To ask for advice? Start new job tomorrow morning and want to just cry

[sonervousii]

I'm starting a new job tomorrow and it's bringing back some awful memories of my previous role a couple of years ago where I ended up burning out and having to take time off for mental health reasons. I've been feeling so optimistic and exciting about this new role but as it draws closer I just want to hide under my duvet and pretend it doesn't exist.

I have to go into the office for my first day which I wasn't expecting as my laptop and IT equipment was shipped to my address. It's a 1.5 hour commute which sounded reasonable but now the reality is sinking in that I'll need to get the 7:00 train I'm just feeling overwhelmed by it. When I got the job offer they said they're very flexible with their hybrid model, but now I'm wondering if that's actually true or if I'll need to be in 2 days a week every week.

I'm not even sure what to wear. My employee handbook says 'smart casual' but I know from experience that offices in my industry tend to be very casual unless there are client meetings and I don't want to feel too formal and out of place when everyone is in jeans...

I've packed my lunch as I've recently been diagnosed with coeliac and I'm worried that I'm going to come across as unsocial if I can't join them for lunches out or trips to the nearest Pret...

I just feel so overwhelmed :(

Did you make it, OP? I can really relate to what you’re saying. Last new job I took I was taken by surprise by how physically triggering just opening up Outlook would be and I had a panic attack, for similar reasons to the ones you describe. Hope you made it.

Thinking of you what ever happened

My dd is like this. She uses propanol which helps calm her and is also on sertraline.

You can do this OP! In some ways the first day is the easiest because so little is expected of you other than to turn up, sign forms, have an induction or whatever and just nod along to whatever anyone is telling you!

Just focus on getting ready and getting to the front door of the office. Take each step at a time. I hope you’re on your way now!

When I got the job offer they said they're very flexible with their hybrid model, but now I'm wondering if that's actually true or if I'll need to be in 2 days a week every week.

I would add that you should check with them about their expectations on WFH. Hybrid often means working 2 days a week in the office. I only go in once a month but that’s due to a reasonable adjustment. Perhaps you could get a RA too. My friend has something a bit similar and has a stoma bag and she gets to WFH as a result.

Hopefully you made it to the train. Good luck on your first day. Like everyone else said, this job is NOT that job. Try to stay calm. It will be 5pm before you know it.

Find out where the loos are as soon as you.arrive. That way you have somewhere to escape to if you feel overwhelmed.

You CAN do this!

I've applied for 15 jobs and not even got an interview, so kudos to you for getting a job in this tough market👊

Hope you've managed to make it in OP, and that your first day goes well, it's such an unknown it's easy to understand why you feel the way you do.

You GOT the job, they chose YOU, you can do this.

Hope you are in, if not get the next train. It could be everything you’ve wanted in a job but you won’t know until you’ve given it a try! If it’s awful, then you quit but don’t quit today.

Whatever happened this morning look into Able Futures.
I’ve referred many colleagues to them and have my first session this afternoon.
https://able-futures.co.uk/

You’re on the train already @sonervousii, and I’m wishing you all the luck in the world

I had a traumatic experience in my previous job, the thought of applying for new jobs when the time came was terrifying

I was also a bit agoraphobic.

if you go to work today a bit more suited and booted, it’s your first day, everyone would understand and see it as a sign of respect, so dress for you, to feel ready and professional. You can gauge what everyone else is wearing and dial it down tomorrow

food, as others have said, taking your own food is fine, you have good reason to.

our workplace has a staggered start for people in terms of onboarding for new starters, there’s one day a week in the office but they like to have them do 3 days the first week, 2 the next, then 1 and they’re all set.

so don’t worry about the office expectations as yet, it’ll all work itself out for you in time. You need to work out what’s what and who’s who etc.

it's a different job and a 1.5h commute is pretty standard these days, you will get used to it. Hope your first day goes well.

I have felt the same in the past about starting a new job OP. I also had time off work after burning out with stress & anxiety. Whatever happens OP there will be options. Thinking of you today.

Don’t do this. Take your head out of it and just get up and go. I hope you’re there now. The thought is always worse than the reality.

No update - that’s gotta be a good thing 🤞

I really hope you are meeting all your future-friends right now.
Last time I changed jobs was really nerve-wracking.
And I'm about a decade away from retirement age!
What helped me was a little guardian angel a former colleague gave me. She lived in my work pocket for weeks and I could just put my hand in my pocket and hold her for a few seconds until I felt better.
Maybe get yourself a guardian angel?
Just to ground you and focus your mind.

It will get easier, anxiety always does when you face up to it, it gets much worse if you run away.
Hope you make some good friends in your new job.

Like this one
https://www.thepsychictree.co.uk/products/opalite-angel-3-5cm

I hope you went in ok today OP. What I would've done if I'd been in your situation would be:

Buy or take a tea/coffee for on the train
Take a book to read
Text someone about how you're feeling, who will reassure you
If necessary when you get there (early) stop off for a coffee/tea nearby but sit down to enjoy it.

Make a mental effort to know everything you need to know, where you're going, where you can buy coeliac food, chemists etc.
Breathe app can be good for anxiety
Remember it's natural to feel nervous about starting a new job.

I hope you made it in, OP. I know the first day can be terrifying but it will get easier. I actually think it gets harder the longer you put it off.

FYI - I always ask new joiners to come in for their first day or two - it’s actually to make sure that they are properly inducted, have met the team they will be interacting with (even if by Zoom) and so they can see I am approachable and will feel able to raise issues they may have more easily. That stuff just doesn’t work well remotely.

Once that is done, I am much more flexible about letting them get on with things at home. I’d feel less comfortable doing so if I hadn’t met them in person a couple of times and felt like they were ready and comfortable.

Good luck!

Have been thinking of you today, OP. Hope it went well. Have a good evening to relax, favourite dinner, TV series/book etc., and early night. Well done!

Really hoping you've gone in and had a good day OP im about to start a new job too next week and pretty anxious!! I hope you come back here and tell us it was great!

I started a new job recently which is also hybrid. They were upfront abut it, but said I would need to be in the office full time for the first few weeks for training, but would be hybrid after that. Could it be something similar? I would be surprised that they would let you work from home on your first day anyway.

I hope you made it in ok, and that your first morning has passed peacefully. I wouldn't expect a great deal to happen on your first day, other than getting logins and meeting colleagues. Deep breath.

(And as a fellow coeliac, most people are pretty chilled if you need to make different lunch choices. Pret works fairly well for me.)

Hope you are ok x

Sorry to hear you are feeling like this. Just think back to before COVID when people had to do this 5 days a week. At least it isn’t that bad. Go in and get the lay of the land. It’s always a bit nerve racking when starting in a new place but it could be just the change you need. Hope all goes well.

I’m sorry to say that unfortunately I didn’t make it in today. I was in a complete state and ended up being sick from the nerves so I contacted HR saying I was unwell. I know it’s unprofessional and I feel awful and like the worst person ever, especially as I know some staff members were going into the office today specifically to meet me.

I don’t really know where to go from here. HR said I can delay my start date but haven’t responded since and it’s been 4 hours now so I think they may be changing their minds and tying up everything on their end to get rid of me, which I deserve to be honest. I’ve never been so fed up and disappointed with myself

Please don't worry about what sandwiches you eat. People who eat from pret on a regular are either on expenses or very rich/unimaginative. Lol. Loads of people are GF, not even for medical reasons.

This is a new place, new start.

The worst that can happen is you don't like it and then just leave. If it was only a week you don't need to include it on your CV. You can always cite MH issues.

But unless you feel you'll have a full on panic I'd say at least give it a try, you've come this far.

I'd say if you're definitely not well enough to work, are you claiming ESA/pip? If not you should apply.

Take them up on their offer to delay the start date.

I'd be tempted to confide that you were feeling very nervous going in but will definitely be in in the future, and stick to this. Honestly, once you are actually in the office, it'll be fine.

I've just thought, do you know anyone who does the same commute (even if it ends you are in slightly earlier because you may be allowed to turn up say 30 mins later) as you? Ask them if you could come in with them, explain why, talk things through with them.

I'm sorry that this made you so distressed that you were unable to go in. The HR offer of a different start date is something well worth considering, not least because it gives you time to get your head around the issues that arose in your previous role and your fears for this one. Can you try and get a telephone appointment with your GP and be referred for some support? A family member is currently experiencing something similar and has found the support they are receiving really helpful. Gentle hand hold heading your way.