Page 9 | Upset about drinking at baby's bday

NoThanksymm · 26/03/2024 03:34

Baby daddy getting upset with you is inappropriate.

fil probably enjoyed the view.

play it off as (and it’s probably true) your friends needed a release and you’re a god person to have put up with them.

Frangipanyoul8r · 26/03/2024 07:18

Your “friends” sound rude and rough. Mine would never do something like this. Ditch your so called friends.

Original poster

nc20241 · 26/03/2024 07:19

CarrotCake01 · 25/03/2024 22:22

Also, I do agree OP that a 7pm finish was way too late. I've not been to a child's birthday that's gone beyond about 3pm I don't think!
And I get why your friends maybe got the wrong impression if they saw you with a glass of wine. They probably assumed it was extending into an evening event for the grown ups at that sort of time!
You live and you learn though 🤷🏼‍♀️ none of us are perfect!!

It was after school.

OP posts:

WitchWithoutChips · 26/03/2024 07:48

nc20241 · 24/03/2024 14:20

It was from 4pm-7pm. I thought that was enough time to do some games, food and the children have a play on the bouncy castle and soft play.

Show quote history

I know you don’t intend to have a ‘next time’ but for what it’s worth this timing was unusual for a one-year-old’s birthday party. Having a fully daytime event at the weekend which ends by 4-5pm sends a much clearer message that it won’t be boozy. You unwittingly scheduled your baby’s party for cocktail hour!

Conniebygaslight · 26/03/2024 08:20

nc20241 · 24/03/2024 12:31

I didn't invite "pissheads", or single friends, they all have children. It was 3 people in particular. How would I have known this was on the agenda? I wasn't drinking myself just to be clear I had one glass of wine.

The invitation was clearly for a kids party,
I was playing games with the kids like pass the parcel and musical statues etc. hence why I didn't noticed they'd gone to get alcohol.

I went to bed with my baby as planned and didn't get involved in the drinking.

I'm 100% in the wrong for not standing up and saying no, I'm upset at myself. I understand what you are all saying however I don't think I could have foreseen this? Maybe I'm naive

This is awful OP. What a horrible position to be put in. I know everyone says you need to be firm with your boundaries and I do agree BUT it is not ok for your friends to do this in the first place. You shouldn't really have to be firm with your friends about what's right and wrong. Appalling behaviour, don't blame yourself but please learn the lesson to avoid these people they're so disrespectful to you.

ScartlettSole · 26/03/2024 08:31

nc20241 · 24/03/2024 13:54

He's not the father of my older children, just the baby. He doesn't live here, I won't go into that rn as not totally relevant.

I've never had a party here before, no one has ever stopped over so not a regular or given thing at all no. That's why I literally have no idea where the idea came from.

I've known 2/3 of them a long time, since my eldest child. The 3rd one is a good friend originally of one of the others that I got to know over time but more so the last 2 years.

We used to go out occasionally about 5/6/7 years ago. Like once every few months, normal sort of stuff I guess? We are 30s/40s.

They left early in the morning so I wasn't hiding upstairs until midday.

My baby and primary aged boy were in my room, my teen was in his own room (he definitely sleeps in until midday).

I would have gone down had they not left, what I meant is that I could hear them
Up and even though I was awake (cause I was fuming) I deliberately didn't go down.

If I was him, I'd have taken the youngest and left. No wonder he was fuming!
Since its your house, he has no say who stays there but he does have a say in who is around his child.
Ive no issues with people drinking at a kids party but having a gaff with children running about, who cant be supervised by pissed adults is a joke.
Your friends behaved badly but youre an adult, you should have said no please leave. Its really not that hard.
As others have said, if this was his friends, the advice would be to leave him.

Doone22 · 26/03/2024 08:39

It's very difficult for some people to be that assertive against people who she expected to be the good friends she thought they were.
I have no idea how I would have handled it. Poor lass must be mortified.

Original poster

nc20241 · 26/03/2024 08:41

@ScartlettSole my baby was with me the entire time, in my arms (very clingy one and not moving yet as has some delays).
I have a big house she wasn't being trampled over by drunk people

Do people really end their relationships over something in life going a bit wrong?

My partner had a nye party at his a few years ago. It went a bit wrong and he was fuming with the lack of respect his mates showed for his house, spilling drinks down the back of the sofas, screaming and shouting in the garden, breaking things etc. it wasn't even many people, about 10 so called "good" friends. It wasn't how he expected it to go at all, he's quiet like me and found it hard to say much at the time but he vowed never to have anything like that at home again and hasn't. I was there and was not drinking but I didn't do or say anything as it was his house his friends 🤷‍♀️ his friends antics were annoying (they aren't my kind of people) but it never crossed my mind to leave him.

My babies party being at "cocktail hour" honestly never crossed my mind at all. Like I've said I rarely drink!

I haven't mentioned this earlier as I don't know if it's outing and maybe a bit irrelevant, but one of the "friends" is a supposedly recovered alcoholic.

OP posts:

ScartlettSole · 26/03/2024 08:54

nc20241 · 26/03/2024 08:41

@ScartlettSole my baby was with me the entire time, in my arms (very clingy one and not moving yet as has some delays).
I have a big house she wasn't being trampled over by drunk people

Do people really end their relationships over something in life going a bit wrong?

My partner had a nye party at his a few years ago. It went a bit wrong and he was fuming with the lack of respect his mates showed for his house, spilling drinks down the back of the sofas, screaming and shouting in the garden, breaking things etc. it wasn't even many people, about 10 so called "good" friends. It wasn't how he expected it to go at all, he's quiet like me and found it hard to say much at the time but he vowed never to have anything like that at home again and hasn't. I was there and was not drinking but I didn't do or say anything as it was his house his friends 🤷‍♀️ his friends antics were annoying (they aren't my kind of people) but it never crossed my mind to leave him.

My babies party being at "cocktail hour" honestly never crossed my mind at all. Like I've said I rarely drink!

I haven't mentioned this earlier as I don't know if it's outing and maybe a bit irrelevant, but one of the "friends" is a supposedly recovered alcoholic.

Its the usual mumsnet advice, something happens.... Leave them 🤷🏼‍♀️

Have your friends apologised for their behaviour? It doesnt matter if the party was "cocktail hour" their behaviour was wrong. But you should have addressed it.

I think both you and your partner need new friends if this is how they treat you

pontipinemum · 26/03/2024 09:08

That is terrible behaviour by your friends!! I think I'd either have to say something now, or not invite them to the next one, or if you do make it clear it is not a piss up.

My sister sort of got caught with something similar, at her baby shower (in her house) a few friends stayed there well after everyone else had left drinking. She now puts in the text explicitly what she expects. I don't serve alcohol at my DCs events, but I don't drink much anymore so I'm too cheap to spend 100s on booze for others

violetmondays · 26/03/2024 09:14

Iscreamtea · 24/03/2024 13:07

I don't know why everyone is blaming op. The friends' behaviour was appalling and op should not have been put in a position where she needed to act like the party police! How many people really would feel comfortable taking bottles of wine off grown adults and telling them they weren't allowed to drink it. Yes, it would have been better to refuse the request to stay over but she should never have been put in that position.

Honestly OP, these friends do not respect you. I would be questioning the friendships and I certainly wouldn't be inviting them to your house ever again.

This. You shouldn’t have to have to tell your friends off for their behaviour.

We’ve often had our kids parties at home and sometimes they have ended up a bit boozy but the guests have always behaved appropriately and left when the party is finished (unless we have been happy for it continue and then we we would have kept filling peoples drinks).

Yes you know you should have said no when you had the opportunity but seriously your friends were out of order here.

MrsRaspberry · 26/03/2024 09:35

You're well within your right to be upset that they spoilt your evening but you could have said no the moment they rolled in with alcohol declaring they're staying. At that point it was pretty obvious they were planning to use your home as a piss up venue. Whilst your child's father is hacked off too he could've also told them to piss off and get pissed elsewhere. Seems you and yiur other half need to learn to tell users to piss off

Victoria3010 · 26/03/2024 09:36

This is really odd behaviour if they have kids, I like a glass of wine and would probably take a bottle to a party like this but we always know someone needs to drive so we can put the kids to bed. These days we'd never both drink around the kids, to the extent we passed out on a sofa - it's on the brink of neglectful. You're right to be annoyed but I'd be more worried about what's going on for those children at home. I fully expect my friends to have a few drinks, maybe more but I also do expect them all to have at least 1 person capable of looking after the kids and designated driver so they go home at childrens bedtime oclock.... presumably you didn't have enough breakfast in for all of them and the children, and the children didn't have a proper bedtime, as well as the potential for them to wander off/get hurt whilst they were unsupervised. I assumed you meant single/non parent friends (I think the transition of parties from total piss ups to family style can be tricky for those with no kids, my husband rocked up at a 1st birthday party with a 6 pack of beer and no present when he was young and unattached, he just didn't know!) But once you have kids, there's no excuse and it just sounds weird, like they might have a drinking problem...
I wouldn't be inviting them over again, and I'd see if there was one who was more in control and maybe have a chat about whether this reflects the home situation

Starlight1979 · 26/03/2024 09:48

"I didn't even drink myself I had one glass of wine, so I'm not sure how anyone got the impression that I was up for or okay with that."

I've got to say, I've never been to a party (adult or childrens) where I have looked to see if the host is having a drink before I have one?! Bit of a weird assumption that everyone should follow your lead.

But anyway as others have said, I can't see how you let it get to the point where your friends were all passed out on your sofa?! How old are these people?!

Conniebygaslight · 26/03/2024 10:06

Iscreamtea · 24/03/2024 13:07

I don't know why everyone is blaming op. The friends' behaviour was appalling and op should not have been put in a position where she needed to act like the party police! How many people really would feel comfortable taking bottles of wine off grown adults and telling them they weren't allowed to drink it. Yes, it would have been better to refuse the request to stay over but she should never have been put in that position.

Honestly OP, these friends do not respect you. I would be questioning the friendships and I certainly wouldn't be inviting them to your house ever again.

^^This

Playinwithfire · 26/03/2024 10:14

OldPerson · 25/03/2024 22:30

WTF? You said you invited friends and their children around? Who looked after their children when they were too drunk to go home?

You really need to get a grip on your parenting.

If you're not up to managing "your friends" - you need to make sure they're not around when it's children's activity time.

They show you absolutely no respect. Or to your family. Who also didn't speak up on your behalf.

Steep learning curve - but find suitable friends. These are not suitable friends.

There are certain parents, where you don't want your kids in their home. They all come under the category of irresponsible parents. Usually with drink, drug or gambling problems or hooking up with unsuitable multiple partners, who have these problems. But generally parents, who can't make wise choices when it comes to looking after children.

Hopefully your friends will recede from your future, and focus on getting to know the parents of children in mum and toddler groups and parents of children your child makes friends with at school.

But your friends are a huge red flag for other parents.

"If you're not up to managing "your friends" - you need to make sure they're not around when it's children's activity time"

Who manages their friends? An how does her friendships or "friends" behavior reflect her parenting? She did not plan for this happen. I very much think if she knew this was going to happen she would done something about it. However, they were slowly doing what they like while she entertained the children.

Her friends made the bad decision not her. She struggled to assert herself because she was completely dumbfounded by what was going on!

Elber · 26/03/2024 10:23

@nc20241

This wasn’t your fault! It sounds like you were focussed on your child and entertaining. It’s stressful holding a party, especially if you were doing it single handed. Guests need to show some empathy and help rather than take advantage. I’d let them know that you were upset that they got drunk, and apologise (on their behalf not yours!!!) to the GP’s who were offended. Your GP’s would have been v aware that you’d put in lots of effort and were sober. That’s what counts. It was absolutely not your fault.

Alondra · 26/03/2024 10:24

nc20241 · 25/03/2024 19:42

Look babies Dad and I have had a long discussion about it now, he's not angry at me. He said I could have been more assertive but he could have given me a hand with that, he just felt awkward because they are my friends and felt my place to do it.

He gets that I was put on the spot and taken aback, as was he. But at the end of the day now he's over the initial anger that our child's party was hijacked- he doesn't blame me because if they hadn't behaved in such a way in the first place I wouldn't have been in that position.

He does say I am a walkover and I need to get some new friends. I've assured him that these friends will now be put at a distance permanently. He's reminded me of times where I have lent money (never repaid)/ given my time/ favours/ help etc and been treated poorly by one person in particular (the main instigator).

I've apologised to my partner and told him that if this was his friends I would be very upset so I understand his position too, thankfully he's supporting me now.

You have a lovely partner OP. You just need to work on being a "people's pleaser" which is at the root of being unable to tell your friends to leave the party or lending money that's never repaid.

Distancing from these friends is not enough. You have issues with boundaries and saying "no" that you need to address. Otherwise, you'll make new friends and be in the same position again.

It's not about them, it's about you.

Mrsgus · 26/03/2024 10:42

Have previous 'parties' you've all attended together at each others houses ended up like this? Its a bit weird for them to be like that if not and if that's the case I'd be looking for different friends. If it is because you have always done/gone to parties like it, you should have laid out the boundaries before the day that it was just a kid's birthday party and not a piss up 🤷‍♀️

Beexxxx · 26/03/2024 11:02

Jeeez the replies here are nasty. Some
people struggle to assert themselves there’s no need to act like she’s the worst person in the world or a “no hoper” whatever the f that means. You were put in a rubbish situation and honestly by the replies I can already tell how you handled it because you’re being so negative to yourself. Give yourself a break, stuff happens. It doesn’t sound like there was any fighting or dangerous behaviour. Give yourself a break ❤️

Cotonsugar · 26/03/2024 11:10

Don’t beat yourself up, you couldn’t have foreseen this happening. It’s a learning experience and you will know what and what not to do next time. Children’s parties need to be kept short and in my experience, the fewer adults present the better with no alcohol involved 😊

Original poster

nc20241 · 26/03/2024 11:19

Mrsgus · 26/03/2024 10:42

Have previous 'parties' you've all attended together at each others houses ended up like this? Its a bit weird for them to be like that if not and if that's the case I'd be looking for different friends. If it is because you have always done/gone to parties like it, you should have laid out the boundaries before the day that it was just a kid's birthday party and not a piss up 🤷‍♀️

No, I've said this several times.

Last "get together" that was had (not at my home), was a barbecue hosted by one of the friends last summer. We had food and a couple of drinks and then everyone left at a reasonable hour with their kids. Totally normal.

Other times we see each other are for lunches and coffee or things like that, very normal stuff.

OP posts:

Sallyh87 · 26/03/2024 11:21

These people really need to look at themselves if they got passed out drunk at a children’s party!

Doesnt sound like it was your fault OP but maybe don’t invite them to the second birthday party.

Mumtryingtolivethedream · 26/03/2024 11:49

nc20241 · 24/03/2024 12:31

I didn't invite "pissheads", or single friends, they all have children. It was 3 people in particular. How would I have known this was on the agenda? I wasn't drinking myself just to be clear I had one glass of wine.

The invitation was clearly for a kids party,
I was playing games with the kids like pass the parcel and musical statues etc. hence why I didn't noticed they'd gone to get alcohol.

I went to bed with my baby as planned and didn't get involved in the drinking.

I'm 100% in the wrong for not standing up and saying no, I'm upset at myself. I understand what you are all saying however I don't think I could have foreseen this? Maybe I'm naive

It sounds like you were caught off guard and didn't have time to think of the response you live and learn and you've learnt that maybe you just need to be a little more direct with a firm
"No I'm sorry that's not going to be possible/work for us maybe some other time"

Idontjetwashthefucker · 26/03/2024 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What a nasty piece of work you are