Keeping pension quiet?

[Seperateaccount]

DH and I are hitting pension age. We've been together 25 years, married for nearly 20 years and I've worked sporadically during that time. DH's job takes him abroad and I follow. I'd also paid 20 years of the 25 year mortgage on my own, before we paid it off a few years ago.

I've just become aware of a pension that I'm entitled to from my working days before I even met DH, something I'd completely forgotten about. It's not enough to live on every month but the 25% tax free amount would give me a nice nest egg and I can continue to build it with the pension .

DH will likely see the extra income as a reason to play golf/go on holiday/not worry about the future.

AIBU to set up bank accounts DH doesn't know about? I'm well aware that he's paid more in terms of day to day expenses over the last few years but I also know that I worked bloody hard for years (before we met), to pay for the majority of our house.

The short answer to this is that for the roles to be truly reversed he would have to be as financially responsible as the OP and she would have to have benefited from him paying 20 years off a 25 year mortgage before they got together. But he’s not and she didn’t, so it’s not the same thing at all.

A) you must be over 55 to even be considering drawing this, so what are both your general retirement plans then?
B) you can't keep building up pension savings, in most cases, once you have accessed the pension, this is law to stop people recycling pension funds and getting double tax relief on the same money.

I'm not sure I'd want to be with someone I felt I had to hide my finances from. I'd be trying to work out a retirement plan together, and bring it into that. If you can't agree, it's time to go separate ways I think.

Recycling tax free cash or income (abrdn.com)
Unless you increase your normal contributions this shouldn't be an issue.

If that OP was honest and said she believed money was to spend, that saving for a rainy day/retirement was stupid, and that she would use that money as something to spend away on a holiday, a sports car, or some other frivolous thing OR that her DH should use it to pay off the credit debt she intended to run up, then I imagine that MN would tell her she was unreasonable and no wonder her DH wanted to keep the money separate.

The OP of this thread appears to want to keep that money 'safe' from being squandered or used to pay off frivolous debt rather than to use it as a fuck off fund. Her DH apparently gives no thought to her/their financial future so why should she lose what she has earned because he's a financial imbecile? It's up to her to safeguard herself, and by extension, him.

My own DH was financially feckless during our early years and I was raised to be 'fiscally conservative'. But soon a mortgage, a baby, and then a redundancy (his) convinced him to change his ways, thank God! And in our retirement years, we're financially secure due to financial 'cooperation and compromise'. He's still a bit more of a spendthrift than I would like, but at least he budgets and gives consideration to our overall finances beforehand and would never make a large purchase without discussing it. And I suppose I've 'loosened up' at bit and don't chafe at every penny that goes out the house.

Thereby giving him half of a marital property he hasn’t contributed to. Wow. OP has already said they’re hitting pension age so well over 55. No chance of building up pension savings if her DH spends everything he can get his hands on. Her recent update says that she’s told him about this and his first thought was a new car and a holiday in Australia !! Trying to work out a retirement plan with Peter Pan is a non-starter.

The wider Internet has Godwin's Law, which says that any online discussion will eventually result in people calling each other Nazis.

On here, the equivalent is that any question that involves the OP's husband, even if it's "We won the Euromillions and he's found a gorgeous house to buy, but I don't like the shape of the swimming pool, AIBU?" will eventually end in advice to LTB.

As it is, you seem to have come to the most sensible conclusion, which is that while DH's tendency to spend money is somewhat annoying for you, keeping the pension secret could have become a genuine trust issue. Enjoy whatever you decide to do with the money. 🥂

Any woman in a relationship with a man is wise to have an escape fund. Keep this money in a separate bank account that he knows nothing about.

Why don't you tell him that you're getting a pension you'd forgotten about soon and you're going to put it in savings?
I don't understand the need for the secrecy at all.

I'd be a bit pissed off if my wife had secret income and was spending it whilst I was putting more in to the general fund, but if you plan to save it all then go for it.

I understand what you are saying OP. You want to put this money away for emergencies/savings whereas your DH would want to spend it. It’s not that you want to keep aside & secretly spend it yourself, you just don’t want to splash out on things now that you don’t need then be without savings if needed in future.

i think some ppl are viewing as you’ve got this secret money that you’re going to spend all on yourself without a second thought to DH, but actually you’re thinking about both your futures together. You just don’t want him buying a new car or a 4 wk holiday to Australia with it!

Having experienced the NHS for elderly parents, you really need savings.

I haven't read all the comments but I am shocked that the majority who have voted don't think you're unreasonable... if this was a man saying they were going to be secretive about their money while in a marriage people on MN would be screaming for blood!

This is so dishonest of you OP - if you are in a loving relationship you shouldn't be doing this in my opinion. Imagine how you feel if the shoe was on the other foot!

He spends all the income and you can only buy things if you use a credit card? How bizarre. I think you have bigger problems that just the lump sum issue

I think if it were a man asking these questions it would be perceived differently. Also depending when you were married he's actually entitled to half the pension! I have a friend whose mum is retiring happily because she's got half her dads (who she divorced when my 35 Yr old friend was 10) pension.

Just be honest.

Planning your finances for when you retire should have happened years ago!

If you are both now late 60s (which you must be to have worked for 25 years before you met him and now been married for 25 years), it's late in the day to start these discussions.

I honestly don't know how you can be married to someone who has such a different approach to money compared to you.

I expect he feels he landed on his feet marrying someone with her own home, practically paid for, and that's why he's never really been a saver or someone who has sat down and seriously thought about money.

He's had it all too easy.

Presumably he has other redeeming features.

What ThisMama1 says is absolutely right, IMO.

Clearly shared finances in a marriage only apply one way for people like you. I hope he finds out

People, the OP updated at 16.48. All resolved to both their satisfaction.

Oh I don’t know - he’s got a half share of a mortgage free house that hasn’t cost him a penny. I think @Seperateaccount has probably shared enough, don’t you?

Add your extra money to your pension pot. Women are a lot poorer than men at this stage of their lives.

I am so pleased she told him.

Great update OP.

So would I

Good outcome OP

i cant believe some of the comments in thus post , comprehension is clearly not some peoples strong point, its obvious you had the house before you met him and had paid 20 years if the mortgage. However you know your relationship best and that pensions was accrued before you met . If you want some security then keep it to yourself