Upset about drinking at baby's bday

[nc20241]

NC as may be outing.

I had a bday party at home for my little one, invite was for a few hours into the afternoon/evening. Some games/bouncy castle/food/soft drinks planned- nothing major.

Invited family members and some of my friends and their children,
Not a huge amount of people.

Some of my friends seemed to seize the opportunity for a "piss up". I usually have a couple of bottles of wine in the fridge/maybe some spirits in the house (I'm not a huge drinker anymore!)... these were all drank (fine)... however I was shocked to see the girls go out and turn up with arm fulls of wine and several more bottles of gin...

I was then told and not asked "alright if we stop over isn't it?". I felt so awkward like I was put on the spot.

I was expecting the party to end around the time I specified on the invitation... my little one was tired and I wanted to get them off to bed and then clean up... instead I had my "friends" getting pissed downstairs and their kids running wild all over my house.

I had older family members there and my in laws and I think they were a little shocked and it didn't give off a good impression at all with drunk people crashed all over my sofas (my fil had popped back as forgot his glasses so saw this as well!).

I know I should have had a backbone but AIBU to be upset? I didn't even drink myself I had one glass of wine, so I'm not sure how anyone got the impression that I was up for or okay with that.

I would send it, but I’d take the bit about her alcohol problem out.

Basically make it shorter with the emphasis on how she turned your baby’s party into a piss-up which was inappropriate and embarrassing in front of your in laws.

If you take out the paragraph about their alcohol issues your message is fine. Keep it about the party only not about their life choices

I do think you need to say something now otherwise it will grow to be a bigger drama than it already is

So on reading the full thread and not just the opening post, I take back my previous reply. I can completely understand why you felt unable to be assertive in the circumstances. I apologise for my shitty reply!

Definitely put this one down to experience. If you're getting numerous messages from the drinker then I'd probably send the first 2 paragraphs of your reply but not the last 2. Not because she doesn't need to hear it, but I feel she will use it as an excuse to fly off at you and make you look like the bad guy in all this.

Apologies again for jumping to reply without reading the whole story.

I agree, still can't believe the thread is ongoing, it's beginning to feel like someone likes drama. Can send a very blunt message like that about being an achy but can't ask them to leave the house lol

Well you've only got yourself to blame here isn't it OP. Should've would've could've. Too late now. Just set down very firm boundaries before the next one and yes don't let it stop you from having nice bday parties at home just have the word 'no' in your vocabulary!

It's still going because people are still posting on it. That's usually the way threads work, isn't it?

I think the thread has kept going on as I've felt the need to defend myself

So to conclude the thread-

-no parties over cocktail hour (people get the wrong idea)

• hide alcohol from guests
• specify no alcohol on invite
• if alcohol slips into party, remove

-monitor friends and family carefully so that I am aware of their drinking patterns in order to foresee issues

• tell everyone to leave when party is over
• find less "chavvy" friends

-be more assertive and less ND -don't play the victim/and or be a drama Queen if it goes wrong -improve my parenting -don't let my family down

I think I have all the advice I could ever need x

I think some people here are being pretty hard on you. It's really hard to stand up to 3 people who are a bit drunk and likely over talking you. It takes practice to say no and mean it, but in this instance you shouldn't have been put in the situation in the first place!

it seems they weren’t ‘childfree’ - their children were there. Gotta love this idea people have about ‘childfree’ people - the naive idea that they’re in a perpetual state of teenage frivolity!

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be upset but I think you’re more upset with yourself for how you handled the situation. You can’t change what happened now but you can look back at it as crutch for strength next time a similar uncomfortable situation arises and hopefully you’ll know you need to be firmer and assert you boundaries clearer.
Be kind to yourself.

I think I would have probably had the same response as you. I think in the moment I would be so taken aback that I wouldn’t have known what to say. I hope I would have told them no to sleeping over.

I can understand why your partner is cross but he could have also done something to help you. My husband would have been cross but he would have definitely said something, he is much better than me in these situations.

Although, I would have been going downstairs at 6am when child woke up so they didn’t get to lie in with their hangover!

Nope...
Ditch and make new friends.

Who even drinks at a child's birthday party...MORALS

But you need to stand up for yourself.

Yeah people can just be gobby on Mn OP. I didn’t think the message was bad if you would feel better sending it. But bottom line is none of this is particularly your fault: things happen. If you are happy to shrug and move on I would. I sound mention to your relatives it wasn’t what you intended, just so it doesn’t impact those relationships.

Lesson learned.

Nothing you can do about it now and certainly dont let it put you off having any more parties. I wouldnt send any texts etc either to them as its all done and dusted.

Next time you have a party, you just stay strict with your times. Even put it on the invite or send a memo beforehand letting people know that you need wrapped up by x time.

Not to defend your mates but alcohol really impairs judgement. I had a friend who wants our catch up drinks in her house as she had a new baby and wanted to be close by. She was a great host and kept refilling our drinks and its safe to say I was hammered. I dont know the exact time but it was late and my boyfriend picked me up. I invited him in. Another hour added. On the way home, he said it was a bit awkward as it was obvious my friend was tired and wanted us home. I messaged her the following day thanking her but to make it clear next time if she needs us away. The next time she hosted, she did exactly that and nobody cared. She gave us an hour notice heads up to get out lifts sorted and I was away within 30 mins.

Didn't impact our friendship and none of us thought anything of it.

Stick to your boundaries.

I’d be ashamed of my friends if I were you OP. YANBU to be upset, but YABU to not have said anything at the time when you noticed it getting out of hand. And definitely should have put your foot down over them staying. I can see why your DP is angry. Let your friends know it absolutely isn’t acceptable- sounds like they know this anyway!

I don’t get this whole drinking at a baby’s birthday party. We had one for my DS 1st birthday last year, and granted it was primarily 25 or so adults. It was mainly family and close friends, and a couple of primary aged kids plus my DS, but I did a buffet and laid out a variety of soft drinks - didn’t enter my head to get alcohol! Maybe I should have thought about it as it was mainly adults, but I didn’t as it was a get together for a baby. Anyway, guests had been there less than and hour and I noticed my friends coming out the house with G&Ts. They’d just helped themselves - I’d put the soft drinks on top of the cupboard where we kept the alcohol so they must have found it. Then my Dad asked where the beer was. Then my stepmum asked if I had any more gin as my friends had finished off what we had in our drinks cabinet (not a lot there to begin with!). Then a couple of others got wind there was booze going round. It was implied I should have been better prepared drinks-wise. I got a bit flustered and said no, sorry, we don’t keep that much in the house, but there’s lots of soft drinks over there. A couple disappeared and, a bit like your friends OP, came back with Prosecco and beers - we live so close to a shop they’d nipped out and back within 10 minutes so I didn’t even notice they’d gone as I was playing with DS. They didn’t get wasted and crash at my house - I did make a comment when they got back about being careful as there was children and my baby around and “don’t forget you’re all driving home!” And I refused to have more than one glass of Prosecco despite their best efforts, my friends and mum were adamant I celebrate one year of being a mum, which I did toast to. I remember being quite put out that at a child’s 1st birthday party they wanted alcohol that much that they’d go out and buy some because I didn’t have much in.

Not all child free people, it just didn’t even cross my mind that people who had brought children with them would be able to get so drunk and crash on a sofa without packing bags etc, where do their kids sleep?!

They took the piss!

It's happened, it's in the past now.
Let it be a lesson learned. Next time have a no ready.
'No not tonight, I'm up.early busy tomorrow.'

I guess it didn’t cross my mind that they must have been ’childfree’ people. With the ‘momma needs wine’ memes which are so popular today, I can completely see how the OP was put in this position

Ah well, live and learn. Next time don’t give an excuse that they can bat away, just say no. The first time’s the hardest and then you realise the world didn’t stop and can do it more often without worrying.

I think you were ambushed by your boozy friends and too shocked by their assuming they can carry on partying to say no. I don't think you need to resolve no more wine ever at kids' parties. I'm a gran and one daughter has had several parties where grown ups can have a glass of wine and some of the food and there was no problem, even if held at home, in people leaving around 5 or 6. When I had parties for my kids when they were small I don't think we gave the parents any wine. It must have become a fashion some years later.

In terms of fixing the impression your boyfriends' parents have, you could do a more-controlled, smaller party next year. Invite only a few children (and a parent each) the same age as your baby, plus family, no extras. It would be perfectly tame and easy to manage. If the bf parents ask about last year say you were mortified and wouldn't invite those people again!

But go ahead and see your friends at other times. You need balance in life!

Wow that's shocking behaviour, I can't comprehend how anyone can rock up to a child's birthday party with loads of alcohol thinking that's OK. Such bizarre behaviour. I imagine you were so taken aback and uncomfortable you didn't know what to say, sounds like you didn't have anyone to back you up either.
I would chalk this up as learning experience and drop these "friends" if you haven't already

I'd leave out the alcohol problems bit of that message it's patronising. Whilst you want to get your point across that is absolutely not needed you're just going to look like you're arguing and point scoring. Let her know she was out of order to invite herself to stay and get pissed at a babys party.