Keeping pension quiet?

[Seperateaccount]

DH and I are hitting pension age. We've been together 25 years, married for nearly 20 years and I've worked sporadically during that time. DH's job takes him abroad and I follow. I'd also paid 20 years of the 25 year mortgage on my own, before we paid it off a few years ago.

I've just become aware of a pension that I'm entitled to from my working days before I even met DH, something I'd completely forgotten about. It's not enough to live on every month but the 25% tax free amount would give me a nice nest egg and I can continue to build it with the pension .

DH will likely see the extra income as a reason to play golf/go on holiday/not worry about the future.

AIBU to set up bank accounts DH doesn't know about? I'm well aware that he's paid more in terms of day to day expenses over the last few years but I also know that I worked bloody hard for years (before we met), to pay for the majority of our house.

I think I sort of get it.
I need to be financially secure. Okay we've been to the edge, with husband losing job October and starting new Job Jan 1st.
I need 2 months mortgage in the bank. We spent my 2 months mortgage buffer staying afloat, no heating over winter and we were running on fumes.
We've spent over 20 years married. We've both been made redundant several times.
It will take us 8-12 months and going without, to build up another buffer.
So I get it.
Or I think I do. Or I don't.
Do you want the secret bank account for financial security, or to leave your husband, or because you don't trust him and want to spend the money differently?
My husband absolutely knows I need to be able to pay for the roof over our heads and the bills.
But you are being deceptive to your husband? Either he's reckless or you're planning for divorce?

I'd keep it in a separate account. You have in effect had separate financial affairs ie you mostly bought the house. And it's money you accumulated from before you met him.
It's would be better to tell him what you're doing though.

Don’t take any notice of the critics with their perfect relationships and smug responses…..
Just keep it quiet and in an account in your own name where only you can decide what to do with it

We have totally shared finances, but a few years ago HIS step mother left me a large sum, and he assumed that it was his to do what he wished with. I put it into a separate ISA, which he knows about, but when he wants to buy something big, he assumes that he can spend it, but when I want to, it is "wasting money we might need for our future care".

You say nearing retirement, so if you are still earning, you can feed some into a current pension - do you need the lump sum?
You can do one of 2 things, tell him and tell him that you are going to save it into a nest egg, or tell him nothing and do it anyway. None of us know what the future will hold and being a little older than you, I do feel frightened about the lack of affordable care, and access to funding.

Did you read the bit where I made it crystal clear I was talking about being in the OP's shoes?

How is this even remotely similar to the OP's DH?

You mean the really offensive part?

Keep it as your rainy day/ running away fund. Every woman should have one.

I saw a post the other week about someone’s husband hiding their pension from their wife. There was overwhelming support for the wife to confront or leave the bastard. I’m unsure why the vote is so different when the roles are reversed.

Anyway, I’m glad you were honest in the end op. There’s no issue with you keeping a safety net but the idea you were going to keep it secret instead of discussing it with your DH was worrying.

Because on mn, Man money= family money to be shared & distributed. Woman Money,=to be safeguarded & protected for her

Honestly you should have already had a sneaky secret account. I'm from the US and women weren't allowed their own checking accounts and credit cards until after my mother graduated from high school, so every single woman in my family took me and my sister aside and told us we better make sure we had a separate secret account that we never told our significant others about so we would have money for emergencies.

A marriage should be transparent. How would you feel if it was the other way round?

What are you going to gain by hoarding it? Surely you want to go on holidays etc?

Clearly a lot of posters on this thread are on the same page with their SO about finances. I find this amusing because in the 24 years I've been a financial adviser I find most couples aren't, and they have differing attitudes to spending.

I know you've told DH @Seperateaccount but I wouldn't have blamed you if you didn't.

Well it’s a moot point because OP updated a while ago that she told him, but l wouldn’t exactly call it hoarding. Did she ‘hoard’ the home she mostly paid for before they met? Did she ‘hoard’ her part of the joint income that he spends in its’ entirety each month, leaving them with no retirement savings ? OP said in her post that if she told him he would want to spend it on golfing and holidays. She was spot on, because when she did tell him, the first thing he thought about was a holiday in Oz and a new car. OP wants to save the lump sum and add to it with the pension income. He’s a spendthrift and she has everything to gain by insisting that he keeps his hands off the pension she worked for and allow her to save at least something for a rainy day. Only on MN could that possibly be seen as a bad thing.

The OP clearly has other income of her own going into a joint account. Whether it’s ‘man’ or ‘woman’ money is irrelevant when one partner is so irresponsible in their spending that they’ve got to retirement age with no savings and would willingly spend their partners’ pension pot on fripperies in a heartbeat. OP has variously been accused of being selfish, deceitful, having double standards, hoarding money, and starting an ‘escape fund’. All because she doesn’t want her spendthrift DH to waste the pension she has earned. The misogyny on this thread is quite something.

Sorry but none of what you’ve said makes sense. How long did you have a mortgage for? By my reckoning it seems like 45 years! You said you worked and paid it for 20 years before you got together but you’ve been together 25 years and only paid it off recently. So he has paid the mortgage for at least 20 years as well, while you hardly worked, and now you want to keep your pension to yourself whilst still living off his money! Nice!

OP had a 25 year mortgage, which she had paid by herself for 20 of those 25 years before meeting DH. They’ve been together 25 years - married 20 years. Since OP didn’t say they extended the mortgage, by my reckoning if she had 5 years left on it, it would have been fully paid up by the time they married, so 20 years ago. OP didn’t say it was recently paid off, she said a few years ago.

You’ve assumed that OP didn’t work by choice when it’s clear that she supported her DH when travelling for his job. That sounds like a mutually agreed arrangement , not because she’s workshy - she’s clearly not that, or financially irresponsible if she’s managed to pay for most of the house they live in. And she says she has worked sporadically, not ‘hardly worked’. You’ve also assumed that she has no other income of her own when there’s nothing to suggest that - she says they have a joint account, and if she worked for over 20 years, some state pension will be due. Not quite the same scenario as you’re trying to paint it.

I’d think carefully here, OP. You might feel better in yourself for having a little nest egg of your own, but what are you risking in keeping this secret from your DH? You could be jeopardizing your presumably happy marriage for a little extra security which, to be honest, if you’ve already paid off your mortgage and have a decent pension due you don’t really need. What future difficulties are you worried you wouldn’t be able to pay for without this stash?

I think you have to ask yourself is it worth it? Not only are you being dishonest, but your reason for doing so is because of a fault you find in him. So there’s a double point of hurt for him to deal with and for you to have to explain and justify if it’s discovered.

A better plan might be to invest the money in something that will appreciate in value and you could then sell if you and your husband were desperate, like property, art or shares. Premium bonds might be another option if you’re into them? Explain to hubby this is technically your money from before you met him and you’re choosing to invest it for both your future securities. That way the money doesn’t get spent by him but you’re being honest.

‘A few years’ doesn’t normally equate to 20 years! That would be a weird thing to say. I’m not at all saying she’s work shy, I’m just saying that it appears she has mostly lived on his money and now wants to keep her own as hers. She clearly doesn’t like that her husband spends his money but she obviously goes on the holidays, meals out etc. he’s not spending the money all on himself but on her as well. She clearly states she can buy what she likes, so why not be upfront and say she’s got this pension but she is going to have a direct debit that saves some of it every month. That’s the fair thing to do with someone who has shared his life and earnings for 25 years! It appears to me that she’s trying to present a scenario where she has provided most things but for me that doesn’t ring true. You either paid off the mortgage 20 years ago or you paid it a few years ago, which in most peoples eyes would be up to 5 or so years! And please don’t be so aggressive, we’re all entitled to an opinion, it’s not just yours that counts, that’s what this site is for 🤷‍♀️

Both my mum and my aunt advised me to have a running away fund! I’ve always had a small pot of money in a bank account that no one else needs to know about.

I have had quite a bit of inheritance over the years (sadly). I have a nest egg of some of it in a separate bank account we DO call my Running Away Fund. My DH doesn't mind it exists. I would say you're going to set it up and just put the money in that.

Wonders if the posters against the OP have ISAs, pensions and potentially other investments in their sole name.

I expect so. ISA, well the clue is in the name. Individual Savings Account. Pensions are held in sole names, with the odd exception. Many couples will transfer assets to a spouse in order to use each others CGT allowances, lower income positions and perhaps pension allowances etc. This is more about having it as a secret rather than her own name.

It's not though - the client has clearly stated her husband is shit with money, as is mine. She just wants to make sure they remain financially solvent in retirement when neither will have earning power to replace savings, etc. There is nothing wrong with that.

What really offensive part? I said....

In your shoes I would probably keep it to myself.

But having said that, I'd never be in your shoes because no man has such redeeming qualities that I'd want to live a shit life of chucking everything on credit.

You've said...

I can buy whatever I want as long as I use a credit card! He's happy to spend our income every month with no thought to the future.

So tell me how what I said was 'really offensive'?

The bit where you said I have a shit life. Judgemental and outright nasty.

Ah well, each to their own. I hope that you have/find a partner that allows you to have a non-shit life and that you never have any problems that might involve you using credit.