Keeping pension quiet?

[Seperateaccount]

DH and I are hitting pension age. We've been together 25 years, married for nearly 20 years and I've worked sporadically during that time. DH's job takes him abroad and I follow. I'd also paid 20 years of the 25 year mortgage on my own, before we paid it off a few years ago.

I've just become aware of a pension that I'm entitled to from my working days before I even met DH, something I'd completely forgotten about. It's not enough to live on every month but the 25% tax free amount would give me a nice nest egg and I can continue to build it with the pension .

DH will likely see the extra income as a reason to play golf/go on holiday/not worry about the future.

AIBU to set up bank accounts DH doesn't know about? I'm well aware that he's paid more in terms of day to day expenses over the last few years but I also know that I worked bloody hard for years (before we met), to pay for the majority of our house.

Er - she paid 20 years of a 25 year mortgage before they even met. He’s shit with money and when she finally told him about the pension pot he admitted his first thought was a new car and a trip to Australia. Depends on whose finances you’re sharing doesn’t it ?

But you said you’ve been together 25 years and have only just paid off the mortgage.

We've been together 25 years, married for nearly 20 years and I've worked sporadically during that time. DH's job takes him abroad and I follow. I'd also paid 20 years of the 25 year mortgage on my own, before we paid it off a few years ago.

Did you pay 20 years before you met, then take a 20 year mortgage holiday, and finish paying it a few years ago?

It’s not that hard @usernamealreadytaken. A few years can mean any number - in this case it clearly means 15.

It would likely be more than 20 (assuming a year or two together before they married), and I’m not sure many people would consider that “a few”, hence my query.

Let’s do this as a reverse. DH bought most of the house prior to marrying OP, but they jointly paid around 20%. DH has only worked sporadically for the last 25 years, being supportive of OPs career which involved a lot of travelling. DH has a pension from before he met OP - is it fair that after 25 years of marriage he keeps that money to himself, after 25 years of marriage?

Interestingly mumsnet is all about couples having shared finances when want to access the monies. However when it’s safeguarding female money, it’s all hell yes. Sshhh don’t say a word

When I read threads like this some of the responses make me think that a lot of Mumsnetters really hate men.

But she didn’t say she’d only just paid it off. She paid 20 years of the 25 year mortgage before they met and paid off the last part a few years ago - depends on what she means by a few years ago I suppose, because it doesn’t make any sense to take a payment holiday with so little left to pay off.

It is if OP is a spendthrift whose first thought when some money comes in is a shiny new car and a month’s holiday down under.

You don’t say whether in the reverse you would factor in the OP being as financially feckless as DH. No savings, running up credit so close to retirement with no thought for the future. Having the benefit of a home that’s all but paid off when you meet. If you’re going to ignore all that, then it’s not the same thing at all.

Amazing how many posters aren’t factoring this in and coming down on DH’s side despite the fact that not only is he spendthrift to the point where they’re almost on retirement with no savings, he’s running up credit and encouraging OP to do the same thing, and he’s had the benefit of a home that OP mostly paid for before they met. OP sounds financially prudent and yet she’s being crucified here in favour of a man who sounds as though he’s bordering on being financially abusive.

Is there anything to indicate that DH has run up credit, or just your automatic dislike of the man who has met most of the couple’s living expenses for the last 20-odd years? I can’t see anywhere where OP has said any of those things about DH, just that he likes to spend and doesn’t worry about the future - perhaps that’s because they are financially comfortable in his eyes?

Why is that ? Because the ones who are in support of OP recognise that her DH is financially abusing her. She’s paid for most of the house they live in. He’s a spendthrift who hasn’t planned for the retirement which is almost upon them. They have no savings, and left to his own devices he’s admitted he would have spent her pension pot on a new car and a holiday in Australia. Seriously ?

If I felt that way, I would have run away a long time ago.

DH has always earned more than me- and I had 8 years as sahm when kids were little. But we have always shared all 50/50, including my inheritance.

If you can't be honest about finances, what can you not be honest about?

You're totally failing to take into account that the OP's DH is someone who spends every penny available and is building up debt on credit cards. If a man came on and said his wife was spending every penny they had coming in, the majority on MN wouldn't require him to give her his pension to squander too. MN knows that getting yourself in to debt for fripperies is always a mistake.

Then she has to sit him down and say something like 'I am telling you about this pension- and make it clear what SHE wants to do with it. Not to pay his debts, or go on holidays he wants, or cars- but on what she thinks is essential. Be it saving for old age, or repairs to the house, or whatever.

OP said together for 25 years and married for 20, so five years together before they married. I did the maths and also took it to mean that they paid off the rest of the mortgage 20 years ago, as there was only five years left. Might be wrong, because it was a bit vague.

Sorry Mum. We can't all be perfect.

Nice one OP.

Given you have no savings and are about to retire I think you are doing the right thing by saying this pension will not be going into the joint money pot. Both DH and I are early retired but have similar approaches to money and simply would not spend every penny although if DH was in charge he may well be like your DH in that money tends to run through his fingers. Very early on in our relationship I made it clear that approach does not work for me and no way would I agree to live off credit cards and saving a proportion of our income was always non negotiable. Luckily DH is on board with that.

You have done the right thing by telling him. After all if anything happens to you he needs to know where all money is saved but I think you are quite within your rights to stipulate how it will be spent or not spent. Surely if you are coming up to retirement he will have to adjust his spending habits if he is used to just spending on credit cards and then presumably paying it off each month? Do you have debt?

@pearpporridge @pam290358 At no point has the OP said that she thinks she is financially abused by her husband. She says that they have different approaches to finance. That doesn't necessarily mean she is being financially abused. Neither has she said that her husband is building up debt. She says they spend using a credit card. At no point has she said that they owe money or are building up debt.

People are jumping to a lot of conclusions.

Or, as a friend of ours used to call it, your fuck-off funds.

It’s not automatic dislike, no. I’ve read and understood what OP has said. She’s allowed to buy anything she wants as long as she uses a credit card, and he’s happy to spend all their monthly income. As a result they have no savings - so unlikely to be financially comfortable if they’re coming up to retirement with nothing in the bank. OP says she’s worked to pay the mortgage for 20 years before they met, so he had a ready made home - and it seems the reason he’s mostly met their living expenses is because the OP has supported his career and travelled abroad with him, meaning she couldn’t work as much for herself. She said in one of her posts that if she told him about the pension pot he would likely want to spend it on golfing or a holiday and she was spot on - his first thought was for a holiday in Australia and a new car. He’s crap with money and admits it, so why give him a pension she’s worked for and earned for him to waste it ?

I agree with this and DH and I sound similar to you and your DH. At the beginning my DH would spend with no thought to the future and I was raised as very credit averse and financially conservative. Over the years I persuaded him of the benefits of saving for the future and we manage to retire 8 years before SPA with a comfortable nest egg. Over the years as we had more disposable income I worried less about saving and he got better at not spending every penny he had. He is still happy to spend but will at least consult me first now and we will have a discussion.

I don’t think anyone is jumping to conclusions. The OP may not have said he’s financially abusing her, but she’s given enough information for a few posters to come to that conclusion. She was right about what he would want to do with the money - holiday and a new car. With nothing in the bank, and close to retirement. And she hasn’t said they’re building up debt in so many words, but the fact that he doesn’t mind her spending as long as it’s on a credit card makes me think that’s exactly what’s happening. If they have money, why use a credit card ?