Keeping pension quiet?

[Seperateaccount]

DH and I are hitting pension age. We've been together 25 years, married for nearly 20 years and I've worked sporadically during that time. DH's job takes him abroad and I follow. I'd also paid 20 years of the 25 year mortgage on my own, before we paid it off a few years ago.

I've just become aware of a pension that I'm entitled to from my working days before I even met DH, something I'd completely forgotten about. It's not enough to live on every month but the 25% tax free amount would give me a nice nest egg and I can continue to build it with the pension .

DH will likely see the extra income as a reason to play golf/go on holiday/not worry about the future.

AIBU to set up bank accounts DH doesn't know about? I'm well aware that he's paid more in terms of day to day expenses over the last few years but I also know that I worked bloody hard for years (before we met), to pay for the majority of our house.

As long as you split your expenses evenly and contribute equally to your shared savings, there's absolutely no reason why you shouldn't have your own money.
We've been married for 10yrs but never combined finances. We pay everything 50-50 but all the rest goes to our respective super (retirement) funds, shared savings, and our own personal savings.

If he is that terrible with money maybe putting it in a secret account for a rainy day (if your otherwise fairly comfortable) is the best thing for a rainy day. How you explain away these miraculous funds on said rainy day I don't know, and how would you feel the other way round? Could you keep the lump for a rainy day and the monthly payment for spending? Life is for living after all, you can't take it with you.

My husband and I have a joint account for all bills, but our leftover wage each month is our own to spend as we please, we each have our own savings and pensions, I am not sure what my husband has in these pots, have a rough idea, and he doesn't know what I have either. It really does depend on your situation.

If you are in UK

You could take the 25% tax free lump
Put into an Easy access tax free ISA that pays 5% or more. You can put 20k maximum, per year into ISA

Alternatively, leave your pension alone & let it continue to build up with compound interest

How is spending everything they have and coming up to retirement with no savings supporting her ? OP said initially that if she confessed to the pension pot he would probably want to spend it on a holiday rather than save it. She was bang on - he wanted a holiday in Australia and a new car. With money she’s worked for - and in addition he had a ready made home nearly paid for by OP alone. I’d say the support worked equally both ways and the OP was well within her rights to tell him that the money wasn’t going into joint funds.

It looks like you are not on the same page regarding finances. I would say the solution is to have separate bank accounts for your personal expenses and you each do whatever you want with that and a joint account for food, bills etc. I don’t think hiding money from your partner is a good idea.

I don't think hiding money is a good idea either. But I would make it cast iron that he couldn't get his paws on it. Also, he doesn't have to know exactly how much it is each month. I would say it's a small amount, be vague about exactly how much, and hope he forgets about it. My DH is a spender too and I also am vague, but also he is happy for us/me to have savings for the future/possible big expenses.

No-one can be forced into spending their money and she didn't say he would force her, she said she could see her husband thinking he can go off on holidays and golf trips etc. No one can touch your money without permission and if she gives in and let's him spend it then that's her problem isn't it. You can only be abused if you allow yourself to be abused. This is coming from someone who was in an abusive controlling relationship for 3 yrs.

I'd say you ABU because why lie just be honest and say you want to put it to one side and creat a nest egg not spend it. I don't think any relationship is secure if it's based on lies and hiding money etc. Just explain what you've explained here to him.

Maybe you need to ask your yourself how you would feel if you found out your DH was lying to you about something major. Because that is what you are intending to do. It may be a deal breaker for him (not the money but the lies). If your marriage is based on dishonesty go ahead. If not tell him, and put it away safely. Good luck with whatever you decide.

You’ve done the right thing here. I never once read it as you had the intention to keep it all for yourself, just to protect it from being frittered away.

Ok some people might say your married share the details but you had this before you’d married so yes set up a secret account keep it as your nest egg; does he have to know everything about every penny you have or don’t have go with your gut you can’t go wrong then

Everyone should have a bit of back up and I don’t see any problem in you having some savings in case of a rainy day.

Squirrel it away.

Personally, I would tell him about it but have it paid into your own bank account & use the money for what you want.

Absolutely!

you need a secret stash should you ever separate

English law allows adults even if married to keep their finances secret if they choose (unless they divorce) other than having to let HMRC know if high income means no child benefit entitlement or if claiming benefits. Husband sounds like a huge wasteful spender and wife had 20 years paying off a mortgage before she even met him so sounds like the pension should be kept quiet. Remember pensions are taxable and will need to go on the individual's tax return but that is also confidential from your spouse.

@determinedtomakethiswork
100 %

Thank you for this. We have no savings so I'm taking the lump sum and a lower monthly amount, simply because I need to know that we have some cash to draw on in an emergency. DH has been told and is fully on board with this being in my name only.

“Shit life chucking everything on credit”?! Not everyone putting things on credit card are in debt? If I can’t use cash I use my credit card for everything - they generally all come with rewards; cash back, air miles, vouchers etc. I’m not in any credit card debt, I pay it off every month!

i also save every month!

TBF I’m the ‘shit with money’ one in our marriage. Turns out my DH has been squirrelling some money away for our DC and home improvements without my knowledge and I was dead chuffed when I found out we had a couple of grand saved for the house and our DC has a healthy little nest egg building up. That said the money is still both of ours as we pool all our finances. I wasn’t upset by it.

If you call voluntarily building toilets in Africa enjoying the good life, then yes I did. We never lived a "good" life, and nowhere have I said we did. DHs work takes him mainly to third world countries and I follow if its for more than 6 months.

And no it, isnt Amex and its paid in full every month, so no debt.

You have made an awful lot of offensive assumptions about me and my life.

It’s your pension to do as choose with. I’d keep it as a safety net. Me and DH have always had separate finances, we both contributed over the years varying proportions but he still has his own savings / pensions and when I retire I will have mine. We pool our resources when we need to and it works for us. I’ve always been financially independent and don’t plan on changing it when I retire in a few years

Sounds like a healthy relationship, if you are having to hide stuff from each other. Not much Trust by the sounds of it.

I would have no qualms about this at all. Do it. If the shit ever hits the fan, it’s there. I used to have a nice things account that I would pop money into every month. Didn’t always spend it and it grew to quite a sum. Enough for a weekend away for both of us actually!

I get you, also have a dh who would find ways to spend it on things we don't need lol 😆