To ask for advice? Start new job tomorrow morning and want to just cry

[sonervousii]

I'm starting a new job tomorrow and it's bringing back some awful memories of my previous role a couple of years ago where I ended up burning out and having to take time off for mental health reasons. I've been feeling so optimistic and exciting about this new role but as it draws closer I just want to hide under my duvet and pretend it doesn't exist.

I have to go into the office for my first day which I wasn't expecting as my laptop and IT equipment was shipped to my address. It's a 1.5 hour commute which sounded reasonable but now the reality is sinking in that I'll need to get the 7:00 train I'm just feeling overwhelmed by it. When I got the job offer they said they're very flexible with their hybrid model, but now I'm wondering if that's actually true or if I'll need to be in 2 days a week every week.

I'm not even sure what to wear. My employee handbook says 'smart casual' but I know from experience that offices in my industry tend to be very casual unless there are client meetings and I don't want to feel too formal and out of place when everyone is in jeans...

I've packed my lunch as I've recently been diagnosed with coeliac and I'm worried that I'm going to come across as unsocial if I can't join them for lunches out or trips to the nearest Pret...

I just feel so overwhelmed :(

You’ve told us that you’re able to leave your house and walk around the area and take train journeys so you’re well on the route to recovery, but maybe speaking to a GP can suggest something else to take to lift you over the last hump in your journey. Good luck you’re nearly there

Congratulations on a new role!

Only you are the link between your last job and this one. I see it travelling from a a hostile place to a new one with a suitcase. Leave everything behind and bring an empty suitcase ready to fill with positive experiences. This new place doesn't know you or your history and its a fresh start as long as you shake the dust of the old place off your boots, mentally.

I hope you enjoy your first day, no matter the circumstances its scary to have a new job and first few weeks are always tricky but things will be easier with time.

I would try to see if there is someone, anyone you know locally who you could go in with. Is there someone in your street who you know to say hello to or you know their neighbour who catches the same train and wouldn't mind you tagging along for one day? If someone asked me this, I wouldn't mind them coming along at all, even for the first week.

I really would try the Breathe app. And if it really helps and you like doing it then play Candy Crush or whatever on your phone but try to break down the journey into, walk to the station, get a tea/coffee/snack, get on the train, maybe do a silly game like try to spot cats in gardens or something like that on the way there. Then before you know it, you'll be at your destination. I would make an effort to do something whilst you're there, maybe buy a newspaper or whatever you need for the day, protein bars or something, then you can walk to your offices. Could you write down what's making you anxious, is it the journey, is it being in the office? If it's being in the office then run through what will happen, you'll get there, be introduced to your new colleagues and boss, have a tea/coffee, start your induction journey (maybe with other new colleagues) etc. Write down or talk about what you're looking forward to, what could happen, what's the worst thing that could happen. Are you worried you will say the wrong thing? Are you worried about where you'll sit? Worried about lunch seems to be your issue but you could google coeliac places to eat and then mention this to your colleagues.

For me with anxiety it was more about the anticipation of going/being somewhere rather than actually being somewhere. As you've said, you walk to the shops and do other local walks/chores, so this is just one extra step and of course it's worrying.

The other thing I would say, and I'm surprised at interview it wasn't mentioned, try to clarify how many days you may need to be in and then weigh this up with pros and cons of the job. Give it a go. If you really feel like you can't manage this then that's not the end of the world but think of how you'd feel if you gave up but it did work out.

Anxiety is a disability under the Equality Act 2010. HR should accommodate you on this one.

Well done for realising you can’t go on like this. You sound like a very strong person and this event could be the beginning of the rest of your life.

Anxiety is a disability under the Equality Act 2010. HR should accommodate you on this one.

work can only make reasonable adjustments if she is open. They don't have a crystal ball.

I feel for you OP! I’m in a job that I really enjoy, yet I still have irrational work anxiety, and I often vomit before leaving the house in the morning. I’ve had to get used to it; if I didn’t go to work any time I was sick that morning, I would never ever be able to work. I’m obviously still trying to work on my issues but I realised that I’m usually fine as soon as I start work. I just can’t get my brain to not want to make me vomit and have IBS and feel terrified when I wake up.

I understand your situation. When I felt similar, what made it end was literally walking into the job. It's like i could drop some of the anxiety once I'd got there and said hello... Then you're in their hands and can sit back a little.

You will get there but it will be tough. You've taken the first step by starting this thread.

I think some good cbt would help and I would also consider hypnotherapy. A friend absolutely swears by it and I'm considering it for sleep and menopause support. There's evidence it can actually help lower sweats which is bizarre to me but if it works...! So it could very well help you

I doubt it.

I think it's good you have contacted your Gp and will see what other options are available.

I think you should also disclose to HR what happened and why. If you are already on anxiety meds, that demonstrates you have a confirmed long-term medical condition. You have nothing to lose - if you don't disclose, but keep not turning up on day 1, you're going to lose the position anyway. so if you do disclose and ask for reasonable adjustments - eg that you work from home for the first few weeks while you adjust and get to know people more informally - they are more likely to say yes.

Kindly, you are worrying over things that may not happen. Deep breath, smile on, fake it until you make it. If things aren’t as you expect ie they expect you in 2 days a week then you can quit and look for something else. Lunch wise, you can explain your dietary requirement and maybe join them for a tea / water now and then if invited. There must be something you can order from a cafe if not a whole lunch :)

Avoiding things and hiding away is inevitably going to make your anxiety worse. It’s a vicious cycle that you need to break, The first day is easy as they won’t want you to do at work. It’ll just be getting your laptop and sorting out admin.

OP I read your updates but not all the other posts.

Sharing my experience.

I started a new job when under 12 weeks pregnant (luckily I contacted HR to let them know before my start date).

It wast just towards the end of Covid as people slowly started returning to offices under the hybrid models. My first day I was working from home but my boss asked me to come in the second and third day to meet the team. I was shocked how stressful I found that.

I haven’t slept the whole night, if I managed to node off I woke up pretty much one minute later and was just feeling sick with nerves. I couldn’t believe it! I was a mess in the morning. Just trying to hold it together and not actually be sick. I’m going to say it again. I just couldn’t believe it!!!

I went in and as soon as I met the people I was completely fine. And didn’t mind to go in after that at all.

Contact HR now. Make something up about why contacting so late (e.g. had Noro virus and been completely wiped out or something….)

Grin and bear and go in just for that one first day. Even if you end up throwing up into your handbag outside the office. See how it actually feels and go from there.

Pret has great options for coeliacs.

I started a new job recently after 30 plus years in my previous job. My first day I looked in the mirror at home and thought I can’t go. I can’t do this but I thought to myself that was the worst that could happen?

I went into the office, felt really queasy with nerves, but by midmorning with everybody really lovely, I felt myself calm down.

can you try again tomorrow? You will feel much better when the first day is over.

BTW I agree with the pp who said it's not a massive failure, it's a minor setback and you'll get another go tomorrow/next week/whatever you have arranged.

Genuinely I have started a new job and felt constantly sick for the weeks leading up to it. So sick on the day. But allow yourself to feel apprehensive but still do it anyway. No-one is out to trip you up or make you feel uncomfortable. In my experience no-one will care about stuff like your food or really what you're wearing (err on boring/smart/neutral for first day).

'Fake it til you make it' can sometimes help - imagine what a confident person would do just to get on the train and get through that door, then copy that when you need to. Everyone fakes confidence sometimes. You have totally got this.

Hope you feel better now you've got that first day out the way!

@Antonio85 she didn't go in

Oh I missed the update.

Realistically I think you may need to quit OP, and treat your anxiety. I can’t see this working in your current state.

But she'll have to go in at some point whether it's to this job or to another job.

And she's hasn't found out how many days it'll be in the office if at all.

OP, please ring HR and say that you can log on from home if possible? Unless you need someone to help you set up your laptop.

I don’t see her ever going into this one tbh. I don’t think she’s in a fit state.

Good luck OP. I struggle with anxiety - I also happen to be in a senior position in my industry. I was so paralysed by fear last week that I didn’t dare walk into a meeting that had already started (included lots of people I didn’t know and the potential to be hostile). I just stood at the door. It was ridiculous really but I was completely unable to walk in. Just sending in solidarity - I get how terrible today must feel. Glad you’re taking steps to overcome this and tomorrow is a new day.

I can highly recommend solution focused hypnotherapy. I also burnt out from a previous role. It really helped. We did some specific work before I started my new job (after an 8mth break and I listened to the recording the night before and on the first day.
I hope you can get through this. I’m sure they are disappointed you were unwell and worried but I very much doubt they’re plotting to get rid.