To ask for advice? Start new job tomorrow morning and want to just cry

[sonervousii]

I'm starting a new job tomorrow and it's bringing back some awful memories of my previous role a couple of years ago where I ended up burning out and having to take time off for mental health reasons. I've been feeling so optimistic and exciting about this new role but as it draws closer I just want to hide under my duvet and pretend it doesn't exist.

I have to go into the office for my first day which I wasn't expecting as my laptop and IT equipment was shipped to my address. It's a 1.5 hour commute which sounded reasonable but now the reality is sinking in that I'll need to get the 7:00 train I'm just feeling overwhelmed by it. When I got the job offer they said they're very flexible with their hybrid model, but now I'm wondering if that's actually true or if I'll need to be in 2 days a week every week.

I'm not even sure what to wear. My employee handbook says 'smart casual' but I know from experience that offices in my industry tend to be very casual unless there are client meetings and I don't want to feel too formal and out of place when everyone is in jeans...

I've packed my lunch as I've recently been diagnosed with coeliac and I'm worried that I'm going to come across as unsocial if I can't join them for lunches out or trips to the nearest Pret...

I just feel so overwhelmed :(

@sosonervousii Good luck on the follow up with the GP. Medication can do a great job, but some topping up with CBT or specific counselling tailored to your current situation might be helpful too. Much will also depend on what is available near you.

Be kind to yourself. You have done so many proactive and useful things to ready yourself for the challenge. Think of the next steps as building on the great work you have already begun.

Ok.You CAN do this. Do 4-7-8 breathing exercise for a quick fix
inhale for 4
Hold for 7
exhale for 8

BBC sounds have free mindfulness app, free content in headspace

if folk go out ,take your lunch
plenty people take their own food into work, no one comments

take a note pad, wrote things down
if they say something you don’t understand jot it down

You were selected because you are the candidate they want

What is is specifically that feels overwhelming to you?

And, what's the worst that can happen?

It feels like you've got your outfit sorted, your food sorted, you've familiarised yourself with the location, you know the travel arrangements. You've done everything you can do to prepare.

When you're next in the situation. 5 second rule - count down from 5 to 1 and then stand up and go. No emotion about it, just take the first step of leaving home and locking the door. Then do the same for the next step.

Remember that absolutely nothing has changed before or after you started having the feelings. It's only the feelings that are different. Everything is still fine.

Oh OP I wish I could give you a hug.

I was in your position 3 years ago. I started a new job and cried the whole night before my first day, had no sleep and was full of pure irrational anxiety and dread.

Although I only lived a 20 minute car journey away, I did make it in. And it wasn’t half as bad as I was expecting.

Don’t beat yourself up about it. You can always try again tomorrow or whenever your planned induction is, have you heard back from HR?

Sometimes we need to just face our fears and do it. And believe me, it’s easier said than done because I’m also diagnosed anxiety and have had medication and counselling in the past. Once you walk through those doors, meet your manager and colleagues for the first time half of the anxiety will disappear I promise, just hang in there x

I don’t want to live like this anymore, Ive struggled with anxiety so much and nothing seems to help aside from staying in bed and hiding away from the world, which obviously isn’t an option

I’m glad that you’ve realised you can’t live
live like this anymore . Sometimes we need to reach rock bottom or reach a really low point before we make progress.

Can I ask did you have an in-person interview? I’m wondering how you managed that. Either way you’ve done extremely well to successfully get through the recruitment process /interviews - think of that, when your anxiety tells you that you can’t do it!

So sorry to hear you didn't make it.

I see you've done the journey and sussed out the location already so could you get a friend to go with you for the first day. Might help you keep your nerves??

Can I just add that it is possible that once you have been on a gluten-free diet for a while, you may start to be able to manage your anxiety better. The brain manifestations of coeliac are surprising to say the least. (in case it isn't obvious, I was diagnosed coeliac in my teens)

Once when I was young and had panic or anxiety attacks someone explained how they occurred in the body/mind, eg anxiety floods your brain if you had to lift a car off someone but the anxiety you get flooded with, with an anxiety attack isn’t needed in day to day life, this helped me a lot to understand it.

Hi OP - anxiety can be a symptom of coeliac disease - hopefully it may ease as you continue to eat gluten free

Op I get it. I have oftentimes crippling anxiety due to growing up in a violent household. I’m a few years in a new job and I wish I could turn back the clock and have sorted it years ago as it’s hindered any chance of promotion for me. Your life will open up if you look it in the eye, which it sounds like you are by contacting your gp. Good luck for the future.

Cbt helped me for physical symptoms though op.

Also sorry just one more point, if you have coeliac, you’ve had any anaemia addressed? Anaemia makes my anxiety so much more worse.

And vit d from friends' experiences

@sonervousii also to add, it might’ve not been best first impression to give for the first day; however:

• based on all other impressions you gave them so far they hired you
• they spent time and money looking for the right candidate which was you
• they would still prefer you to start the job rather than go back to square one

This is now a great opportunity to practice / work on your anxiety.

• go back to HR if you haven’t done so already and tell them one of these two: 1) be honest about how anxious you were and take the opportunity to confirm how flexible are they in reality with working from home as this is important to you and state that you would still love to start the job if they still want you, or 2) if you still didn’t go to them and now feel that it is too late and you don’t want to do number 1) make something up such as the norovirus, apologise that you got back to them so late as you were completely wiped out and agree a new start date with them
• and just go in with the knowledge that if you really don’t like it you will quit, take the pressure of yourself, it’s just like going to an open day even for the whole day; it’s just one day
• if after going in you still feel it is not for you tell them that you understood that they were much more flexible with the working from home and going in regularly doesn’t suit you; the 1.5 hours commute is the perfect reason.

You can do it. Use it as a prep for your next job. And who knows, maybe you will actually end up staying in this one.

can You try and reframe?

most people will go into the office in their first day. I’m about to get some new starters and the expectation is that they will be in the office a lot during the training stage and then we will move more flexibly once things are known. They haven’t said that to you at all and I think you are focussing on one very small negative part rather than the bigger positives. Easier said than done I know but you can’t let the old job beat you (because that’s what is happening). That chapter is closed, this is a shiny new role that they wanted you to take on! This is awesome! New people, new office, new equipment and new experiences.

if your anxiety is this bad maybe have a chat to hr - what can they do to help you succeed?

Get an emergency GP appt and consider commencing AD and self refer to talk therApy
Call HR put start date back, take some time compose yourself. Take care

Most new jobs means a new lease of life; new friends, new experiences, new learnings. I really think this could be the making of you. Good luck, you can do this ❤️

@sonervousii sending you a massive hug. I am in a really similar position to you. I started my first ever office job a few weeks ago and have suffered with anxiety for so many years. Never been able to do a job before so it’s been a massive step for me.

The night before and morning of I was terrified, nearly didn’t go in but managed to. It’s the build up that’s the worst, once you force yourself through those doors it does get better.

i ended up panicking that I wasn’t learning quick enough and got myself in a massive panic overthinking and couldn’t go in the Monday after I started. I rang HR and explained and they were so lovely (which sometimes makes it worse as I feel like I’m letting people down!), told me to come in the next day when I was feeling better and reassured me. The next day I couldn’t go in, thought I’d ruined my chances but they were very supportive and I gave me a few days to sort myself out.

Well, when I was due back, I was more nervous than ever but the night before I remembered a book I’d read called “At Last A Life” by Paul David. It helped me massively in the past. It’s a quick read (available on kindle) and I really recommend it but the jist of it is never to let anxiety make decisions for you. Do what you want to do and take the feelings with you. Don’t analyse your feeling, asking why do I feel like this, how can I stop etc (easier said than done, I know!) but accept that you feel that way, give up battling and just get on with it anyway.

I’m really bad at catastrophising what could go wrong, the million ways I can make a fool of myself, look awkward etc but it is never ever as bad as I anticipate. People really don’t care, they’re too wrapped up in their own worries.

i was so scared the morning back and was swaying between “no I can’t go” and “yes I can”, it was exhausting. I made myself do the journey and told myself I could turn back once I got there if I couldn’t face it. I was convinced I wouldn’t but I just thought sod it, I feel like crap but that’s ok and just forced myself through the doors. It was fine! Nothing bad that I imagined happened and once at my desk I was fine.

i still get scared and dread it most evenings and mornings but it is getting easier. I’m sure you can do it too but if not this job, then there will be other chances and you will get better! Take it from someone who has failed over and over again but has never given up hope x (sorry for the massive reply!!)

This thread is so relatable, sounds like something I would have done. In fact I have done this, not with a job but with events. It sounds so dumb but one time I showed up to a pub for a meetup event and what looked to be the entrance actually wasn't and having to figure out where the entrance is was so overwhelming to me that I just turned around and went home.

Please update this thread with how it all works out, even if it's bad news. I am so invested now!

It’s totally the sort of thing I’d do too. I’m very anxious and struggle with people - because I’m autistic. Possibly worth considering if you have wider issues than just this one incident.

Thank you everyone. HR replied asking whether I'd like to start later this week or next week - I'm not sure which to say. I think it would be a better impression to start this week so as to not inconvenience them any further, and I'll have the long Easter weekend to recover afterwards too. I also don't think there's a magic solution that will mean I'm any better next week vs this week, so I think starting next week will just delay the inevitable.

They are quite small company so there's not an occupational health team so I'm not sure who to talk to about getting some adjustments for my anxiety. I've not met my line manager yet, and don't want our first conversation to be about my struggles... I had reasonable adjustments in my previous role - I was allowed to work from home most of the time unless there were in-person meetings, and when in the office I could go in late and leave early to avoid rush hour (and then make up my hours either on the train or later that week). It was flexibility offered to all employees anyway, but having it formalised as an adjustment helped a lot.

Op, you're doing the best you can and you should be proud. For comparison, I have completely given up on getting a corporate job because even the words occupational health team or adjusments give me anxiety. The idea to have to open up to work about these things and ask for adjusments is so overhelming to me, I envy anyone who can do it.

You are anxiety seems very high at the moment.

Is there anyone who could literally make sure you get there and get the laptop? First step is the hardest and once you get that done, it gets easier from there on in.

Come on OP, you can do this!

Did you mention your anxiety - which is obviously fairly extreme - at interview? If not, I think it's a bit much to be landing them with all of this at the very start.

I wish you the best and hope that you can make it work.

I know it takes a lot of living and possibly therapy to do this but I have a disability (deafness) and I just lay it out and demand the adjustments I know I deserve. I think of it as ‘all they have to do is make these small allowances and they get to have me’. I’m sure that’s how it objectively is for you in the workplace too; they get to have you and some adjustments are a great trade off for having you.

You sound like a lovely and hard working person. You can definitely do this role with adjustments. Anyone who won’t entertain reasonable adjustments is toxic so hold your head high and state your requirements. I know it’s easier said than done but try and believe in your worth.