To ask for advice? Start new job tomorrow morning and want to just cry

[sonervousii]

I'm starting a new job tomorrow and it's bringing back some awful memories of my previous role a couple of years ago where I ended up burning out and having to take time off for mental health reasons. I've been feeling so optimistic and exciting about this new role but as it draws closer I just want to hide under my duvet and pretend it doesn't exist.

I have to go into the office for my first day which I wasn't expecting as my laptop and IT equipment was shipped to my address. It's a 1.5 hour commute which sounded reasonable but now the reality is sinking in that I'll need to get the 7:00 train I'm just feeling overwhelmed by it. When I got the job offer they said they're very flexible with their hybrid model, but now I'm wondering if that's actually true or if I'll need to be in 2 days a week every week.

I'm not even sure what to wear. My employee handbook says 'smart casual' but I know from experience that offices in my industry tend to be very casual unless there are client meetings and I don't want to feel too formal and out of place when everyone is in jeans...

I've packed my lunch as I've recently been diagnosed with coeliac and I'm worried that I'm going to come across as unsocial if I can't join them for lunches out or trips to the nearest Pret...

I just feel so overwhelmed :(

I’m so sorry @sonervousii

As an outsider, it does seem like a visit to the doctor to help with anxiety would be a good move.

Is there anyone who can do the journey with you the first time?

Not going in isn't ideal but it's also not the end of the world. Be kind to yourself ♥️

Talk to them and explain. See if your first day could be a later start, low key ( not meeting anyone specifically except your manager), start on a Thursday, so only 2 days then a weekend.

Don't wind yourself up more.

Send an email asking if you can start next week instead.

Then contact your GP and ask for help with the anxiety. They should be able to give you beta blockers or similar to help with the first day anxiety. Ask if they can refer you for any additional support too.

The first day is just one day to get over, once you are there it will get easier. Use the additional time to find some mindfulness or meditation techniques that will help you.

I also think a GP appointment would be a good idea. I had one last autumn for unexplained and out of nowhere anxiety. I didn't actually take anything for it but he did refer me to a phone line for support which I rang once. And actually talking to the GP and acknowledging this really helped me, especially as he reassured me it was often a short term thing, e.g. in a few months it would get better, which it did.

Another thing you could try, Bach Flower remedies, they do pastilles as well as drops you put in water.

The night before you go in have a warm bath, camomile tea or hot chocolate/hot drink, watch something non stimulating or read something calming or absorbing or do something which you find relaxing.

Phone your GP today for an appointment and explain what happened today.
And they’ve offered a later start date, so how about taking that , when hopefully you’ve had some help

Could you afford to pay for hypnotherapy? That might help you get some techniques to manage things.

Confide in a real life person too, perhaps someone can either do the journey with you or speak to you on the phone on the first morning to help you manage your feelings.

Don't worry about lunch, take your pack up with you. No one will judge you. I regularly deal with new starters and they normally have their own lunch. If your new colleagues go out and you don't want to look unsociable then offer to go along and have a coffee or just for the walk and eat your packed lunch at your desk afterwards. Or arrange to meet a friend or relative at lunchtime so you have proper plans and can get some extra support.

Agree with speaking with a GP and telling HR about your anxiety is a good start, too. They may support you to work from home as you have the equipment and can meet people remotely, do all the training modules and reading that comes with a new job. That might make you feel more confident going in with some knowledge behind you.

Do you know why you needed to go in today eg introductions, meetings, specific training? Could knowing what the day is set to contain help you prepare?

I have been there and know its easier said than done but they have hired up based on skills. They don't know what's gone before and are impressed by what they've seen. Hold onto that and prove them right

It's great you're replying in here though. You're trying to help yourself. Because you do want to be able to do this.

Contact them asap and cite severe norovirus.

Hope to start next week.

Then call to asap.

Even some beta blockers might be enough to help.

And yes, see if someone can travel with you.

Perhaps do the journey a few times this week so that it's really familiar. Have a set of things you'll do on the train.

*call Gp asap.

tbh, it's a shit move not showing up.
They could have given the job to someone, who actually wanted to do it. I would say sorry for wasting their time and pull out and try to get help with all the issues you are having. And apply for jobs again when you are better.

What sort of help you are getting at the moment?

Please make an appointment with your GP. You can also, depending on where you live, self-refer for talking therapy. As part of the therapy, I was given an employment support adviser, who role is to help you stay in work. They were really helpful.

What an ignorant remark and presumably spoken by someone who has been fortunate to not suffer from anxiety to the extent it stops you doing things you actually really want to do.

Don’t worry OP, speak to your GP and see if they can prescribe beta blockers to help you get over the threshold when you start. They will hopefully be able to refer you for CBT too which can be so helpful for anxiety. Good luck!

@doppelganger2 I think that's harsh. OP didn't stay off work with a hangover / just didn't fancy going in

OP, do you have a friend or relative who could accompany you on the train on your first day?

I prob wouldn't confide in HR about anxiety. You don't know how sympathetic / understanding they'll be

But good idea to speak to GP, as this level of anxiety about a new job isn't normal

Might it help to think that you'll give it eg a month and then decide if this role is for you or not? Perhaps that would feel less overwhelming

And, bluntly, can you afford to not be working?

This might sound a bit extreme but just as a one off to get you through that day one door, could you stay in a b&b close to the office the night before once you agree a new start date?
Then you do t have to worry about the train or anything.
It might be an expense but on the plus side you'll have a job and a wage.
Without it you'll be less well off so may be worth taking the financial hit.
Alternatively, can you arrange to log on from home and put off going in for a few days until you've met people virtually first?

Two of my friends have been I'll on their first days. It happens. One went in from day 2, the other (who had a combination of a fever and anxiety) took 2 weeks off. Both survived. Both went on to enjoy their jobs.

If you want this job, then see your GP for help. Anxiety can be crippling but it can be overcome with time.

You can self certificate for up to 7 days and start afresh next week. If you do, find out from your GP how to breathe through panic attacks. Learn about centering, and other techniques. Beta blockers can also help.

If you are going to try again, practice the journey several times beforehand, so that it is familiar to you. Practice getting ready too, and in your smart clothes so that you have as little to worry about as possible on the day. Get s support buddy too. My son only got into his first day at Uni because I went with him on the phone. I sat at home and chatted to him from when he left his flat, all the way on the bus, then the walk to the front door. I reminded him to keep breathing, asked him what he could see around him, chatted nonsense but also reassured him. Once he was inside he was so much better. He had stuff to do. Getting there and getting started was the toughest part.

Best of luck - and keep posting. Lots of people here understand how you feel, honestly. We've been there, got the badge and come through the other side. So will you.

It doesn’t sound as if this was the right role for you at all if you weren’t able to get yourself into work today, tbh. It’s normal to be nervous and anxious about something new but not to be so paralysed by those feelings that you can’t actually go through with something which is, in the end, a straightforward part of everyday life. Are you getting help for this?

PS I agree with telling GP but not HR at this stage.

See your GP about your anxiety as this is more than just first day nerves.

Getting through the door is the hardest part of the first day. Is there anyone who can do the journey with you?

I also second the hotel option - my husband used to suffer crippling anxiety and getting a hotel the night before really helped to alleviate some of his worries. Is this something you can afford? Even if its just for your first day?

Don't beat yourself up about it now. Its done! Get yourself a nice cup of tea, watch something funny and put it out of your mind for the rest of the day.

When you are feeling able, reflect on what "went wrong" this morning and how you can prep so it doesn't happen again - e.g. too overwhelmed last night to chose an outift - figure out what you are going to wear tomorrow. That way its ready for your first day and you've already ticked one thing off the list.

Definitely talk to your GP. Where I live, you can also self-refer for therapies like CBT - is this something you could look into in the meantime? I've found them to be very kind!

Take care of yourself lovey ♥️

I also recommend an appointment with the gp and ask for beta blockers - they will take away the panicky anxious feeling and the racing heart etc. You don't need to take them every day just to get over the first day hurdle or when you're feeling especially anxious.

From your perspective this is big - but from the others it is not the most important thing in their day. People will get over the fact they came in today to meet you and it will be all forgotten when you do go in - just big smile and a friendly hello when you meet them!

Reasonable adjustments are hard to make if you haven't disclosed any factors that should be taken into consideration. I say this as a manager of people with disclosed mental ill health and others who only disclosed previously diagnosed conditions when when it reached pip stage. One is much easier to handle than the other.

Mental health is covered under disability and therefore, disclosure gives the individual more protection when, let's be honest, no one has guarantees in the first 2 years.

Thank you everyone for your support, it’s really helping. My GP is closed for training this afternoon but I’ll contact them tomorrow. I’m already on quite a high dose of anxiety medication, but I’ll see if there’s anything else they can suggest.

I’d palready practised the train journey beforehand, and walked around the area my office is in. I had everything laid out and prepared for this morning, I went to bed early. I did everything I could to try and control and prepare for as much as possible.

I don’t want to live like this anymore, Ive struggled with anxiety so much and nothing seems to help aside from staying in bed and hiding away from the world, which obviously isn’t an option

I'm glad you don't see not leaving the house as an option - please don't give into those thoughts. My husband suffered terribly with agoraphobia and didn't leave the house for about 3 years. He has fully recovered now and you would honestly never know he used to suffer with anxiety.

Be kind to yourself lovey, tomorrow is another day ♥️

Is there a possibility of you logging on this week so you can meet the team virtually before your official start date? Most. Of our new starters now the first few days are at home as a lot of e learning and induction etc. It might make you feel better to know a few friendly faces and names before you go in?

Dont beat yourself up. This isn't a failure it's a minor set back along the way. The fact you got as far as to apply for the job, do the interview and get the job is An amazing achievement! Focus on that and keep trying.