Keeping pension quiet?

[Seperateaccount]

DH and I are hitting pension age. We've been together 25 years, married for nearly 20 years and I've worked sporadically during that time. DH's job takes him abroad and I follow. I'd also paid 20 years of the 25 year mortgage on my own, before we paid it off a few years ago.

I've just become aware of a pension that I'm entitled to from my working days before I even met DH, something I'd completely forgotten about. It's not enough to live on every month but the 25% tax free amount would give me a nice nest egg and I can continue to build it with the pension .

DH will likely see the extra income as a reason to play golf/go on holiday/not worry about the future.

AIBU to set up bank accounts DH doesn't know about? I'm well aware that he's paid more in terms of day to day expenses over the last few years but I also know that I worked bloody hard for years (before we met), to pay for the majority of our house.

If i had to lie id leave him so it would be irrelevant.
The conversation here would be as follows:
Guess what dh, guess what i found out i have? A wee pension pot i forgot about. Its x amount.
Thats good love, good for you. What do u want to do with it? Spend or save.
Think ill save it dh.
Good for you. Cuppa?

What kind of lives do some of ye lead?

Sorry OP, I agree with this.

I disagree. If you only take the headline, keeping quiet about the pension, yes. It would be all about family money.

But if a woman posted that her DH/DP was boring and wanted to save some for a rainy day while she wanted it to spend spend, spend, spend and sod what might happen tomorrow, I don't think the responses would be LTB. She'd get posts about financial prudence, what happens if there's an emergency.

It's not black and white, which is why I've asked a lot of questions about their finances above.

Tell him, OP, but put the money into an account in your name only. And explain why if need be. That way you've been honest but don't risk him spending it all!

I'm confused.

You worked for 25 years before you met your husband.

So that means roughly, from 18 to 43 (unless you left school at 16 which is quite rare for women of our age.)

And you have been together for 25 years - so that brings you up to around 68.

How had you forgotten about a pension that you paid into for 25 years?

That doesn't seem to show much financial acumen.

How did you get a mortgage so young? Did you earn a fortune or live where housing was really cheap?

I think your marriage sucks if you can't be honest with each other.

My DH and I are in the midst (today!) of doing our accounts for all our pensions, savings, investments etc so we can plan our future a little more precisely (shares have increased etc.)

I think you should consider couple therapy as this is a HUGE red flag in a marriage.

I assume from what you've said that you've had shared finances since marrying given you haven't worked much. I'm sure if a man did this to a woman the members of MN would be telling you to leave the bastard.

OP has explained that his job means moving around to different countries and she has followed him, which is why she hasn't earned much since they got together. It's not because she's work-shy, as her prevoius work history shows.

25 year mortgage. OP paid 20 of those years before meeting him, then they paid off the rest a few years later. So OP has paid the bulk of it. I suspect the house/mortage was in her name only and possibly still is ? She worked regularly for 20 years, and sporadically for the last few.

I'd stash it away and keep it quiet without a second thought. He's more lax with money than you, you want to ring fence it for retirement. If the two of you were struggling financially now it would be different. You're not. Save it. Say nothing. You'll both benefit down the line.

@NeedToChangeName

Certain facts here are gearing people to advise the OP this way.

1. He has not contributed to the cost of the marital home
2. He has insisted on his work abroad taking precedence which may have impeded the OP from working
3. He may not have paid into a private pension for the OP, nor her NI meaning she may have only a partial state pension and this small pension
4. He does not save for the future and sounds irresponsible financially
5. Also he’s controlling - ‘he would spend the money on golf if he knew about it’…. It’s her money, why should she have to hand it over?!

In short he sounds financially abusive.

If he were decent people wouldn’t be advising her to hide it to protect herself.

We don't know that OP paid into it for 25 years. It could just be 10 years or whatever.

@Seperateaccount please sign into government gateway and check your pension contributions to ensure your state pension is ok… if you have missed paying in for the last 25 years you might need to top it up.

Don’t rely on DH. Make sure he pays into a private pension for you if you having been working due to him/he is the only breadwinner. He should have been doing that all along if you weren’t working.

• to make that clear - don’t rely on DH always providing.

You could split and off he goes with his income.

If a private pension is set up for you in your name and only you have access he can’t take that - get it done asap. And if you are missing pension contributions for state pension get him to top them up now!!

She clearly said she had a 25 year mortgage on her own and paid off 20 years of it before meeting and marrying DH. So she had five years left when that happened, which they’ve now paid off.

How would you feel roles reversed OP?

"Oh she'd just see it as more money to do X, Y, Z so I'm going to keep it hidden as a nice little golf fund"

You'd be a bit hurt I bet.

You are entitled to your own money and if you want to keep this as a nest egg then go right ahead.

Do be aware though that the building society or bank may send you mail. Atom bank don't send me any paper mail, none whatsoever ever

If you feel that your dp will want to spend for the sake of it and you don't want to - then keep it to yourself and put the money away, then add the monthly amounts directly too the account. An isa will be tax free savings and therefore save you the bother of sorting tax with HMRC, again a way of keeping things simple.

Id hate to have money given to me for something id achieved on my own and have someone wanting to spend spend spend

And you just sit back and let him spend all of your joint income?

It would depend on whether that man had a partner who was crap with money, spent up to the limit, expected his money to be spent on things she wanted, didn’t think about the future and was only OK with his partner spending money if it was on a credit card. This is the reality for the OP. Would you want to admit to a pension pot and extra income to someone like this ?

So this pension is from before you met when you worked hard etc. but then you met, he took you away with his work and you enjoyed a good life? On the credit card front, is it AMEX? Probably for the rewards as it's like cashback.

I'd say tell him though. It seems he isn't an abuser and he's supported you a fair whack.

Tax. The lump sum’s tax free, it’s subject to tax as income. Tuck it away and don’t mention it @Seperateaccount. You’ve saved him an absolute fortune by living in what’s essentially your house all these years.

You earned it pre marriage so you keep it

OP, sounds as if the marriage isn't working out as planned and I don't blame you for wanting to keep some of your finances separate. Not at all immoral or sneaky to look after your own future if he's not someone who can be trusted to be financially responsible.

What did he bring to the marriage in financial terms? Would it be easier to get rid of him now rather than later?

But that doesn't necessarily mean she was inputting into this particular pension for 25 years.

What that got to do with it? It predated the marriage, just like the house.

hypothetically

Op come here and state my dp has died and im up the creek without a paddle financially as he spent spent spent and now I don't have any choices but to down size and I don't want to - I did have a private pension but he spent the lump sum and the pension was spent every month

the answer would be - why didn't you put that aside for you, why not have your own nest egg. Why did you let him spend all your money?

Why weren't you sensible

Just make it easier and get divorced - you don't sound very compatible or that you even like him much.