaginary scenario, it’s a scary prospect.
For either of my own children, or my siblings - absolutely, wouldn’t hesitate.

I have one friend I would do this for without hesitation. My life would be utterly shit without her.

my other friends, I would seriously consider it, but ultimately probably not.

Probably not, apart from my DH or DC. The problem is that things change and what might make sense in the context of a relationship now, may not be the case in future.

I did at one point consider a big personal gesture to help a family member. A decade on and they had joined an extremely strict religious group, which I just can’t bring myself to agree with…We also had an argument that shattered our relationship. I am very relieved that I never made that offer, which they turned out not to need anyway.

But that wasn’t an essential health issue so perhaps different reasoning might apply.

I feel for your situation and hope that you find someone. I think it would be ok to ‘let it be known’ that you are seeking a donor and asking people to share this, but asking directly for a donor organ - no.

I would for my children, no one else.

OP, I have a kidney transplant and my friend donated to me. My family were tested and not a match sadly.

I went through all the feelings you have now. I felt so embarrassed and awkward asking people to be tested to donate... How could you possibly broach the subject??

I then imagined myself on my deathbed NEVER having asked anyone out of sheer British pride... Resigning myself to an early grave as it was too awkward to ask.

I ended up posting on social media. Some may look down on this decision but I worded it carefully - there was no entitlement - just simply a statement of my health and a contact number.

It turns out SO many people were misinformed about organ donation and just assumed I'd get a kidney 'off the donor list'...

Unless you've been there and faced with this awful dilemma I don't think people can judge.

I'm so pleased I did. My friend and I are lifelong buds and he is truly one of a kind. I count him as family

Maybe I’ll start a crowdfunding page 😀

I absolutely would for my mum (although she wouldn’t let me) same goes for my husband (he wouldn’t let me either, we have disabled children that need at least one healthy parent around for as long as possible) I also would for my brother and my sister and both of her children. No one else though.

For my children, in a heartbeat. For a close family member like a sibling, maybe. To a friend? No. I'm sorry. I don't feel like that's compatible with my responsibilities to my DC.

I would - sensitively, carefully - ask people, though. As long as you make it clear that you don't have expectations and won't be upset by a flat no, you might as well, and people do surprise you. If you handle it gently, I don't think you have much to lose and you at least have the potential for gain.

Only for my children.
I know of twins, one of whom donated a kidney to the other as they were obviously a perfect match.
The recipient was fine but the donor was seriously ill and spent many weeks in hospital afterwards.

@TransplantRequired

i would do it for my best friend, her daughters & their girls (no boys in either generation) and a couple of other very close friends, but I'm older (55) with health issues and so I'm not sure they'd be of an acceptable quality any more.

I have one brother (he's an arse) & his children, im not close to them, id do it out of pressure/guilt etc but not happily as I would my best friend etc.

id never be offended/upset by being asked by someone though. Id feel awful saying 'no', but if the person asking was a reasonably good friend, not some pretty random person id probably say yes, if the quality of my kidneys was good enough. Id want to be really sure because its worse for the donor than the recipient & i know a brother who almost died after giving one to his brother.

surely theres a register for people willing to do this (even if its not a very big one?!)

I think that's the case. I heard a programme about organ donation a while back. It was discussing the reduction in organ quality of donated organs. Some patients were receiving organs from really quite sick donors (cancer victims etc) whose organs were less than ideal. The blunt truth is that the traditional source was always road accident fatalities. And each fatality provided multiple organs, allowing maybe 5 or more patients to be treated.

Road deaths have decreased a lot over the years which is great for all the people (and their families) who would otherwise not be here. The unfortunate knock-on effect is a fall in available transplant organs. I hope you find some luck along the way. Artificially grown organs are on their way, but that's still over the horizon...

What a lovely post @milesmachine Thank you for your insight and I hope you continue to have good use of your friend’s wonderful gift.

I would have always said yes, but I watched my cousin go through the surgery a few years ago. She donated to her SiL. Its major surgery and doesn't come without its own risks as well.
I think I'd still say yes but only to DH (assuming i was a match) or immediate family.

I agree with this. I’m sorry OP but I would only consider this for my kids, not friends.

Children, possibly siblings. No one else.

I'd donate a kidney for my DC, dgc, DH and younger sister or niece. Not friends though or sisters far older than me.

Only my kids, DH, maybe niblings. On paper. In real life if a friend was dying in front of me and I was watching her kids and her husband start to process losing her, I might.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask, but you also have to accept that people will say no and not take it to heart or too personally.

Maybe a blanket email or social media message, but be prepared for negative responses (as in saying no, not as in being rude!).

Me, would I? I have never even considered it, so I'd want to know the ins and outs of a ducks arse before committing to any testing!

So sorry for you OP. But I would only donate to my children. I can think of high profile recipients like Selena Gomez who has now fallen out with the friend who donated to her - I think it’s too big an ask of anyone to do for a friend. I think your medical team are atrocious for making you feel this way and making a bad situation harder for you.

My friend received a live donor kidney from a stranger and recovered well

I'm afraid I wouldn't. I would worry that if my children ever needed one I wouldn't have 1 to give.

I'd only do this for my children or DH.

I think I actually would give someone a kidney if they needed one, you don’t need two to survive so yeah I only need one

For my children, without hesitation.

I would also consider it for two of my friends that I have known for most of my life. They are like family to me.

That’s great to know because I have family who might need mine. I thought I was too old though. I’m 60.

as for donating to a friend - I think I would. But I’m in the same mind as a lot of the posters here. It seems that if you gave yours and then found your child needed it then that would be doubly awful for the child.

I have my child and grandchild who might need transplants. It’s scary.

op I hope you’re ok and that you find what you need. It would be very hard to ask friends but I guess you could tell close friends about your situation. Then if someone is willing to donate then they could come forward.

I wish you all the best