Keeping pension quiet?

[Seperateaccount]

DH and I are hitting pension age. We've been together 25 years, married for nearly 20 years and I've worked sporadically during that time. DH's job takes him abroad and I follow. I'd also paid 20 years of the 25 year mortgage on my own, before we paid it off a few years ago.

I've just become aware of a pension that I'm entitled to from my working days before I even met DH, something I'd completely forgotten about. It's not enough to live on every month but the 25% tax free amount would give me a nice nest egg and I can continue to build it with the pension .

DH will likely see the extra income as a reason to play golf/go on holiday/not worry about the future.

AIBU to set up bank accounts DH doesn't know about? I'm well aware that he's paid more in terms of day to day expenses over the last few years but I also know that I worked bloody hard for years (before we met), to pay for the majority of our house.

OP does your DH have a pension?

I would probably cash in the 25% and keep it in savings especially as interest rates are high at the moment.

Well actually it is hard to understand because she also said they have only recently paid off the mortgage. If she only had 5 years left of it when her partner moved in, how come they have only just paid it off? A bank won't give you a 20 year break in paying it back.

Who will be paying the household costs in retirement? Will it just be state pension or his private pension too ( assuming he has one). Will he keep his own lump sum? If you will be using his private pension for living costs and benefiting from his lump sum, then I think it’s very cheeky to not include your pension too. If he has no private pension of his own, why wouldn’t you give him a share of your lump sum? It sounds like he’s paid the majority of household costs for the last 20 years.

You didn't know up till now, I'd "discover it" at a later time. I was married to a spendthrift and yes, I would keep some aside.

No brainer. Keep it to yourself. He’s also massively benefited from you effectively paying off the mortgage.

I might be inclined to be bold, tell him he’s a spendthrift and that you have this pension in an account that he can’t get at. No doubt he’ll hassle you about it but it avoids the possibility that he’ll find out that you’ve kept it secret.

I'd keep quiet. You never know what will happen at any point so it'd be good to have some money put by.

And especially keep it quiet if he's going to piss it into the wind.

Tell him about it. Say that you're not planning to spend it. You want to save it and give a justifiable reason - 'we dont know what our health will be like in the future, i want to make sure we would be able to afford....'Then put it in your own bank account not a joint account. If he takes issue with this then I think it might be a wake up call that he is controlling with money.

Yeah but if he isn't able to control himself or chooses not to then either you have to leave him or live with no savings. Or the third option, save privately. Hardly a no brainer

Feels bad you’ve not worked and now you’ve got some income you’re going to hide it.

But as I read the OP she was unable to work because his work took them all over the world and she was the ‘trailing wife’.

OP: what sort of pension is it? A private or defined contribution pension, or a public sector / teaching type defined benefit pension?

I think there's nothing wrong with doing that.

I think regardless of who paid what, everyone should have a pot of money only they have access to. I'd be saying the same thing to your dh too.

I think it would be okay to say I have a pension. I want to put the money away whilst I think about what to d with it and it is not for general use. It then goes out to a high interest savings account or ISA. Not being honest about finances is in my view not acceptable and I would be shocked and angry if DH deliberately hid this from me.

I can see why you want to. I'd probably have it in my own account but tell him it was there. I'd make it clear it was for your future security and not for day to day expenditure. Or if you think he won't react well don't tell him but you'd want to make sure letters don't come through the post about it if you think he'll notice!

You need to have a proper conversation with him about finances and planning for retirement rather than squirrelling away secret pension pots because you can't communicate and agree things properly.

Would you be angry if he did the same to you?

Are you in huge debt as a couple?
Is the credit card( mainly) paid off every month.
You say he's a spender not a saver but as long as you're not in huge debt and you both have pensions is it a difference of outlook rather than being financially precarious?
I get that your house was pretty much paid off before you married and you havent been able to work much since marriage as you followed your DH round for his work. However that is a decision you made 25 years ago when you married.
I don't think I could hide this from my DH unless I was really worried about our future both financially and as a couple.
However you are within your rights to say ive just got x from an old pension. I'm putting it into x ( untouchable) savings fund for our future retirement .

So what are the plans for retirement? You live off state pensions and his pension? While you stash yours away? If that's the case then it's very unreasonable.

DH and I have separate finances (we both contribute to all expenses) but I'd never do something as sneaky as this.

@Jo58 it did weigh heavy at times. When my first DH was made redundant I thought I'd have to say something, but then he got another job quickly so it was fine. I've always paid half of our mortgage and all bills so it's not like I was living off my exh. Also my exh was a spender and Dad knew that and worried about it and I'm a saver. My DH now is not bad with money at all but as Dad had given it to me and had since died I just kept it quiet but gave my own DD some of it for her fuck off fund. I think every woman should have one. We see every week on MN marriages break down and women have no where they can go and no money for a deposit on a rental and a few months rent and food money and some stay trapped in dreadfully abusive marriages because they have nowhere they can take their DC and escape. Dad never wanted me in that position and I didn't want my DD in that position.

If OP worked for 20 years and has this pension she's only wanting to drawdown 25 percent of it. The rest she'll have for retirement to add to her state retirement.

@caringcarer thank you, I missed that. I still wouldn't do it, but I can see why OP is tempted.

OP, why don't you do it but tell your husband that you're putting it away for rainy day savings. Non negotiable.

If he is paying most of your living expenses currently I would keep it quiet. If he were to die first you need to be able to financially support yourself- you can’t do that if he’s spent your safety net on golf and holidays

If I found my DH had done this and not told me, I would genuinely reconsider our relationship. It's really underhand.

I completely agree. This is the sort of thing people end marriages over. Why bring a secret like this into your life if you can avoid it?

Not sure why people are assuming the options are to keep the money secret or give it to the husband to spend. Why not just say “darling, I’ve just looked at an old pension of mine and it turns out it’s worth X- isn’t that great? I’m going to keep it invested for now as rainy day money.” It’s her pension- he can’t touch it.

I would keep it hidden without a seconds thought. It will give you peace of mind.