To ask for advice? Start new job tomorrow morning and want to just cry

[sonervousii]

I'm starting a new job tomorrow and it's bringing back some awful memories of my previous role a couple of years ago where I ended up burning out and having to take time off for mental health reasons. I've been feeling so optimistic and exciting about this new role but as it draws closer I just want to hide under my duvet and pretend it doesn't exist.

I have to go into the office for my first day which I wasn't expecting as my laptop and IT equipment was shipped to my address. It's a 1.5 hour commute which sounded reasonable but now the reality is sinking in that I'll need to get the 7:00 train I'm just feeling overwhelmed by it. When I got the job offer they said they're very flexible with their hybrid model, but now I'm wondering if that's actually true or if I'll need to be in 2 days a week every week.

I'm not even sure what to wear. My employee handbook says 'smart casual' but I know from experience that offices in my industry tend to be very casual unless there are client meetings and I don't want to feel too formal and out of place when everyone is in jeans...

I've packed my lunch as I've recently been diagnosed with coeliac and I'm worried that I'm going to come across as unsocial if I can't join them for lunches out or trips to the nearest Pret...

I just feel so overwhelmed :(

Just remember - you only have to do the first day once in your entire life.

things will never be as scary as this again.

have you seen the Nadiya programme on Netflix about her anxiety? There’s an interesting CBT therapist on there that says the only way you can learn to deal with anxiety is by stopping trying to fight it and allowing yourself to feel the sensations and then coming out the other side.

there a great mantra: “feel, deal, heal” which basically means that you can’t heal from something by running away from it and that you have to allow yourself to feel an emotion to get through it.

there is another great book called ‘burnout’ by two sisters Emily and Amelia something. It’s a brilliant book all about dealing with stress and anxiety and how an emotion is like a tunnel - you have to go all the way through it to get to the light at the end.

good luck - this feeling is temporary and you absolutely can get through this and start the job

As you say. Go in before Easter. That way you will also enjoy the Easter break more as the first day will be done and dusted

I'd ask to start next week and see a hypnotherapist ASAP. I had anxiety issue that prevented me from taking my driving test.. After a couple of sessions, I passed my test! It was amazing ti over come my fears and anxiety.

Unless OP flagged severe anxiety in her interview - I don’t think it’s fair to ask a small company to deal with this unexpectedly. They thought they were getting someone who could cover the work that needs doing.

I’m all for reasonable adjustments in the workplace to enable people with all kinds of issues to work, however companies have to know in advance what they are getting themselves into. I have an AI illness but I don’t expect to walk into a job and suddenly demand to be accommodated. Some companies don’t have the wherewithal to do that, and some need someone who is well and reliable in certain roles.

Yes it's terrifying starting a new job. But you've just got to do it. I know that seems easier said than done, but if you'd have just gone in on your start date, your anxieties would have likely all been unfounded and you'd have been saying what a great day you had rather than stewing and having debates with HR.

I have to say, thank you op as the suggestions on here are helping me too. Good luck. You sound very self aware, that’s half the battle.

Another one who has done very similar in the past and am willing you on with this! Try again this week so it’s not hanging over you, you will feel anxious for less time if you do it this week! And focus on one stage at a time - I’ve emailed HR back, I’m ready to leave the house, I’ve made it to the station, I’ve got to the destination station, I’ve got to the front door etc. Then hopefully going over the threshold won’t feel so monumental- break down each step and try to force yourself not to think beyond achieving that.

Also see if you can get beta blockers prescribed to help control the physical symptoms - they help me manage my headspace much better as my heart isn’t thumping ten to the dozen! Good luck x

I'm sorry but I do disagree with some of this. Firstly, you do not need to declare any health-related conditions at the interview stage as to do so could open employers up to being wrongly accused of discrimination. Secondly, I have never been asked by this company any health or disability-related questions apart from at the applying stage I was asked to tick if I had a disability (which I did tick). I've not omitted any information that has actually been asked of me. To the best of my knowledge, I thought I was fit and able to do this job completely, I have made great improvements to my mental health but I obviously underestimated how anxiety-provoking it would actually feel once my start date arrived.

The adjustments I had in a previous role weren't even really adjustments as they were identical to the flexibility that was offered to all employees anyway. It took a lot of courage in my previous role to be able to open up about my anxiety, and all requests were things recommended by occupational health rather than something I 'demanded'. In any case, the only thing I would request for this new role would be to start the job from home for the first day, or at least have a Teams meeting with my manager/team, before going into the office for the first time which I think is a pretty easy request to accommodate. My interviews were all done remotely and I've not spoken to my manager or anyone in my direct team yet aside from the senior staff which, upon reflection, I think is a big component of my anxiety.

Sorry if that came across as overly defensive, I guess it's a touchy subject for me.

Why don’t you mitigate this, could you respond to hr and say could I start this week, so keen to get to it, but would request the first day I work from home and we do a virtual meeting, I can then come in Tuesday? Just want to ensure we don’t have a repeat!

I think it’s better than explaining how severe your anxiety is at this early stage.

how did it go with the doctor?

I don't have any practical ideas, but just want you to know you're not alone, I know the feeling

How are you OP?

Hi OP. I was thinking of your post today. I really hope the GP helped and the company have been sympathetic. Did you manage to start the job? Really hope it is going well.

Hi @Loveallaroundyou and @LMMuffet - thank you both for checking in. I'm very happy to report that I did end up starting the job and so far it's going really well! I'm mainly working remotely and it's a really lovely small team. The work is much better suited for me as it's quite intense, independent work so I'm largely left alone to just get on with my tasks which I've been really enjoying

Well done op x

I’m so very pleased for you OP. And well done! Wishing you all the best.

So pleased for you! 👏

Awesome! So pleased you overcame the wee hiccup. Brilliant 🩷💜💖

So pleased for you. Glad you enjoying the job.

You’ve done brilliantly! I am very pleased to hear that you managed to start. I don’t mean to sound patronising but you are very brave to have persevered. Sounds like you are getting the reward you deserve from the job being well suited to you.

Excellent news OP! As a fellow anxiety sufferer I know the huge effort this must have taken.

Great update! I also suffer from anxiety and am terribly nervous about starting my own new job in about a month. Already got my propranolol at the ready. Glad it's going well for you now.

Well done op 👏 👍

That update has made me very happy for you @sonervousii

So kind of you to get back and I’m so pleased it’s going well, thank you