Upset about drinking at baby's bday

[nc20241]

NC as may be outing.

I had a bday party at home for my little one, invite was for a few hours into the afternoon/evening. Some games/bouncy castle/food/soft drinks planned- nothing major.

Invited family members and some of my friends and their children,
Not a huge amount of people.

Some of my friends seemed to seize the opportunity for a "piss up". I usually have a couple of bottles of wine in the fridge/maybe some spirits in the house (I'm not a huge drinker anymore!)... these were all drank (fine)... however I was shocked to see the girls go out and turn up with arm fulls of wine and several more bottles of gin...

I was then told and not asked "alright if we stop over isn't it?". I felt so awkward like I was put on the spot.

I was expecting the party to end around the time I specified on the invitation... my little one was tired and I wanted to get them off to bed and then clean up... instead I had my "friends" getting pissed downstairs and their kids running wild all over my house.

I had older family members there and my in laws and I think they were a little shocked and it didn't give off a good impression at all with drunk people crashed all over my sofas (my fil had popped back as forgot his glasses so saw this as well!).

I know I should have had a backbone but AIBU to be upset? I didn't even drink myself I had one glass of wine, so I'm not sure how anyone got the impression that I was up for or okay with that.

Well lesson learned.

You have appalling friends that need distancing immediately.

You also need to own your failings in this situation; your inability to shut the situation down and say no.

If it was three in particular, then don't invite them again. You'd be justified in ending your friendship with them if you choose to.

Nice subtle dig at the childless/ childfree there. Complete bollocks of course and in no way anything to do with what the op posted, but nice try. 🙄

I'd get some nicer, less chavy friends if I was you!

A couple of things are standing out for me, firstly @nc20241, stop beating yourself up. Your friends were hugely disrespectful and took advantage. I haven't had any sort of gathering at my home involving a mix of family and friends that hasn't involved a glass of wine or two, including first birthdays, Baptisms, Confirmations etc, but no one has got so pissed they let their dc run riot whilst passed out on my sofa. This group of friends needs to go.
It is all very well your partner being furious and embarrassed, but did he try to help you or do anything to keep the drunk under control? His home or not, I couldn't imagine my dh stand by and watch everything unravel whilst I was overwhelmed and / or distracted.
My advice is this, put it down to experience and learn from it. This is your home and your life, and you are in charge. At anytime you are entitled to tell people you need them to either leave, help or back off.

I can see how you would be totally wrong footed by this situation. As the host you want to be welcoming and sociable and it makes you vulnerable to being taken advantage of by guests who are selfish in only thinking of themselves and what suits them and not their hosts or other guests. It is a lesson learned. Next time very clear boundaries. "Party ends at X o'clock. It's been lovely. Let's catch up again soon." Done.

I’m sorry but he’s got nothing to complain about if he didn’t say anything either. Your friends sound like selfish arseholes and you and your partner need to attend assertiveness classes

Op, I am not sure why you have been roasted on this threads. Sounds to me as though you were blindsided and then felt too embarrassed to kick them out. I would feed back through some of the other attendees that you are very upset and they behaved dreadfully. Then step away from them and never invite them over again.

Not a dig! Or a ‘try’ at anything
just genuine confusion about how people who have brought children with them can get drunk and then decide spontaneously to stay over on a sofa without packing anything or having somewhere for their kids to sleep?! I could have done that in my teens or 20s but definitely not with a child with me? I can see now op updated and said that they had children with them which is absolutely bizarre.

I did wonder if the instigator was an alcoholic?

Alcoholics are innately selfish people who only consider how to get their next booze fix and won’t care about upsetting their host, at least until they sober up when they become full of remorse….until the next time.

What happened at your party was quite extreme and you were clearly caught completely off guard. I think it’s important that you forgive yourself for not reacting more firmly at the time and accept that you are not responsible for your friend’s bad behaviour and poor choices.

My dad was an alcoholic and I rarely drink because of it, so I’m very firm with my boundaries around booze. We do host grown up parties and provide alcohol but I’m very clear about when it’s time to leave. 😂

Put this behind you and enjoy your Easter break.

I have no idea why everyone is jumping on you and blaming you for this. I, too, would have been completely caught off guard and wouldn't know what to say to (already pissed) friends in this situation. It sounds as though you'd planned a really lovely afternoon and, while I wouldn't be averse to a couple of glasses of wine, getting drunk in front of the kids and expecting to stay over seems pretty trashy. I'm sorry it ruined the day for you and I'm glad your partner is on your side. Try not to dwell on it too much and make sure you do get round to having some lovely family time to make up for it. As for your friends, I think all you can do is tell them that maybe you have different ideas about how a kids party should go and that you won't be hosting from home again, and leave it at that (yeah, I'm not good at confrontation either...)

I've never been to a birthday party or any sort of party where the host starts telling people to leave when it's end time, most normal, polite people leave at the time on the invitation or there or there abouts?! Or maybe I am a naive host?

To me walking around and telling people it's 7pm off you go would be quite rude and abrupt when people have time out of their day to come along and celebrate my child, bringing gifts etc as I realise no one has to do this.

If I had ANY idea this was even a possibility I would have had some excuses in my head, I.e "no sorry we are having a family meal with my in laws after this", "no sorry we are spending some time just as a family this evening". It sounds so simple but I was well and truly put on the spot with the unexpected and didn't assert myself.

I tried the mumsnet tinkly laugh like ermm well where are we all supposed to sleep, I tried to show I wasn't keen and didn't get involved. But these people weren't able to take a hint.

I KNOW one of these friends has had previous issues with alcohol but I believed had cleaned themselves up... I've heard down the grapevine today that this "friend" isn't allowed to drink at home by their husband.

So I'm thinking this person has taken the piss out of me by seeing it as an opportunity/excuse to drink and have a night away from home and turn it into a girls night and get drunk when she can't at home...

Yeah, I get you. I'm a nervous creature too and dislike confrontation. I don't think you could have predicted your friends behavior beforehand and you were busy with the party games etc. They're adults. They made their decisions, not you!

Maybe just do a little family meal with some presents and cake on the day itself in future and have the party during the day at the weekend. No one will have any excuse to expect a piss up at 11.00 - 1.00 on a Sunday 😜

You may not have addressed your invite to "dear pisshead' but these are your friends so you are aware of how much they like to drink. It's also quite irresponsible of them to go somewhere and think it's acceptable to get pissed when they're meant to be responsible for their own kids.

I made the mistake of having a BBQ for my son's bday. Everyone was invited. It turned into a pissed up shit show.

Since then, if it's an at home party, it's family invited only and it's made clear there'll be no alcohol. Or if it's a venue hire situation, it's something age appropriate for the child and no bar.

Kids parties are not a thing for adults to get pissed at. You may have gone to bed, but you let them carry on drinking.

Your husband has every right to be raging. I wouldn't invite them to anything again.

You are definitely NBU, and I agree that it can be quite hard to be assertive in real life if you are a bit of a quieter person and in the minority (Mumsnet expects everyone ot speak up and use your words at all times!). Maybe those friends have been to other children's parties that end up in a piss up? I have one friend who is super sociable, seems to have 100's of friends, and they are always at some social event or other. Every time one of her children has a birthday party it seems to be organised so that it does extend into an adult piss up. They are all well off working class and love to get the prosecco out. I've not said anything as it's not my business but I have found it a bit weird that drinking at children's parties seems quite acceptable these days.

Of course you should have said no and asked them to leave. I'm sorry but how can you be so engrossed in kids birthday games that you fail to notice their parents leaving for long enough to pick up booze? Did you not wonder where the adults had gone?!

Your husband has every right to be pissed off, I would be too. Imagine if it was the other way around and it was your husband having 3 very drunk men in the house with the children...

What's done is done. Please don't keep blaming yourself OP. Just learn from this one and move on. I would very much distance yourself from these 'friends' and would consider if your partner truly is on your side- did he stick up for you in any way?

And for what it's worth- I think it's totally normal to have a glass of wine at a child's birthday party- you need something to get you through! (Just not a whole botle)

Not sure how many times OP has to explain why she didn't say anything at the time, and that she has acknowledged she should have, before people stop berating her.

Don't beat yourself up. Everything is a learning experience. You will know better next time. The 3 people Involved do you want to stay friends? I would tell them that they really crossed a line embarresed you in front of your pil. Was your husband there? Did he help host? My ex always seemed to think he was a guest. Luckily I had my sister. You need a wingman/women. It's very easy even at a children's party for everything to go wrong. While you are doing pass the parcel anything could happen!!! I always try to 2nd guess, if you leave bottles of drink people will help themselves if you have someone in control as in does anyone need a top up people don't take the piss. Also plenty of food to soak it up.

I think OP is very clear on what went wrong here. I wouldn't have stayed upstairs either.

OP I would send a message to the 'offenders' something along the lines of 'Hi, i know I haven't been in touch and that's because I can't believe how X's birthday party went. I think it was clearly not an opportunity for a piss up and you treating it as one has really upset both me and DP. It's not the kind of behaviour you expect at a toddlers party and I'm really embarrassed that my friends behaved that way in front of our families. I should have spoken up more but to be honest I felt I was clear I wasn't 'up for' you stopping over and you took advantage of me not wanting to make things uncomfortable. I think I need some space to cool down, I'd appreciate it if I could at least get an apology that I can pass on to DP and our families'
I think DP will appreciate you having taken action to speak out at them.

"You may not have addressed your invite to "dear pisshead' but these are your friends so you are aware of how much they like to drink."

How might she be aware? Clearly if she was aware of them looking a piss up she would not have allowed it. I'm not aware of how much my friends like to drink, mainly because I don't watch or judge every movement they make. It's not the posters responsibility to keep tabs on their "friends"- they're grown ass adults! Do you micro manage your friends at children's parties? Clearly these "friends" are irresponsible.

I'm from Scotland and this is typical 🤣🤣 any excuse. I think you should have said something before it got to that point. I know full well my friends/family would think we were on it if I didn't tell them straight away no drink 🤣🤣.

Have you gone to their kids parties and there was alcohol involved? If this was what your friends did at their houses, I think it would be assumed they would do the same at yours. 🤔

I'm from Scotland too @Jennaxoxox , whilst it's not unusual to serve alcohol and have a few drinks it would definitely be out of the norm to get utterly pissed, not look after your own kids and have to sleep over on the sofa.

I think if OPs friends had simply had a few drinks then headed home she wouldn't have posted this thread at all.

I wouldn't be inviting to anymore of my children's parties. Completely out of order. I don't have any alcohol at all at parties for my children. That's not what they're about.

I don't think it's relevant what they do at their own parties because just because I do something at my house I would never assume it was okay to do something at someone else's house... that's basic manners surely!

but to clarify I have never got drunk at a children's party and stopped on someone's sofa overnight!