Page 11 | Upset about drinking at baby's bday

nc20241 · 2024-03-24T12:11:42+00:00

NC as may be outing. I had a bday party at home for my little one, invite was for a few hours into the afternoon/evening. Some games/bouncy castle/food/soft drinks planned- nothing major. Invited family members and some of my friends and their children, Not a huge amount of people. Some of my friends seemed to seize the opportunity for a "piss up". I usually have a couple of bottles of wine in the fridge/maybe some spirits in the house (I'm not a huge drinker anymore!)... these were all drank (fine)... however I was shocked to see the girls go out and turn up with arm fulls of wine and several more bottles of gin... I was then told and not asked "alright if we stop over isn't it?". I felt so awkward like I was put on the spot. I was expecting the party to end around the time I specified on the invitation... my little one was tired and I wanted to get them off to bed and then clean up... instead I had my "friends" getting pissed downstairs and their kids running wild all over my house. I had older family members there and my in laws and I think they were a little shocked and it didn't give off a good impression at all with drunk people crashed all over my sofas (my fil had popped back as forgot his glasses so saw this as well!). I know I should have had a backbone but AIBU to be upset? I didn't even drink myself I had one glass of wine, so I'm not sure how anyone got the impression that I was up for or okay with that.

Original poster

nc20241 · 26/03/2024 15:42

I'm clearly a pushover as I'm having difficultly even responding to CFs and telling them that yes they have upset me and I am pissed off and why! I just hate confrontation and falling out is prefer to just fade.

People on this thread have made me feel like I was at fault as well for having a small glass of wine and not kicking them out, so now I feel if I say anything id going to get the response I've had here.

OP posts:

Original poster

nc20241 · 26/03/2024 15:50

I am thinking of writing-

"Dear pisshead friend-
Yes to be truthful, I am upset. It was DC birthday and I had no idea that it was on the agenda to turn the event into a piss up, hence why I had provided soft drinks and not alcohol. I felt put on the spot and unable to say no when you told me you and x were stopping over, especially as you had helped me with x y z for the party.

I felt embarrassed that you went out and came back with lots of alcohol, especially in front of my in laws. It made it appear we had plans for a big night of drinking with a house full of children and a baby, which certainly was not my plan hence why I went to bed.

I feel like you totally took advantage of my hospitality and had an agenda. I know you have had problems with alcohol in the past and I'm concerned that you seemed determined to turn my event into a night out and excuse for drinking, that definitely seemed far more important to you than celebrating DCs birthday. You even missed the cake cutting as you were too busy getting alcohol.

You disregarded the feelings of myself as your friend, my DC, DP and family and have put a dampener on a special day. You put your drinking ahead of our friendship as a good friend would not have put me in that position. I therefore feel like I need some time away from our friendship while I reconsider what is best for me and my family"

OP posts:

user1492757084 · 26/03/2024 15:55

State clearly on the birthday invitations to kids parties -
NO BYO, This is a non alcohol event.

You would not tolerate the children's teachers drinking.
Child carers need to be sober...particularly when it is a large gathering not just seven around the dining room table.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 26/03/2024 16:00

nc20241 · 26/03/2024 15:50

I am thinking of writing-

"Dear pisshead friend-
Yes to be truthful, I am upset. It was DC birthday and I had no idea that it was on the agenda to turn the event into a piss up, hence why I had provided soft drinks and not alcohol. I felt put on the spot and unable to say no when you told me you and x were stopping over, especially as you had helped me with x y z for the party.

I felt embarrassed that you went out and came back with lots of alcohol, especially in front of my in laws. It made it appear we had plans for a big night of drinking with a house full of children and a baby, which certainly was not my plan hence why I went to bed.

I feel like you totally took advantage of my hospitality and had an agenda. I know you have had problems with alcohol in the past and I'm concerned that you seemed determined to turn my event into a night out and excuse for drinking, that definitely seemed far more important to you than celebrating DCs birthday. You even missed the cake cutting as you were too busy getting alcohol.

You disregarded the feelings of myself as your friend, my DC, DP and family and have put a dampener on a special day. You put your drinking ahead of our friendship as a good friend would not have put me in that position. I therefore feel like I need some time away from our friendship while I reconsider what is best for me and my family"

Hmm, I'd definitely take out the bit about them having alcohol problems in the past, I don't think you need to point that out. I'd probably try and condense it a bit more too

HeartyPinkEagle · 26/03/2024 16:08

Your response isn’t great. Too long, sounds like you are blaming the alcoholism and shaming her for it. Don’t think you need to go into that much depth in the response.

They overstepped the mark and got carried away but your response is too much.

Say something like:
Yes I am upset. I didn’t expect DC party to turn into a piss up and I was taken back by it. I should have been more upfront and stopped it but I was a bit in shock at how the drinking was unfolding. I think you all got carried away. I only wanted a chilled kids party for DC not a party for the adults. My partner is actually pretty pissed off with me as it gave a bad impression to the in-laws etc. I’m a bit disappointed at how it all turned out

CarrotCake01 · 26/03/2024 16:10

nc20241 · 26/03/2024 15:50

I am thinking of writing-

"Dear pisshead friend-
Yes to be truthful, I am upset. It was DC birthday and I had no idea that it was on the agenda to turn the event into a piss up, hence why I had provided soft drinks and not alcohol. I felt put on the spot and unable to say no when you told me you and x were stopping over, especially as you had helped me with x y z for the party.

I felt embarrassed that you went out and came back with lots of alcohol, especially in front of my in laws. It made it appear we had plans for a big night of drinking with a house full of children and a baby, which certainly was not my plan hence why I went to bed.

I feel like you totally took advantage of my hospitality and had an agenda. I know you have had problems with alcohol in the past and I'm concerned that you seemed determined to turn my event into a night out and excuse for drinking, that definitely seemed far more important to you than celebrating DCs birthday. You even missed the cake cutting as you were too busy getting alcohol.

You disregarded the feelings of myself as your friend, my DC, DP and family and have put a dampener on a special day. You put your drinking ahead of our friendship as a good friend would not have put me in that position. I therefore feel like I need some time away from our friendship while I reconsider what is best for me and my family"

I'd say keep the first 2 paragraphs, lose the last 2.
You don't want it to be too lengthy.
Short and sweet but get the point across!

Mmhmmn · 26/03/2024 16:17

Awful behaviour from "friends" - they sound like totally clueless oafs - who does that at a child's birthday party?! Next birthday, maybe keep it to family and DC's little friends. Generally dislike a lot of drinking around children. 1, it's not a great example, and 2, if any of them bounces straight off bouncy castle and splits their head open, having drunk people around would be no help at all.

Toomanyclothesinthecloset · 26/03/2024 16:19

I do agree with others that the time of the party was wrong...1pm till 3/4pm is better.

HangingOver · 26/03/2024 16:21

Tbh as a recovering alcoholic I'd say leave the alcoholic bit in! Might serve as a wake up call. It's quite easy pretend you haven't made an arse of yourself when everyone's too polite to point it out but as soon as someone says "you were a mess last night" the denial snaps in half.

Mmhmmn · 26/03/2024 16:25

Haven't seen all of the comments but if one of your friends has an alcohol problem as you mention in your update, that makes more sense as to why it happened - all it takes is one alcoholic and one idiotic follower. Brace yourself for a hostile reaction to a (reasonable) complaint if they're reliant on drink cos the drink will be the last thing they leave off after friendship, job etc.

LouOver · 26/03/2024 16:34

Take the bit out about alcohol problems as they'll spin that on you being awful. Everything else i think is fair.

Iloveshoes123 · 26/03/2024 16:48

nc20241 · 26/03/2024 15:50

I am thinking of writing-

"Dear pisshead friend-
Yes to be truthful, I am upset. It was DC birthday and I had no idea that it was on the agenda to turn the event into a piss up, hence why I had provided soft drinks and not alcohol. I felt put on the spot and unable to say no when you told me you and x were stopping over, especially as you had helped me with x y z for the party.

I felt embarrassed that you went out and came back with lots of alcohol, especially in front of my in laws. It made it appear we had plans for a big night of drinking with a house full of children and a baby, which certainly was not my plan hence why I went to bed.

I feel like you totally took advantage of my hospitality and had an agenda. I know you have had problems with alcohol in the past and I'm concerned that you seemed determined to turn my event into a night out and excuse for drinking, that definitely seemed far more important to you than celebrating DCs birthday. You even missed the cake cutting as you were too busy getting alcohol.

You disregarded the feelings of myself as your friend, my DC, DP and family and have put a dampener on a special day. You put your drinking ahead of our friendship as a good friend would not have put me in that position. I therefore feel like I need some time away from our friendship while I reconsider what is best for me and my family"

Sorry op but I think this is really over the top. In the same way I think all the posters having a go at you and telling you to apologise to your OH and how awful you are is way over the top.

Of course they shouldn't have been getting pissed at a baby's party - I don't know who would think this is okay. Yes you should have told them to go but all of this crap about you being embarssed in front of IL's and OH is mad to me - they are your friends, you are not responsible for everything they do. Any decent family would not hold that against you.

I would be inclined to just say 'Yes I am upset. I don't think it's appropriate to be drunk at a kids party and I felt pushed into letting you drink and stay etc.'

I do think reconsidering the friendship based on an isolated event and assuming they are good friends to you at other times is OTT. On the other hand if they are generally shit friends and this was the last straw just cut ties - the message isn't neccessary.

Quitelikeit · 26/03/2024 17:05

I can’t believe this post is still dragging on fgs move on lol

Noseybookworm · 26/03/2024 17:24

nc20241 · 26/03/2024 15:50

I am thinking of writing-

"Dear pisshead friend-
Yes to be truthful, I am upset. It was DC birthday and I had no idea that it was on the agenda to turn the event into a piss up, hence why I had provided soft drinks and not alcohol. I felt put on the spot and unable to say no when you told me you and x were stopping over, especially as you had helped me with x y z for the party.

I felt embarrassed that you went out and came back with lots of alcohol, especially in front of my in laws. It made it appear we had plans for a big night of drinking with a house full of children and a baby, which certainly was not my plan hence why I went to bed.

I feel like you totally took advantage of my hospitality and had an agenda. I know you have had problems with alcohol in the past and I'm concerned that you seemed determined to turn my event into a night out and excuse for drinking, that definitely seemed far more important to you than celebrating DCs birthday. You even missed the cake cutting as you were too busy getting alcohol.

You disregarded the feelings of myself as your friend, my DC, DP and family and have put a dampener on a special day. You put your drinking ahead of our friendship as a good friend would not have put me in that position. I therefore feel like I need some time away from our friendship while I reconsider what is best for me and my family"

You are making WAY too much of a drama about this. Chalk it up to experience and move on. Just don't invite them again. But for goodness sake don't send them that pompous message!

Starzinsky · 26/03/2024 17:35

Not sure people expect 1 year old parties to be tea total kiddies games event. I would definitely assume more of a social event if I was invited by one of my friends, but you needed to be firmer. It wasn't convenient for them to stay on so why let them.

Original poster

nc20241 · 26/03/2024 17:36

Lol. I can't win.

Told I need to be assertive and tell friends they were wrong.

Now being told to STHU and say nothing.

I feel better just for writing it out and getting it out of my head. I'll just ignore friend and never have a home party again.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 26/03/2024 17:53

Thegoodbadandugly · 24/03/2024 16:19

If you wouldn't have had a drink perhaps nobody else would have.

Show quote history

OFGS

Many, many children's partied in someone's home includes a glass of wine for the parents.

Just because the OP's 'friends' behaved badly doesn't mean others do.

I'm sorry @nc20241 you are just very unlucky with these people. It strikes me that they took advantage of you, perhaps knowing you were unlikely to confront them?

Do distance yourself from them, stick with decent friends and try and put it behind you.

Nanny0gg · 26/03/2024 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What is wrong with you?

What on earth made you come out with all that?

Nanny0gg · 26/03/2024 18:00

Toomanyclothesinthecloset · 26/03/2024 16:19

I do agree with others that the time of the party was wrong...1pm till 3/4pm is better.

On a Friday? School?

DivergentTris · 26/03/2024 18:02

I did actually say errmmm well I'm not sure where everyone is going to sleep, I don't really have the room???

This is far to wishy-washy and vague, no wonder they walked all over you.

Your home, your party, your rules

Absolutely nothing wrong with saying no.

If they don't like it. Tough shit, however, they now think you're a push over, so next time you'll need to be 10 times firmer and they'll push more expecting you to cave, but you'll have to stand firm or they'll keep pissing all over you.

Playingintheshadow · 26/03/2024 18:14

nc20241 · 24/03/2024 12:22

I did actually say errmmm well I'm not sure where everyone is going to sleep, I don't really have the room??? And the response was ahh it's fine we're all happy on the sofas... by this point the people in question were already quite drunk having returned with all the wine I had no idea they had gone to get.

I should have been firmer and said no, I just felt so incredibly awkward.

I'm so embarrassed and my babies father is barely speaking to me as he found the conduct of my friends so embarrassing, he is fuming at me for not saying something.

Does he not have a mouth on him?

You should have said no, and he should have backed you up.

That's terrible behaviour at a child's birthday party. Fine friends you have.

LouOver · 26/03/2024 18:17

Your getting such conflicting and unfair feedback op.

Your friends were asholes, yes it would be better to have called it out then but you can address it now and its not an overreaction.

I also think if you don't your likely to stew on this for a long time.

Original poster

nc20241 · 26/03/2024 18:23

LouOver · 26/03/2024 18:17

Your getting such conflicting and unfair feedback op.

Your friends were asholes, yes it would be better to have called it out then but you can address it now and its not an overreaction.

I also think if you don't your likely to stew on this for a long time.

The only reason I was thinking of sending a message is because this person has messaged at least 5 times now to ask me wrong is wrong and if they've upset me.

I won't send it and won't say they have alcohol problems. Even though I've known them over 10 years and I know they have done. But feedback noted I'll keep my mouth shut.

OP posts:

Wherearewe2001 · 26/03/2024 18:28

If she’s messaged you 5 times asking what’s wrong, clearly she knows something is up. I’d put her out of her misery and just tell her. Send the top 2 paragraphs of your drafted text as a pp suggested.

Playingintheshadow · 26/03/2024 18:29

nc20241 · 26/03/2024 18:23

The only reason I was thinking of sending a message is because this person has messaged at least 5 times now to ask me wrong is wrong and if they've upset me.

I won't send it and won't say they have alcohol problems. Even though I've known them over 10 years and I know they have done. But feedback noted I'll keep my mouth shut.

Show quote history

You're getting some shit responses @nc20241. People are nuts.

I would tell your 'friend' straight that you didn't want your baby's birthday turned into a pissup and you were very taken aback.

In my circles, while my friends and I do enjoy a drink, children's birthday parties were neither the time nor the place. There's a massive difference between a glass of wine (fine) and a pissup (not fine!)

I'm glad you've got the measure of these people and don't let them walk all over you again.