Upset about drinking at baby's bday

[nc20241]

NC as may be outing.

I had a bday party at home for my little one, invite was for a few hours into the afternoon/evening. Some games/bouncy castle/food/soft drinks planned- nothing major.

Invited family members and some of my friends and their children,
Not a huge amount of people.

Some of my friends seemed to seize the opportunity for a "piss up". I usually have a couple of bottles of wine in the fridge/maybe some spirits in the house (I'm not a huge drinker anymore!)... these were all drank (fine)... however I was shocked to see the girls go out and turn up with arm fulls of wine and several more bottles of gin...

I was then told and not asked "alright if we stop over isn't it?". I felt so awkward like I was put on the spot.

I was expecting the party to end around the time I specified on the invitation... my little one was tired and I wanted to get them off to bed and then clean up... instead I had my "friends" getting pissed downstairs and their kids running wild all over my house.

I had older family members there and my in laws and I think they were a little shocked and it didn't give off a good impression at all with drunk people crashed all over my sofas (my fil had popped back as forgot his glasses so saw this as well!).

I know I should have had a backbone but AIBU to be upset? I didn't even drink myself I had one glass of wine, so I'm not sure how anyone got the impression that I was up for or okay with that.

I can’t believe that parents would attend a baby’s birthday party, with their own children, get smashed and invite themselves to stay overnight! Not only terrible friends but also not great mums in my opinion.

This

Who uses a baby’s party as an excuse to get loaded and then crash out on the host’s sofa with your school aged children? These women sound like selfish idiots. Time to find new friends, OP.

Wow can't imagine this ever happening! What smoky would not occur y my friends to do this.
But you have to be firm and say no should it ever happen again.

There was no need to foresee anything, the time to act was when it was happening, sorry it’s LO bedtime please leave / of course you’re not staying over ha ha, it’s not that sort of party. Wow that’s a lot of booze, think you’ve got the wrong idea. I can’t understand how you were sober and let this happen and are acting as if because you didn’t forest it that’s the problem 🤷‍♀️surely you react to what’s happening in front of you?

They had their children with them!

Well maybe baby's grandparents could have helped OP manage the situation, instead of judging her??

Sounds like a hard day OP. All you wanted was a nice party and it was ruined by a bunch of twats.

Now you've had time to reflect, what do you think might have happened if you'd turfed them out? And how could you have done it in a way that feels OK to you?

I think when they came back with the extra booze, I'd have said something like wow, someone's in for a fun^ evening. Shall I call you all a taxi, as I need to put little one to bed? Such a good party, thanks so much for coming, must catch up soon...^

That's very cheeky any parties I've had at home for the kids I've always hidden all the alcohol. Just make it clear soft or hot drinks if they want only. WTF is everyone sleeping?

Instead of OP apologising unreservedly to her partner... maybe he could have stepped up and said
"Things are getting a little out of hand, how can I help?"

Should she only apologise conditionally?sorry but,well,not my fault, sorry not sorry?

I’m not sure that’s quite fair. When behaviour is left field from what you expect and you are the host it can be hard to know how heavy to come down. I think she now realises it wasn’t hard enough; but some of the suggestions of how to handle it (“ ah thanks for replacing my alcohol. Now leave “ type thing) do border on rudeness and would not have come naturally to me. At the time she would have been mentally transitioning from the idea these were people she was supposed to give a good time… to realising they were people taking advantage and needing booting out. It’s not like they were peeing on the sofa. They were asking upfront in a way that made it sound they considered it reasonable , and that can be hard to respond to on the spot. I’ve had people say things like “ can I just pop up and lie down in your room: I’ve a headache” and desperately wanted to say no I don’t really want you in my bedroom “ but the hosty bit can make you pause. You will be ready next time OP! No would do the trick!

@Calliopespa it was a bit of a joke, l'esprit d'esecallier and all that. I consider stealing someone's booze and getting hammered in front of your own and others small children and overstaying your welcome to be rude.

@Zone2NorthLondon . Sorry I didn't make that clear enough. It was another poster who said she should Apologise unreservedly to her BF. I didn't agree.
For one thing, he's now not speaking to her as a result of finding himself "embarrassed" by the other guests behaviour and yet he did nothing to support her.

I can totally relate to this kind of incident, although the reasons are slightly different in my case. DP is the world's biggest people pleaser. As soon as someone asks him if they can do something, he goes along with it because he (a) doesn't like to disappoint people, (b) doesn't seem to have that trait where you can put yourself first without guilt and (c) always assumes that their wish to do something is correct and that any doubts he has are probably wrong. So we have had many, many situations that are massively inconvenient to me just because he doesn't want other people to think badly of him. Apparently what I think is irrelevant🙄

You did nothing wrong at all. Ignore all these people saying it's your fault because you should have been assertive. Lots of people find it hard to say no to people when put on the spot, especially if they're your friends. That's just being a normal person.

All you can do is stop worrying, put it behind you and never have another party at home!

Yes that’s right op is blameless. Her inability to speak up must not be mentioned . Inability to advocate for her family, sshh don’t mention it
poor wee lamb. I mean who could have predicted that passive inactivity would have an undesirable outcome

You're coming in for a lot of undeserved flack OP.

Your friends were bang out of order.

Hosting a party as an ND person can be overwhelming and this is why you were not able to put your foot down in the moment.

Your baby's dad is also bang out of order for whining about his parents and sulking like a little boy.

PPs on this thread are bang out of order for sanctimonious blaring about self-advocacy.

You did nothing wrong, you've been treated badly.

In your position I would let your friends know how hurt you are; ignore your childish babydaddy right back; and take you and your baby out for a nice treat involving cake.

I know I didn't react appropriately, I wish I had done better.

As I said, I am ND and I found the whole planning and running the party itself overwhelming (totally burnt out now).

I was stupid to hint or not act keen I should have just spoken up and said no, I don't like confrontation and I guess was conscious about causing a rift at my babies party, although one has been caused anyway as I don't feel I will be continuing these particular friendships.

I wish I'd done better. I don't know this many people in real life who'd find it easy just to kick their so called friends out of their house though.

I think I will try and make a nice memory this week with my little one, a nice cake out in a cafe sounds a good idea.

It is rude

Well, at least you know now what's never going to happen again (your friends being allowed to come to another child's bday party at your house).

I wouldn’t t have found it easy either OP. I’m not ND but conflict is even trickier when you feel you are supposed to be looking after people, and drunk people are not the easiest to deal with either.

I’ve often had situations where I’ve said yes to a guest when ideally I didn’t want to do it/ allow it. Don’t beat yourself up about it, really. Just mention to your relatives that you felt were shocked that it didn’t go the way you intended : they are the only ones you need to worry about and I’m sure if they realise you are upset about it they will feel supportive.

@Calliopespa what is, the fact I made a joke with an element of truth?
Or the fact those people took advantage of a babies birthday to get sloshed for free?
The latter most definitely.

The people getting sloshed were rude.

I was agreeing with that.

Mh point( which I think is what you are referring back to) had only been that some people find it hard to be rude even in the face of rudeness, especially if, as OP is, they are ND and may feel more at sea with where social behaviours shade into unacceptable.

Don't know why you are getting a hard time here @nc20241 . Your friends sound awful and rude and I wouldn't be inviting them again.

Oh wait its AIBU, good excuse for a pile on