Keeping pension quiet?

[Seperateaccount]

DH and I are hitting pension age. We've been together 25 years, married for nearly 20 years and I've worked sporadically during that time. DH's job takes him abroad and I follow. I'd also paid 20 years of the 25 year mortgage on my own, before we paid it off a few years ago.

I've just become aware of a pension that I'm entitled to from my working days before I even met DH, something I'd completely forgotten about. It's not enough to live on every month but the 25% tax free amount would give me a nice nest egg and I can continue to build it with the pension .

DH will likely see the extra income as a reason to play golf/go on holiday/not worry about the future.

AIBU to set up bank accounts DH doesn't know about? I'm well aware that he's paid more in terms of day to day expenses over the last few years but I also know that I worked bloody hard for years (before we met), to pay for the majority of our house.

the cash is for retirement anyway

If you were splitting up and concealed this, that would be wrong and immoral.
But if you're essentially ring fencing the money for a mutually more secure future then I think that's sensible if he's the type to burn through money.

I can see why this would be very helpful for many women (and men too) but I have to say if I found out my MIL said this to my DH when we married and I’d never been told about the secret pot of money I’d be so gutted and it’d prob ruin our relationship - I mean my marriage and my relationship with my MiL. But we have transparency about our assets.

Lock it away into a premium bonds or fixed term notice account so it's not easily accessible. Before you do, clear any debts in your name and get rid of your credit card. You using the credit card let's him waste money so all your expenses should come out of the household income.

Going forward open a joint household account. All household bills including your daily expenses should come out of this account. Both of you need to do a budget and save a portion each month from the joint income.

If you’ve no intention to spend the lump sum then why draw it down?
I think I would take the higher monthly amount then the issues go away.

It would be totally unacceptable to me that my husband fritter away my pension, so I wouldn’t tell him. But HOW did you manage twenty years together with such a different attitude to money? I’d have gone insane and left him. Dh isn’t wonderful with budgets, so he goes along with me on our financial plans. If he just kept spending and ignoring me talking about long term savings plans there is no way we’d be together still.

I couldn’t hide income from my DH. It’s sneaky to start with!
From what you’ve said, you’ve been supported a great deal by your DH for the past 20+ years, with what sounds like full access to his salary via his credit card.
The fact that you had your own house and paid off most of the mortgage before you met is a bit of a red herring. Did he not have a house?
If you're going to be totally honest, you should both sit down and make a list of each other’s financial contribution to your relationship, including pensions you’ve both paid in to. Then you can both go into your retirement years fully knowing what your combined income will be, and how it will be shared.

So you’d be happy if he hid part of his income to stop you ‘frittering it away’?

Op hasn’t said he fritters everything away, just that he spends his income. We don’t know what his income and/or pension arrangements actually are.

Plus the credit card part, as I interpreted it, is they spend on it instead of debits cards, and pay at the end of each month. Sensible way to make CC pay.

It is your pension earnt before you married. It should go into your own account and yes I would consider it an emergency or running away fund. How could he spend it if it’s in your account?
If he found out then I’d be clear that it’s your pension not shared income. You’ve provided him with a home and he’s feckless with money. I don’t blame you for seeking some security now.

You're still spending that money whether you pay for it on a debit card, or a credit card then pay it off at the end of the month. No difference.

And the OP in her 2nd message wrote "He's happy to spend our income every month with no thought to the future. I prefer to stick to a budget and save a little for emergencies. I just know that as soon as I add £x per month, he'll spend it!"....which to me, is exactly what frittering it all away is!!

Maybe you have a different understanding?

But we don’t know the DHs situation financially. Why can’t he spend all his money if she is going to hide hers? He might be happy to live off the state when he’s older. His decision now she’s taken to hiding money away.

I’m not saying it’s right, but it is his right to do so, and hers to hide it.

Yup
Hide it

Keep it for yourself 💃

Keeping it to spend on yourself would be immoral. But creating savings for you both, to stop him from just pissing the extra money up the wall is fair enough as long as it's not leaving you short on a day to day basis. One day you might need it and he'll be glad you did.

I would absolutely stash it away. It’s not worth the fight to stop him spending it. I wouldn’t feel guilty either.

I'm confused about what you were planning to live on when you both retire ?
His pension...then you are being unreasonable hiding your.
State pensions only...well I'd hide the lump sum and add the monthly income to the communal pot.

But I'd probably have a direct conversation, telling him you have recently found out about this pension but as you currently don't need the income, you are not drawing it and it is to be seen as emergency money only.
If you have to start taking it then open separate bank account and put it in there where he can't spend it

You sound like my friend in a few years time. Her husband is awful with money, she owns the house and did before they married. He is so bad with money they and a joint account for bills but separate accounts for wages. He has no idea she has 30k in a saving account, paid for her car without finances etc.

To begin with I thought this was really odd behaviour but over the years i completely get it. He will just spend money like crazy, and he isn’t a bad guy hes lovely just been brought up differently by his parents (I would argue to be irresponsible with money).

I don’t think there is anything wrong with this set up now.

I would set up the account in my name only and squirrel it away, but I would tell him about it and tell him categorically that this is what you're going to do with YOUR money, and that it is not to be factored into anything and will not be used. Is there a reason you can't do this? If so, that's your real problem.

You are an exception as to why you need to keep quiet.

You are also an exception as to why very occasionally it’s best not to marry in case of divorce. Did you know he was dreadful with money before you got married. I mean it’s too late now but such unequal assets, what a risk.

Do what you must, OP.

If he’s still a spendthrift at this old age, he’ll likely continue to be. Imagine not being trustworthy enough to not blow through the family finance at retirement age.

Heavens, why would you tell the feckless spendthrift! Unlike what seems of most of mumsnet, I have always kept my own money in my own name and under my own control. My husband has no claim over it - yes, I am a solicitor, no - not in the UK - and it's practically bullet proof.

In your situation I’d keep quiet about it and build on it.

You paid 20 years of the mortgage, this pension is something you’d forgotten about anyway, continue to ‘forget’ about it and continue to invest in it.

My dad left my mum at age 60 and utterly penniless.

your DH is crap with money. Keep it quiet but for goodness sake don’t let
him find out from papework or even a text or tax return

My DH is terrible with money. Not in a 'spend what he doesn't have' way, more of a 'spend everything he has' way which is how I read @Seperateaccount post.

My DH recognises he is not great with money, so has asked me to manage it all. I had to open a separate account for my salary and bills to ensure he doesn't see what I earn, otherwise he will book in something to be done on the car/house/anything else he feels like and we end up with no savings. He has to ask if we have money for x,y, or z now which I don't particularly like but that's the way he prefers it.

I also have to take care of anything to do with pensions (for both), savings, wills, life Insurances, basically anything money related. He does all the practical stuff.

I suppose you could say money is his weakness.

@Seperateaccount in your shoes I would do the same.